10 on Tuesday

Well, here we are again. Another Tuesday. So what's been going on?

1. Let's Get Physical. Since I started wearing my heartrate monitor religiously (long about January 9,) I have intentionally burned 17, 785 calories. Yes, you read that correctly. I have spent 2,295 minutes working out, or roughly 38 and a half hours. It's no wonder I'm sore.
2. The Lion Sleeps Tonight. And mostly on my head. I am the proud owner of the sweetest, dumbest cat in the universe. He is whiny. He eats all my food. It's not unlike being married, except he hasn't yet spent my money. And yet, at the end of the day when I curl up on my sofa and he curls up on his Maggie, all is right with my world.
3. Beat it. Or that's what I'd like to do, anyway. We have this system at work for publishing to the Web. It was set up by another company. It works the way it's supposed to maybe 25 percent of the time. Therein lies my workday remorse. It makes me stabby.
4. Take the Weather With You. It snowed Sunday night. Not nearly as badly as it had threatened to snow, but it snowed. And I'm still enjoying it! With every snowfall, I keep thinking it might be the last of the season, and it makes me a little melancholy. I'm enjoying winter this year. This new leaf was a good one to turn over.
5. Bitch. There is a group of women - a small group, mind you - who insist on coming in to Salsa/Funk class early, before we've finished putting our equipment from Strictly Strength away. If I accidentally bruise one of them with a 15-pound body bar, it's not my fault.
6. Bring Me Some Water. Not that I'm thirsty, mind you ... I'd just like to sit near a body of water and let a little time pass. Soon, the weather will turn warm, and I'll sit on my towel at Lake Geneva, or I'll find myself on Lake Michigan, and be one with the waves.
7. Time Passes By. I've been feeling my age lately, missing the youthful talent I once had. We all get older, and it sure beats the alternative ... but sometimes, I miss the younger version of me.
8. I Gotta Feelin'. And it more or less feels like I need to stretch. My quads and hip flexors are very tight, and my shoulders are knotty. I wish I could afford a massage every couple of weeks, but I will have to settle for a soak in the hot tub.
9. Getting to Know You. I'm loving the Olympics. Not watching all that much, really - I caught the Opening Ceremonies, and I've seen a little skiing and skating, and of course the edge-of-your-seat action of curling. But what I've mostly enjoyed is when I catch the back story of the athletes, and I learn who they are and where they've come from. We've got some interesting people competing, and I've loved learning about their lives.
10. Sky. This week, the forecast is pretty much gray until closer to the weekend. But we've seen more blue skies and sunlight in the past few weeks than we have since September, and it's a welcome change. Come on spring! I know you're out there! Welcome back!

Two sides, one coin

Tonight, I went to the theater. And as remarkable as the show was, the most important dramatic moments happened in my mind. As it turned out, I sat between my friend Millie, whom I've known less than a year, and my favorite ex-boyfriend Stuart, whom I've known for more than 20, but with whom I've had almost no contact since 1994.

During the second act, it hit me: these two people, these two precious friends, know me as two different people. Stuart knew me when the tough parts of my life played out in secret. Let's not talk about the struggles of bulimia or scrapes that require legal representation or any of a myriad of other horrible facets of me at the time; as long as it's dressed up in a pretty package - as long as the world still sees me as a Good Girl - it's all good.

After he and I lost touch (which happens a lot, post-breakup) I began a very different journey, and one that landed me where I am today. The woman Millie knows is a college graduate, an accomplished cook, and someone who makes her mistakes out loud. Today, I'm a bit of a wild child (a hard-earned title, to be sure) and I consistently seek out joy, whereas in the past, I waited for it to find me.

I've become a person who has traveled to Singapore, been married and divorced, learned to make incredible margaritas, and discovered the importance of looking at life as an adventure. I wondered, for a moment there in the second act, whether or not Stuart and I would be friends if we'd just met. I honestly don't know, but the truth is, it doesn't really matter. There's so much water under so many bridges, and the only really important thing is that we've forgiven the past hurts and reached a place where we can just enjoy one another's company.

So I sat there, thinking about how I'm one person to the woman on my left, and another entirely to the man on my right, and it hit me: Nah, not really. I'm still me. I'm still authentic Maggie, or Margaret, or Mugs. I'm still the same person I've always been, deep down. Today's version is a little more brash, a lot more accepting of others, much more honest and way more comfortable with herself, and that's the important distinction. Because this is me, right now, today.

And I think she's pretty cool.

