Lessons from the Water Park

Twice now this summer, I have joined my sisters for a day at the pool. "Pool", roughly translated, means "holy crap this place is huge and can we go down the slide?" This is what they call a pool. The place is amazing ... and filled with opportunities to learn. Such as:

• My ass fits in an innertube. It's been years, and yet there you have it. Happy little Maggie, floating down a lazy river, or flying down a water slide, tushie encased in what had formerly eluded me. Yeah, that felt good.



• I freaking love water slides! It was a blast climbing up, up, up with Jenn and Bernie, only to go flying down an array of different slides. One dumps you out into a big funnel; another, into what feels like a toilet bowl. Screams and cheers and WOW that was fun! Could've done that all day, but I don't like to wait in line.



• There is a weird "trend" out there for women's swimwear. Seems if your suit is too small, you can just wear your bra under it to provide appropriate coverage. It looks hideous, but for some reason, it happens. There was a woman busting out of a black swimsuit, with a turquoise bra on underneath. Clearly, her suit would not have been street legal without the bra, but here's the thing: bathing suits are available in a variety of sizes. You are not required to squeeze 10 pounds of shit into a five-pound bag. Please stop.



• I have an amazing sense of fashion. I came to the water park in a bathing suit (which covered all the important parts), shorts and a linen shirt. All of which were my size or a little too big. However, it seemed more popular to pour oneself into a denim skirt, use innertubes as a cover-up, or wear a t-shirt into the pool than to use your brain and dress appropriately. Good Lord!



• If you're overweight, accept it. Don't try to hide it under a t-shirt in the pool, because once it gets wet, you just look like the fat guy (or girl) in a wet t-shirt who's trying in vain to cover up the fact that he (or she) is fat. Here's the gig: it's not like all of a sudden someone is going to see you in a swimsuit and realize you're fat. It's obvious, even fully clothed. Adding a t-shirt IN THE POOL just looks like you're fat and dumb. At my heaviest, I still just got in the pool. This is who you are at this moment in time. Just enjoy the pool, and no one will notice or care.



• Dippin' Dots are delicious. And they don't immediately melt in 90-degree heat. Best cooling treat ever.



• My sisters are nuts. I knew this before we got to the pool, but it became more evident as the day wore on. And I wouldn't have it any other way.



• There is no better way to spend a hot day than wooshing down waterslides, floating in a lazy river, jumping in a wave pool and lounging in the sun. Better yet to end the day with hamburgers, fries and family.

Perfect weekend, indeed.