Ten, Wednesday, January 26

1. Life comes equipped with twists and turns. This keeps things interesting. For example, two years ago, I received what I felt was the worst evaluation of my career. Having been down several crappy career paths, I chose to see this as an opportunity. While I didn't agree with what was said, I did have to accept that this was my boss' perception. I could either work to change that, or find a different job. I stayed, did the work, and yesterday - two years later - I received probably the best review of my career. Words and phrases such as "masterful", "passion for excellence", and "cheerleader" were used. I'm still smiling.
2. I think the "cheerleader" reference is the most meaningful, because it was used to describe how I support my co-workers. See, there's been a lot of pressure over the last few months. It's been extremely rough, and some of y colleagues have given well beyond what is generally expected. And I was described as being their cheerleader - the person that pulls for ever member of the team, and gives accolades to my peers, because they're awesome. With these people, that's easy to do.
3. And oh, before I forget, I got a promotion. I am now a Senior Writer. That felt good.
4. Sometimes, even in these perfect moments, when everything seems pointed in the right direction, those evil thoughts creep in. "But ... are you missing something?" Being sans-partner, sometimes my mind asks me if I'm not getting the fullness of life, because I'm doing it on my own. Well, first of all, I'm not ... not really. I'm in it with a myriad of amazing people, and that is nothing like alone. Secondly, I think I'm one of those people who, when there's too much distraction, fractures the important. My career at Nalco took a downward spiral post-relationship; I'm not sure my career can handle a relationship. But finally - and this is the big one - I don't feel remotely incomplete. I am more whole today than I have ever been when I was dating someone. It would take an absolute prince to make it worthwhile to try.
   
5. I will be going to Tucson at least once this year. I miss the desert. It makes me happy. But wait ... it's not just the desert. It's the people! I will spend time amongst the cacti with Mike, Rae and Kaylee. There will be much fun, and delicious food. There is always delicious food.
6. This year I will be doing two different fundraising walks - one for MS, and one for the American Cancer Society. If I ask you to donate, feel free to just high-five me in support. No pressure, but a little somethin' is always appreciated, too.
7. The Friday before Valentine's Day, uber-great instructor Donna is teaching a 90-minute salsa/funk class at the poshest gym ever, and I'm going. If only just to use their showers afterward.
   
8. Take a bed of field greens, some chicken breast marinated in Buffalo sauce, then grilled and sliced, plus some chopped celery and grated carrot. Top it all with a little blue cheese and some ranch dressing ... divine. Buffalo Chicken Salad. You're welcome.
9. I'm out of Christmas candy. This makes me cranky.
10. You know around the small of your back, where lattisimus dorsi hang out along the spine, and the body sorta dips in? No? Okay, go find someone you love; I'll wait. Back? Good. Now, put your arm around your loved one's waist, resting your hand along the small of his or her back. Feel the little dip? Yeah. For a long time, mine felt like mashed potatoes. Now, it feels like mashed potatoes and muscle. Progress!
    

We May Never Pass This Way Again

A few weeks ago, my friend Kathleen invited me to dinner in downtown Downers Grove. We had a lovely meal, sitting and chatting, and I felt a little bit like I was home.

I love this little town almost as much as my own little town, and much of that is because of one woman who first introduced me to it - the inimitable Ellen DeLordo.

I met Ellen when I worked at Nalco Chemical Company, back in the 90s and early 2000s. She made workdays fly by. She made life better just by being in it. She made amazing chicken salad. So, as I sat at the Lemon Tree Grocery a few weeks back, savoring a delicious glass of wine and chatting with Kathleen, I thought, "I should call Ellen, and see if she can join us." But I didn't want to intrude on my Kathleen time, and I figured I'd just call next time I was in town.

As it turns out, Ellen would not have been able to join us, because she was in the final phase of her life here on earth. And earlier this week, we lost her.

She's one of those people who has crossed my mind a lot over the years. She was a pillar of strength during the early stages of my divorce. She was a source of great humor and the best mentor a girl could ask for.

She was My Ellen, and I love her.

We'd lost touch, but always intended to get back together, for mint juleps or a glass of wine or one of her husband Randy's amazing Southern Comfort Old Fashioneds. Not that we were big boozers, mind you; it was usually one drink, curled up on the sofa, and then non-stop laughter for hours on end. The comfort of their home was like a warm blanket to me, and it had nothing to do with the house. It was all Ellen.

If there is a lesson in all of this, it's that sometimes, you can't afford to put off plans. We are all just an illness or bus away from leaving this life; we don't always get a second chance. I will have to learn to live with my regret for not having stayed in this amazing woman's orbit. It's a mistake I would not like to make twice.