The bylaws

The bylaws originated years ago, when a bunch of us decided we needed rules to govern our semi-nutty behavior. As life has moved forward, so have the bylaws. Here are mine, as of today:

• Coffee first; then, face the day with a smile.
• Be loving and be kind. If you can manage that, you're way ahead of the pack.
• Don't listen to music that doesn't make you want to sing along, dance or smile.
• 80 percent of life is showing up. If you say you'll do something, follow through. Or learn to say "no" more often.
• If you practice gratititude, you'll discover you have more to be grateful for.
• Read the ingredients. Try to eat more "real" than "fake" food. Your body deserves it.
• Laugh. Especially at yourself.
• Spend time around people who inspire you.
• Take naps.
• Learn something new every day.
• Leave your work at the office whenever possible.
• Let people in at the merge. It won't kill you.
• Drink more water.
• Stop wishing for things you don't have or, worse yet, a life that isn't yours. Love what you have. Be joyful right where you are. Joy begets joy.
• Choose awesome.
• Enjoy something artistic as often as possible. See a play, read poetry, visit a museum. It feels indulgent, and it's often a great bargain.
• Develop your sense of wonder.
• And above all else, be your own priority, because you matter ... to me, and to a whole lot of others.

Rambling

Maybe I'll ramble about 10 things. Maybe I won't. I just don't feel like be restricted or required by the number 10 today. Ergo ... ramblings.

I don't like being treated poorly. The vast majority of the people in my life treat me beautifully, so there is such a stark contrast when someone treats me like poopy. I don't like it. I also don't tolerate it. This is why I have car keys.

I love Valentine's Day. I don't think of it as a particularly romantic holiday; for me, it's a day to love and be loved, by others and myself.

Salt and pepper brownies. You can blame the movie "Chocolat" for my latest creation, and I'm quite proud of them. They're a little surprising, but man are they delicious.

I spent Sunday afternoon through Monday morning in Lake Geneva. It was a tremendous break from my day-to-day, complete with my friend Laura's surprise birthday party (she's a Valentine baby) and lots of laughs with Amber. I hope I'm able to make it up to that neck of the woods more often this summer. I miss the tranquility that comes from being up north.

When I got back from Lake Geneva and unpacked my bag, Benld wanted to let me know how much he didn't want me to go away again. Sneaky, isn't he?

It's been four years now since my marriage ended. It seems like a lifetime ago. I don't recognize the person I was back then. I like me, now, a whole lot more than I liked me, then.

Last night I had dinner with some of my old theater pals. Kathleen and Shawn invited Tony, Eric, Millie and I over for a pot-luck festival of laughter and deliciousness. We are very funny people. Being with them makes me miss doing theater (a little) and them (a lot.) I'm so lucky to have them in my life ... even if only for the soup. Good God, the soup!

This is why I'm sometimes late for work. At the risk of showing the world my Inner Crazy-Cat Lady, I can't resist snuggling with this fat furry fella.

10 on Tuesday

Baby You Can Drive My Car. Actually, no ... no, you can't. But I can, and I really dig it! We're in the middle of what's shaping up to be some serious snow here in Chicagoland, and my drive to work was a blasty-blast. I don't really drive any differently. I'm still cautious, still careful, still taking my time ... but I sure do have a lot of fun doing it. (And Mike? Yes, you can drive it. You just need to get here.)

Are You Ready for Some Football? Again, no. I'm not. I hate football. But I had an awesome Super Bowl Sunday, thank you very much. Back in the day, the ex and I had a pseudo-tradition of spending Super Bowl evening with our friends Melissa and Ken. We'd curl up and everyone would watch the game while I read a magazine or knitted or something. There would be good food and great people, and we'd laugh through the evening. This year, Ken had to work, but the three of us had breakfast together and spent some time in their nursery (they're expecting their first in April) before he had to go. Then I was off to my dad's for a visit before I headed back for the evening with Melissa. It was a wonderful day; a new twist on old traditions. Reconnecting is a very good thing.

I Just Called to Say I Love You. I decided this week to share a little love on Facebook. I'm popping on to profiles of people I don't talk with often, just to say hello and I love you. It's kinda fun!

Let's Hear it for the Boy. I'm an "understudy Godmother." My friends Marc and Polly have three kids, and one of their boys' Godparents dropped the ball. Enter Maggie! I invited the little dude, Ross, to spend a day with me at Legoland. His mom wrote this to me by way of explanation: "He yelled 'yes' while pumping his arm in the air." It makes me grin super big to make that happen!

Sugar, Sugar. Do you like cut-out cookies? I do, but I don't have the patience for them. Which is why I love holidays, because my boss gets cookies from this place and they are so much better than any I've ever made. Now, one of my co-workers gets them, too, so this Valentine's season, I get TWO!

You Better, You Better, You Bet. I won the fourth quarter of the office Super Bowl pool. The Year of the Maggie continues.

The Way You Make Me Feel. Flannel sheets. Seriously. I love them. They are old and soft and lush. They make me happy. They also seem to lull me into perfect sleep. I kinda want to go home and go to bed now.

Let it Snow! It's pretty. And it's February 9; in three weeks, it'll be March! This might be the last real storm of the winter. (Probably not, but it might be!) So I'm enjoying it. Although I will say, winter and I got along really well there for awhile, but we've had a bit of a falling out. He'd better start behaving, or he'll get the silent treatment.

If You're Happy and You Know It. Clap your hands, stomp your feet, do whatever ... just get happy and do something! Happy is a personal state of mind. It doesn't have to depend on outside influences! Don't get me wrong - they can certainly help or hinder - but happy is a choice! Just be happy. Or fake it ... see if it rubs off in reality.

