Really, guys. That stuff gets heavy.
Truth is, I've spent a lot of time over the past year-ish just feeling angry. Not for a particular reason, but mostly because of my perceived different-ness in my world. I was treated differently. Loved differently. Acknowledged differently, if at all. An octagonal peg in a round hole, I floundered.
A lot of it (surprise, surprise) boiled down to one thing. Money. Man, that shit really is the root of all evil. But it happened so gently, I didn't realize that I was becoming a bitter, angry person because I had painted myself into a corner. See, every time someone talked about doing just about anything, I knew my budget wouldn't allow it. I had not done my due diligence, and while I am living in a place I love, I can honestly say that because I wasn't more careful, I've been living beyond my means.
I'm not proud of it, but there you have it. And while I scrimped and saved and robbed Peter to pay ComEd, I got pissed off at everyone who could make ends meet. I'm super rational like that.
I wasn't outwardly rage-y, but I felt like the universe had dealt me a shitty hand.
And then, the fork in the road. With my lease running out soon, do I sign a new lease, or do I move on? Truth be told, I'd be a fool to stick with the familiar once I realized it wasn't good for me. And I'm not a fool. Most of the time.
So now, I've chosen my next home with complete faith that I'm doing the right thing. Why do I feel that way? That has something to do with a lightness I feel inside. See, shortly after the lightbulb went on and I realized I wasn't locked in to my little downtown studio, it was like someone lifted a weight from my shoulders.
|Not my unit, but one of the buildings in my complex. I have a patio!|
Sometimes you have to push the veil away and really see things as they are. I've spent a lot of my life unhappy, but having the unhappiness sink in with such slow progress, I didn't even know how unhappy I was until some sudden change - divorce! breakup! injury! running out of nutella! - forced me to make changes. And in the changes ... oh, man, that's where you find yourself.
You might discover your resilience, or flexibility. Or you might find your own intuition. You'll probably figure out how capable you are once you set your sights on your next step, no matter how hard it is to take. And all of that is okay.
And so, here I am, arriving at the fork in the road, knowing which way I'm turning, and trying to get all my ducks in a row. There is much to be done, and like with all worthwhile endeavors, I don't head off alone. I am intensely grateful to those who have awesomely supported me through the process.
Now, who wants to help me pack?