Saturday, September 3, 2011

45 and 10

It's September. My birthday month has officially begun. (Yes, I claim the entire month.) But as of yesterday, I was not much in the birthday mood.

I was a little off, for no real reason except things didn't seem like they were coming together. Plans got altered or cancelled altogether, and I was just not feelin' the love. But then, my friend Patty posted a note to my Facebook, just to tell me she thinks I'm awesome. My sister Jenn called, inviting me to the water park. And shortly after that, Mike Rice called, just to check in. See, it's like people just know. At that moment when the tears just seem like more than I can handle, people reach out. They remind me that not only will it all be okay ... it already is, if I'm ready to let it be.

I should be whole all the time by now, I know this. But sometimes, it's hard. Not gonna lie to ya; it's still difficult to remember that, 10 years ago right now, I was in Disney World, preparing for my wedding. A wedding that resulted in a marriage that was over before our fifth anniversary. I offer this up as yet another cautionary tale: Do not ever get married on your birthday, okay?

Sometimes it still hurts. Lately it's more a question of "What the hell was he thinking?" thank "Why wasn't I worthy?" See, I know that I was. I am even moreso now. It's possible that I was simply too awesome to be married to That Guy, and he knew it. So he left me for someone more befitting himself.

And all that is to say, today is a better day. Today I got up and went to the gym, I ran two miles and I lifted some weights, I took a long shower and then I treated myself to a little breakfast. Then, I drove to a little running store and picked up race packets for Monday's 5K. Yes, I will mark my 10-year wedding anniversary by doing something I never thought I could do. I will celebrate my 45th birthday by acknowledging that who I am today is so far removed from who I was 10 years ago, I'm not sure I would recognize her if I passed her on the street.

So yes, today is a better day. Tomorrow will be, too. And Monday? Yeah. Monday's gonna rock.

1 comment:

Michelle said...

Oh gosh! I so know that feeling! From time to time my world will go quiet and this is how awful I goes quiet for a day and I slide into "sniff. no one likes me." gah! So silly. I'm glad your people gathered and I'm glad you had your moment of insight and realized things ARE good.
And that marriage? They (whoever they may be) say things happen for a reason and to an extent I agree. Think for a moment who you would be today had you remained married to that man? Now compare her with the woman you've become. Crazy, isn't it?