Boogie Shoes. After a tough December (thank you, bronchitis) I'm working really hard to make my normal schedule at the gym. I seriously love my regimen. How can you not love dancing three times a week? Sometimes it's ungodly crowded. Sometimes people are rude. But most of the time, it's a sweaty bit of heaven.

The Wrangler Protocol

Drive a Jeep Wrangler, and something strange happens.

You're instantly included in this wacky sorta brotherhood, in which every other Wrangler driver acknowledges you. A wave, a peace sign, and even a tipped hat have come my way in the scant few days I've been driving El Grillo. It's kinda neat. You should come take a drive with me, so you can experience it, live and in person.

10 on Tuesday

Another Tuesday, another 10.

1. Life is a Highway. Sweet Jesus, I love my car. There are moments when I can't believe it's mine. I have wanted a Jeep Wrangler soft-top my entire adult life. There's something about them that just speaks to me. Maybe it's the way they seem unafraid of the elements. Maybe it's the way they can shimmy out of their tops to welcome in the sunlight. Or maybe it's just the simple spirit of fun they seem to embody. But now, it's mine. When I get behind the wheel, I feel oddly untethered. There's a simple, pure freedom about this car. It is even more fun than I imagined it would be. I can't imagine what I'll say when the warm weather comes!
2. I Saw Her Standing There. I had a bit if an altercation at the gym last Saturday. My Saturday workouts begin at 8:15 with strength training under the direction of the Magnificent Pam. She guides the class through a gruelling hour of weightlifting, muscle toning and endurance. It's a great way to begin a weekend. Salsa/Funk with Laura comes next, at 9:30, and it's the easiest hour of hard work you can imagine ... unless a woman comes into class 12 minutes after it's started and stands literally right next to you. The class is always crowded, and this woman, whoever she was, made it so crammed that I couldn't really move, much less work out. So, I collected my belongings and addressed her, to let her know that if her workout was that much more important than mine, she was welcome to it. "Thank you," she said. Anyhoo, I went out onto the cardio floor and finished my hour on an elliptical trainer. But damn I was pissed! If it weren't for the fact that I think one of us was going to get hurt, either accidentally or passive/aggresively on purpose, I would've stayed to protect my turf. I think I made the awesome choice, and I'll be back this weekend. With a taser.
3. Hooray for Hollywood. Oh, Oscar, I love you so. Not the awards; I never watch. But I do love the nominations, and making an effort to see the nominated films.
4. Crazy for You. I'm ready for Lady Gaga's 15 minutes to be up. Now, hear me out. I think she has a phenomenal voice, and she's a talented musician, but there's so damn much production behind her, you'd never actually know it. Get a clue, Ga; Madonna did it before you, and she did it better. Cher did it before Madonna, and pretty much wrote the book. Madonna and Cher made it work. Ga, on the other hand, has created a scenario in which people consistently talk about what she wore, but never the vocal quality of her music. And there is quality there ... you'd just never know it. I wish she'd go away for awhile, and re-invent herself as singer rather than spectacle.
5. Kung Fu Fighting. After a tough (albeit interrupted) Saturday workout and a Monday night return to Ninja school, I am in serious knead of a massage. Just sayin'.
6. What's Your Name? The Jeep doesn't have an official name yet. Why, you ask? Because there are two things I generally don't do without the help of Mike Rice. 1) Buy sunglasses. He's the best judge of what fits my big head. Left to my own devices, I end up with things that are less than perfect. Over the last few years, I've had to do that, with less-than-stellar results. 2) Name my cars. I have never named my car. He first named my car back in college, when he christened my old Ford Probe "Lolita," because she had a little shimmy in the front end. So until I get a visit from Clan Rice Tucson, the Jeep will go by it's interim name, "El Grillo" (Spanish for "The Cricket.") My friend Shakespeare gave it this temporary name when we went for the first-ever joyride in El Grillo on Friday night. So El Grillo it shall be, until Mike drives it.
7. Drive South. Shakespeare is in a production of "Steel Magnolias" at the Geneva Underground Playhouse. The Southern-twang infused play opens mid-February. I'll be going; care to join me? (Yes, Bex, I know you're coming along!)
8. Doctor, My Eyes. I just want Taylor Swift to open hers all the way. She always looks like the sun is blinding her.
9. Workin' for the Weekend. Last weekend was pretty jam-packed, while this weekend appears to be blissfully open. Which is good, because the weekend after that is President's Day Weekend, and I've got lots going on! Heading up to Lake Geneva on Saturday night to hang out with Amber, and coming home on Monday, in time to make it to Kathleen's for a potluck Fab Four dinner. (The Four being me, Kathleen, Tony and Eric. Shawn and Millie round out the group.) I'm bringing cheesecake, and already looking forward to the extended weekend.
10. Home. On Saturday night, my little apartment was filled to the brim with girlfriends (and a work dude) all crowded together for a lia sophia Show. Yes, I work for the company, but I really do love the jewelry, so why not invite friends over and try on some of the pieces I rarely see in person? We had a blast, and it served as a sweet reminder that my place may be small, but it seems to expand to fit in as much love as anyone has to share.

Ten on Tuesday

1. I'm really tired. Usually, my alarm goes off at 6:30, and I tumble out of bed and stumble to the kitchen at around 7. This morning, I was up by 5:15, out the door by 6 a.m., so I could make it on time to ...
2. My mammogram. You'll be happy to know, my boobs are photogenic and "normal." And here's the honest truth: It's uncomfortable, but it doesn't cause grave pain, like some would have you believe. It's a necessary evil, but well worth going through each year. Not unlike ...
3. The dreaded Pap smear and annual physical. Had that today, too. Even had the doc check out all my moles and make sure there wasn't anything questionable going on. Got my flu shot (yes, it's late in the season, but Dr. K says it's still active, so now might be the smartest time to get it) and had her look at my ankle. Which hurts because ...
4. I over-extended the tendon that runs along the top of my foot. I can't go to the gym until I'm 100 percent pain free. This does not make me happy. If I can't shake my groove thing, I worry my butt will expand.
5. Dad made turkey and stuffing last Sunday, just because. So incredibly delicious. I could live on my father's stuffing.
6. He also took me to lunch today, since my doc and mammo appointments were in his neck of the woods. There's very little in the world I enjoy more than eggs and hash browns at noon.
7. I'm still looking for a car.
8. I don't think it's wise to be passive-aggressive and immature on Facebook. Maybe one or the other, but not both.
9. Olives in martinis are classic, but lately I've discovered the simple pleasure of a lemon twist. Oh, gin, you delight me.
10. My dad used to sing "Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam, and I'll show you a house full of shit." It still makes me laugh, and ya know, he's got a point. If the buffalo roam in the house, you get what you get.

Ten on Tuesday

1. It feels good to re-establish the routine. Last night was the first time I took a Strike! class at the gym in a long time. It is probably the toughest cardio workout in my repertoire, and last night I burned 681 calories during the one-hour class. I call it Ninja School, because it's kickboxing with weighted bars and weighted gloves; by the time the hour is over, I feel totally ninja. It's a great feeling to be able to complete the hour, and last night my instructor checked my heartrate monitor to see how many calories I'd burned. Then came the best part: she told me that in order to burn that many calories, I must have great muscle tone. It may be under several layers of other stuff, but I've got muscle, baby!
2. A can of WD-40 would be a worthy investment. There is a crew in the office today building cubicles. Every time they bring a load of equipment in or out, they use these carts that sqeal like Flipper on crack. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard to me.
3. I now officially hate car shopping. I had narrowed down my choice. I had done so much research my hair was starting to hurt. And then I called my mechanic, who advised me against the car I really want. Unless I can buy new - which I can't - he said no. I have to listen to him ... and now I'm back to the drawing board. I'm worn down and I'd settle for a roller skate at this point.
4. I find Meryl Streep undeniably charming. I didn't like her for the longest time, but as she's begun to take herself less seriously, I've gravitated toward her a bit. Hers was the only acceptance speech I saw on the Golden Globes (because I don't do award shows but I was flipping channels,) and I loved it. Humble and grateful; that's class.
5. I look really cute today. I was in a really good mood on the way to work, but with the way my day's going - computer crashing, construction noises and assorted other BS - I've gone from zero to cranky in less than 60 seconds. Stay beyond an arm's length if you know what's good for you.
6. Sushi. I want some.
7. Last weekend, I drove up to Lake Geneva. I didn't go for karaoke this time, and it was an incredibly relaxing and wonderful visit. I got my hair cut (it's all wild and curly now) and spent a lot of time just catching up with Amber. I miss that girl, and her critters, when I can't get up to visit as often as I'd like. Hopefully it won't be as long between visits now.
8. I don't like grocery shopping. I used to, but lately it just seems to be a huge time-suck. See, toldja; I'm cranky.
9. I'd really like to go back to school. Before too long, I'm going to have to move forward and just do it.
10. I had plans for this weekend, and they got cancelled. I'm a little excited to have nothing to do, except I'll be continuing the Never-Ending Automobile Search. Wish me luck!

The most depressing day of the year?

With apologies to Bex and Matt who celebrate their seventh wedding anniversary today, when I saw that headline on MSN I just about broke a rib laughing. January 18, the most depressing day of the year.

It also happens to be the ex-husband's birthday. I think he's 40 today, though I'm not exactly sure. I'm also pretty sure he looks a lot older than that.

Anyhoo, I'm not sure if MSN took that into account when they christened today the most depressing, but I certainly enjoy the irony. Because while it may be a depressing day, I'm not really depressed at all. I have an amazing life and amazing friends and a future that, frankly, has a lot more going for it than it ever did before.

So here's to you, Chris. Happy birthday. Thanks for setting me free.

Ten on ... Thursday

Oops.

I was home sick on Tuesday, so no blogging got done. My apologies for the delay!

1. I am loving "United State of Pop 2009," D.J. Earworm's mashup of Billboard's Top 25 pop songs of 2009. Yes, all 25 songs. Check it out; I think it's genius.
2. Curried carrot soup. This year, I want to continue experimenting with new flavors and treating myself kindly when it comes to food. That means delicious and nutritious. So far this year, I've made that soup, chicken with poblano cream sauce, sea salt brownies, roasted garlic cauliflower and my personal favorite, black bean tortilla pie. More to come, for sure!
3. Wanna participate in a twist on a book club? A friend and I have challenged each other to read two plays a month in 2010. Each month, we'll blog about our impressions, book-club style, and invite others to join in the online discussion. Interested? I'll keep you posted.
4. If money were no object, I would have a pair of boots for every day in the month. At least February.
5. I've been a little bit down lately, because I felt so crappy all of December, then started to feel better, and BAM, over the weekend caught another cold. I haven't made it to the gym yet this week, but my workout gear is in the car and I'm headed there after work. I love the way I feel after a good workout, and I miss it horribly when I'm not able to make it. Hopefully, tonight will be the start of my return to the routine.
6. The search for a car continues. I've decided not to make four-wheel-drive a necessity, and it has opened a lot of possibilities. It's the first time in a long time that I've chosen a car without having to please anyone else with my decision, and I'll be honest ... I kinda like it.
7. I am up to date with all my bills. All of them. Today is payday, and I still had money in my wallet. I'm not perfect by any means, but I am doing a much better job of knowing where my money is, and where it's going. It's a good feeling.
8. I think I'm going to paint my apartment this spring. Mike and Rae helped me think through colors when they were in for an overnight in November, and Shakespeare shared her opinions a few weeks back. So all of you who have offered to lend a paintbrush-laden hand? You're about to be called up.
9. After two years of focusing on my health, I still don't drink enough water.
10. I've been at my job for three years. I still like it, most of the time. One of my favorite co-workers is leaving; tomorrow is his last day. It's the first time someone has left our team, and I miss him already. He's a fantastic Web designer, with a knack for thinking of new ways to "wow" people with my words. There are far too few people like David in the corporate jungle, and I wish him only the best.

Ten on Tuesday

I'm publishing a day late, but only because my Internet connection at home is kinda wonky these days. It counts as 10 on Tuesday, because I wrote it last night. So there.

1. I washed my slippers over the weekend. They are these awesome "foot duvets" from Restoration Hardware, a gift from my sister Jenn a few years ago, and they're machine washable. Filled with down, they are the warmest things my feet have ever known. How was I to know that there were tiny holes in the bottoms, through which oodles of down would sneak out during the dry cycle? Yeah, there are fluffy feathers all over everything else in that load of wash.
2. Tonight was my first night back to the workout routine since I came down with Ebola, or bronchitis, on December 4. I'd gone a few times, but was so miserable that finally a few weeks ago I decided to call it quits until I was feeling better. So tonight I did an hour of strength training followed by an hour of cardio, and it was a lot of work ... but it felt effing fantastic!
3. My New Year's Eve was amazing, thanks for asking. Years ago, I worked with a performing company that did a show ever New Year, and that ended when I returned to school in 1994. But this year marked my return, as I participated in the New Year's Eve Party at the Geneva Underground Playhouse. I sang one song, forgot my words halfway through, saved it with my sparkling sense of humor and that of a dear friend who was willing to through himself on my grenade. It was the perfect way to usher in a new year - surrounded by friends old and new, all of whom were ready to celebrate a clean slate.
4. On New Year's Day, I ate my weight in fondue. Which is un-good, because from the time I got sick in early December, I've put on some poundage. It's hell to get sick during the holidays! But we had a blast, a bunch of friends who gathered at Eric and Millie's house to celebrate Eric's December 31 birthday. Nothing says "I love you" like melted cheese. And nothing means more than sharing a friend's birthday for the first time ever, even though you've known each other for almost 20 years.
5. My performance evaluation is coming up at work. I hate evals. I'd rather systematically peel off my skin than sit in a closed room and discuss my performance over the past year. Just sayin'.
6. I'm in desperate need of a good moisturizer that doesn't give me a rash. The winter cold does a number on my skin, and right now my neck and throat are covered with the remains of an itchy, disgusting outbreak, the result of a new moisturizer I tried. Anybody have any recommendations for something gentle but uber-emollient?
7. It's cold. Not getting much above 20 around these parts all week. I'm not complaining - it's Chicagoland in winter, ya know - but I got so chilled tonight that I had to get into a hot bath so I didn't climb into the oven. So yeah, that's cold.
8. I'm happy. Like, really happy. As in, happier than I think I ever was when I was part of a couple. It's funny, because someone insists on sending me photographs every now and then of the ex and his latest wife, thinking they'll make me feel good. And yeah, it's nice to see that the latest installment is ... how can I say this politely? ... not like me. But I think what's most telling is the fact that I have never seen a picture of the two of them in which either one of them looks even remotely happy. Photos of me, on the other hand? I'm either smiling the genuine, toothy, big-head grin, laughing, or making a face at the camera. My life isn't perfect, but it's happy.
9. I've been asked several times over the past few weeks for the secrets of my weightloss success, which cracks me up because I'm still 70 pounds from my goal. But here's the straight poop, the ground-breaking secret no one else will tell you. To lose weight, you only have to do two things: Eat less and move more. That's it. So, put down the butter and take a walk. Make healthy choices (in life, not your grocer's freezer) and you'll get there. I promise.
10. Speaking of healthy choices, maybe it's a reflection of how much unhealthy food I've eaten in the past month, but I'm craving vegetables. If I were you, I wouldn't stand between me and cauliflower.

Ten on Tuesday

This is my last post for 2009, so I'm doing a bit of "year in review." It was a year of growth, which pretty much means it wasn't an easy one, but I'm glad to have had it, because the future looks pretty good from where I sit.

1. I went through the process of filing bankruptcy. It's not something I'm terribly proud of; in fact, I've carried my share of shame over it. But I discovered, the more I was just willing to accept it and move on, the more I was able to respect myself.
2. The people who have been by my side through the ordeal of filing have been wonderful. From Emily who stayed with me overnight when my electricity was shut off to Shakespeare who reminded me that it sucks and it's scary but I have a choice in how my life goes, from Eric who listened to me cry over the phone and offered me every penny he had (which was roughly $7.83) to my dad who gave me great advice and encouragement, from friends near to friends far, I've known I'm not in this alone. Thank you.
3. My friends Jessica and Adam, along with yours truly, founded a not-for-profit organization this year. Choose Awesome is dedicated to reminding people that they have a say in how life goes ... and we might as well choose awesome. If you haven't already, check out our Web site or our Facebook page. We'd love to count you among our fans.
4. I took a week's vacation this year to have my gallbladder removed. Worst. Vacation. Ever. I'm glad it's gone, but I hated the process. And the scars are still ugly.
5. I had my share of out-of-town guests this year. Chris, Janie and Liam Early stayed with me during the Chicago portion of their vacation from the Pacific Northwest, and Mike and Racheal were here the week before Thanksgiving. And for a few months, I had a semi-permanent houseguest while my friend Em looked for the perfect place to call home in Chicago. Every time someone I love comes into this place and makes him or herself at home, it becomes even more of a home to me, too. Y'all come back, now, ya hear?
6. I've discovered some of life's greatest simple pleasures, not the least of which is enjoying the smell of bread baking. No, I don't do it by hand, but the bread that's baking in my bread machine right now is enough to put a smile on anyone's face. I make bread almost every week, because it's delicious, and because it's so much cheaper than the crap you can buy at the store.
7. I sold my car. I'm still looking for a replacement, but in the meanwhile, I'm grateful to my sister Kathie for allowing me to drive her Jeep. I really don't want to give it back!
8. I discovered Millennium Park. I can't believe how simple it is to get there; you get off the train, you walk a mile, and you're there. It's heavenly. I can hardly wait for summer, so I can get back to my lawn, my stream, my bean ...
9. Even more today than when this year began, I believe my father is the finest man in the world. While it's true that I am fortunate to have many amazing men in my life, my dad is just the best. He can be gruff and frank, but he's also got the kindest heart in the universe. Glenn Bieritz doesn't give up on anybody, and I'm fortunate to call him Dad.
10. As for 2010, I have a few dreams and goals. I'm hopeful that once I get back on my gym regimen (this bronchitis has kept me to a very understated schedule) I'll be able to focus again on my health, and continue the trend toward taking care of myself. I need to buy a car - hopefully one that I'll be happy in for at least a couple of years while I save for the car I really want. And I'd like to travel a bit. Summer may find me in France, thanks to a dear friend having family there, and I'll surely spend a few weekends in Wisconsin and I'd really like to get back to Arizona. You can trust that, wherever you are, I'd like to be there, too. I can't do everything, but if France pans out, I'll send you a postcard.

Here's to the year we leave behind, and here's to the year ahead. Much love as we move ever forward, toward the best year yet.

Ten on Tuesday

1. It's almost Christmas. This year has been very different. No baking, no shopping, and very little knitting. I haven't felt up to much, but it has been very enjoyable. Things do seem to work out the way they're supposed to.
2. I'm beyond ready to start not feeling like crap. Unfortunately, my body disagrees. I went to the gym last night for an hour of cardio and wound up feeling like crap on a cracker. Taking it very slowly from here on in.
3. Over the weekend, I made chicken enchiladas in pumpkin sauce. Probably the best thing to come out of my kitchen, ever. I'm quite proud. And hungry.
4. Spending Christmas this year at my friend Linda's, because my family isn't getting together until Sunday and I'm just not up to much travel. I'm honestly looking forward to life slowing down a bit and just taking it easy. Although I do have to bake some cookies.
5. One of my co-workers brought me homemade raspberry jam that his wife made from berries she picked herself. I can hardly wait to go home and eat some! And may I say, with rare exception, I am incredibly lucky to work with such an amazing group of talented people. And no, they do not have access to the blog, so I'm not sucking up.
6. 2009 was not a good year to be a celebrity. Man, they were droppin' like flies! Further proof that you just don't know what the future holds, and life is too damn short to live with fear, resentment or worry. Just live.
7. Snow. We have it. I'm determined to go sledding this year.
8. I believe in Santa Claus.
9. The office is closed on Christmas Eve. I like this, because Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the entire year. Ever since I was a kid, I've found Christmas Eve to be more magical than any other day. I'll be having breakfast with my friend Di, a tradition we started back in 1997. We agreed back then that each year, Christmas Eve would bring us together for a meal. It's one of those days that usually isn't full of plans. Even when she lived in Boston, we still got together for Christmas Eve. It's one of those things I can count on, no matter what.
10. I feel like I'm circling back to the beginning of this list, but really ... this year is different. Some of the change is good, and some difficult. Perhaps I'll always miss going to church with my family at 11 p.m. Christmas Eve, and getting out at midnight, knowing Christmas was here. Perhaps I'll always miss my mom, frosting the coffee cake at well past the last minute for Christmas breakfast. And perhaps I'll always miss the little things - our green felt stockings, decorating the big tree in the front yard, and buying presents for the dog. This year is different. This year is taking a little effort to enjoy. But this is Christmas, and I'm determined to celebrate ... differently, but with all I've got.

Ten on Tuesday

1. I have bronchitis. I've never had bronchitis. I don't much like it. I started feeling fatigued on December 2. Felt like I was coming down with a sore throat on December 4. Finally went to the doctor on December 14. I'm beyond ready to be feeling better, but I need to give the drugs a few days to work their magic.
2. I'm glad I got my Christmas decorations up before I got sick, otherwise I might not have put them up at all. I have gotten zero baking done (except for the two batches I did on December 3, which were for an open house) and not a lot of knitting, either. But at least while I'm laying on the couch feeling like poop, there are twinkly lights to make me smile.
3. General Foods International Coffees now makes a Chai Latte, and it's really good. I can't bear to spend $4.50 at Starbucks when I can an entire tin of something this tasty for less than that. Delish!
4. I hate Celine Dion. Her whiney voice ruins my favorite Christmas songs.
5. That being said, I don't think anything could possibly be better than "A Charlie Brown Christmas" by Vince Guaraldi. Christmas perfection!
6. I haven't been to the gym in a week and I'm feeling very sloth-like. I'm hoping to feel up to a good workout by the end of the week.
7. I love the biscuits from Red Lobster. However, I have learned to make a reasonable equivalent at home. Use the Drop Biscuit recipe on the side of a box of Bisquick. Add to it a handful of shredded cheddar cheese when you mix the dough, and drop them onto your baking sheet in heaping spoonfuls. Then, before baking, glaze them with a mixture of melted butter and garlic. I've used fresh garlic (chopped really finely) and garlic powder, and both taste delicious. Bake according to the directions and enjoy. If you're like me, you'll enjoy an entire batch in a single evening.
8. I'm beginning to get the hang of this whole budgeting thing. It isn't easy, and sometimes I fall off the wagon. Sometimes I can't remember where I put the wagon. Sometimes I just want to buy a new wagon. But most of the time, I feel like I've got a handle on it and I trust myself with money again. It's a good feeling.
9. Still on my quest to find the perfect car at the perfect price. Hope to have this project finished before Christmas, because I think my sister will appreciate the gift of her car back!
10. Flannel sheets are still one of my greatest winter pleasures. Now factor in a cup of hot apple cider laced with cinnamon schnapps while cuddled under those same sheets and you have a perfect night ... even though it's just me and the cat!

Ten on Tuesday

It's been awhile since I posted one of these. Actually, I've been a little lax on the blogging of late, and if I don't start getting back to the routine, people are going to start referring to me as "Becky." So I figure one of my goals for 2010 will be to update - really update - weekly. But why wait?

1. The bankruptcy was discharged. I have been cleared of all my debt, with the exception of my student loan and one year of Illinois taxes that the Ex was supposed to have "taken care of." I think his idea of "taken care of" meant filing and forgetting. I'm hoping to get him to pay for at least half of it. It's the least he can do after I cashed in about $10k in investments when he moved up here and had no job and needed a car and money to live on. Not that I'm bitter, mind you, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna pony up 100 percent of an expense he was supposed to take care of. I look a lot less like a doormat these days, don't you think?
2. Hot apple cider and a shot of Captain Morgan really makes me happy. I have this nasty cough, but the Apple Captain makes me feel all better.
3. I think I found a car. It's a 2001 Cherokee - not grand, just a Cherokee, and not my soft-top Wrangler, either. Now is not the time to have my dream car. Now is the time to buy what I can afford and get used to the idea of owing someone a little bit of money for a car I will enjoy driving. I hope it's still at the dealer when I get the time to go visit it. Cross your fingers!
4. It's becoming much more of a reflex for me to decide to be happy, and focus on the good instead of the things that make me want to poke myself in the eye with my knitting needles. So many of the people I run into in my daily life are hell to live with during the snowy season, and today I just kept thinking, "You live in Chicago, one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Snow does not come as a surprise. Snow comes with the territory. If you don't like it, move." From my window right now, the snow is heavy in the branches of the tree right outside and a blanket of white covers everything as far as I can see. It is beautiful and perfect and I wouldn't have it any other way.
5. Cancer sucks. My friend Jon's partner Steven just discovered cancer of the esophagus just a month or so after they got back from their honeymoon. (And let me tell you, the gay boys know how to throw a wedding!) My sister is hoping for good news after the bone marrow biopsy last week; please let the leukemia be in complete remission! And I know there are more that I just don't know about. For anyone who has battled this horrible disease, or loves someone who has, I salute your strength.
6. Speaking of strength, I've been weight training more. Maybe that explains why the weight isn't dropping off on the scale ... or maybe that's because I've also been baking cookies. Either way, I'm starting to find my muscles. I like it. There's a six pack in there; it's just behind the keg.
7. A few weeks ago, my Tucson family was here. After they left, I went through the process of decorating for Christmas. It made me miss them more and drew them closer to me, all at the same time. When I'm on the phone with them and I hear Kaylee's voice, it just fills me with glee. So many babies have come into my life since that time four years ago when Christopher drifted away ... so many signs that there is life after love ... so many little beings who call me Auntie. I am the luckiest person I know.
8. Sometimes members of my actual family make me want to bang my head against a very large brick wall.
9. Have you seen those candles with the wood wick? They sound like a fire when you burn them. It's a little disconcerting, until you get used to it, but it's really cool!
10. I'm not shopping this year. At all. I'm knitting a few tiny projects, but I'm not buying anything for anyone. This is not the year for Maggie to be spendy; if I've learned anything in 2010 it's that the people who love me don't want stuff - they want me, whole and healthy, in their lives. So, you've got me! Do not shake before opening!
    

So This is Christmas

This year, I refrained from listening to Christmas until after Thanksgiving. It's started to really get on my nerves the way businesses seem to want to push us right past back-to-school and into Christmas. (Target, by the way, has signage that reads "Merry Christmas," in addition to other greetings. Whatever you celebrate, I hope yours is happy!) I waged a one-woman crusade against losing Thanksgiving in the shuffle, and it feels so good now to be in December and have Christmas be fresh.

And so here I am, poised for another Christmas. I'm not shopping this year; the budget simply won't have it. I'm doing a little baking, a little knitting, and a lot of enjoying. It's a nice change. Last night, after the lights were all hung, I just sat there, cup of nog in hand, and let it all was over me. The music, the lights, the spirit. I looked down from my third-floor window and saw a couple walking their dog look up at my window; they smiled and waved in that way that makes you realize no one is a stranger at Christmas.

And so it's different, but then it's not. My focus isn't on purchases at all, because I'm just not making any (except for a few pounds of butter for the cookies.) It's on surrounding myself with the people I love and letting the season unfold.

As I write this, the first snowflakes of the year are dancing outside my window, as if to say, "Hey, it's December in Chicago. I'm here! Love me!" And I'm smiling because this year, I'm going to enjoy it. Every moment, even the chilly ones, carries with it infinite possibilities.

May your December be filled with light and hope. May your Christmas bring you joy beyond measure. May you know that you are loved.

Son of Haiku

Christmastime is here
I need to put up my tree
Effing tangled lights

Return of the Haiku

Not much time to blog these days, but who can't come up with 17 syllables?

Thanksgiving is done
I have a turkey coma
Please pass the Rolaids

The art of practicing medicine

Over the last few weeks, I've been given examples of the amazing work being done by doctors. My sister Jenn has finished five rough rounds of chemotherapy for leukemia, and so far has refused to lose her hair. (It's true, they don't make 'em much more stubborn than my sister Jenn.) Cancer can be such a scary thing, what with the body seeming to turn on itself. But with the help of physicians and treatments, it can be held back or halted altogether. This to me is nothing short of miraculous.

Then there's my niece, Isabel. Born with a hole in her heart (and if she took after me, it would've been in her head,) she had surgery last Thursday to repair it. By Saturday night, she was home. By Monday afternoon, she was holding court like the perfect giggly princess, ready to see visitors. She's not out of the woods yet, but it did my heart good to be able to hold her and squish her and see with my own eyes that her healing has begun.

And so I feel confident that my friend Jon's partner Steve will kick his own cancer to the curb, and that I am faithful Janie's mom's doctors will figure out what's going on with her eye and fix that, too. Because medicine is an art, and good art is something to be appreciated.

The medical answers aren't always what we want. Sometimes we have to say goodbye too soon, sometimes we have to give our cat stool softeners to keep him from getting backed up, and sometimes the old parts need to be replaced. But we keep trying. We keep moving forward, looking for answers and believing anything is possible.

And isn't that the best outlook to have, no matter what?