Ten on Tuesday, January 18

1. Today is Bex and Matt's anniversary. Happy anniversary, you crazy kids!
2. A group that refers to themselves as "constitutional conservatives and tea party members" began to follow me on Twitter. Seriously. I cracked up, then blocked them.
3. My workouts are seriously difficult, especially on Tuesday nights. I'm a little quivvery right now, and sort of really a lot in need of a hot tub.
4. Coming home tonight, I was greeted to a minefield of cat puke. Special.
5. I've been asked several times lately what inspired me to start running, so I figured I'd just go on record right here with the idea behind it. Because I can. It really is as simple as that. Well, plus a little measure of I didn't think I could. Proving myself wrong? Awesomesauce.
6. I am out of chocolate and there is no ice cream in this house. Tragic!
7. My friend Eric is in New Orleans on a work trip. Have I told you lately how much I love that town?
8. Donna, my Tuesday night instructor of all things good, choreographed a dance to "Raise Your Glass" by P!nk, on my suggestion. It was amazing to dance to it. Even better, because "Since You Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson was also in tonight's mix. Perfect for this particular night. Happy birthday, Jackass.
   
9. My Godson and his family just got back from Walt Disney World. They shared photos on Facebook throughout the trip, and it was so much fun to watch. The only thing that would have been better is if I'd been along with them.
10. I love my life. It's a good one. I'm glad you're part of it.
    

The date and me

I looked at my calendar just now. I had this nagging feeling that there was something significant about tomorrow's date. January 18 ... what is that? Stuart's birthday? No, that's Jan. 28 - exactly six months before my sister Jenn's birthday. What is it about January 18 that I'm supposed to remember.

And then it hit me.

January 18 is Becky Rice's wedding anniversary. Becky and Matt got married on my then-husband's birthday. Yep. That's it; tomorrow my ex turns another year older. Strangely, I don't even know what his age will be. (Well, we can do the math on that one; he was born in 1969, so he's 42.)

How did I get here? How is it that, in five year's time, so much can be forgotten, left in the past where it belongs?

Buckle in. There's a story here.

See, five years ago tomorrow (the actual birthday) was my last day believing the marriage could work. He let it be that way; there were presents involved. Mind you, I was unemployed at the time, but I pulled out all the stops. We went to dinner at our favorite restaurant. I showered him with gifts. (Literally everything that was on his Christmas list that he didn't get then, he received for his birthday.) We had what I thought was a perfect evening. It felt magical. Even though I knew things were not settled, that night, everything felt so right, I believed we would survive.

On January 19, 2006, he told me it was over. Classy, huh?

I fought it. I wept over it. I tried to find a job so I could fix what was broken (as if the budget was the only problem.) I wracked my brain trying to figure out where I'd gone wrong and how I could once again be someone he could love.

I lived in sadness, 24/7, until I was ready to stop doing that.

Time passed. I worked a part-time job. I worked two part-time jobs. I searched tirelessly for a full-time job I could love. I found friends, I rekindled old friendships, I tried to figure out who I was, without him. All of that took time, energy and antidepressants. None of it was easy.

Now, I could regale you with tales of his cruelty, and I could tell how about his wild life wooing the woman he swore was just his friend (which clearly explains why they're married now.) But this is my story, and they aren't part of it, so I'm not going to go there. Besides, if you read old posts long enough, that story is probably here in the blog history, so why beat that dead horse?

So I hunkered down to do the work, and four years ago began the job I currently hold. Starting this job was what I call Turning Point #1. On most days, it is exactly where I want to be. And on days when it's not, they still pay me, so it's a pretty good deal. I'm a writer. That's all I ever wanted to be. It took me 13 months to find a full-time job, but here I am, and I'm loving it. Still.

I continued cultivating friendships, singing karaoke, spending time with people who were good for me (and occasionally not.) My days were pretty much filled with work, friends, food and home. Not a lot of activity, just sort of surviving. And then, as I was about to turn 41, it occurred to me that if I didn't make some changes, I was going to have a pretty short life. And when it was time to pat dirt in my face, I was going to be a fat corpse; nobody wants that! So I joined a gym. This was Turning Point #2.

My first day heading in to Life Time Fitness in Schaumburg, I was terrified. Everyone walking in was thin and fit. I was going to be the only fatty in the entire building! (So not true, but that's how it looked.) But I went in anyway. I was determined not to care. Unless I was willing to always be the fatty, I needed what they had inside those doors.

I walked in. I worked out. I thought I was going to die. I finished, and I left. This was to be my routine. Then, one day as I was walking in, I held the door open for the woman behind me, who turned out to be my ex-husband's cousin. What are the chances? She and I began working out together, and with her encouragement, I tried my first Group Fitness class. (Turning Point #3.) We took Aqua Fitness (water aerobics; perfect for the fat girl!) and had a great time. We got pruney, and then we sat in the hot tub, where I met a man named John and a woman named Linda. After a few classes, they became friends. It's been years since the cousin has been at the gym, but she ushered in a whole new era for me. I will always be grateful.

John and Linda encouraged me to try different classes. Soon, I found myself in Hip-Hop, Salsa Funk and strength training classes. The weight slowly began to melt off. My life slowly began to blossom. Without my knowing, I was creating a life. We'd talk after class, we'd attend classes at other clubs together, and we'd inspire each other to reach for more.

Years past. Friendships solidified. I changed.

It was August of 2010 when I completed my first race. (Turning Point #4.) It happened pretty much as a joke, but I did it, and I was hooked. I signed up for more. I completed more. I have many more coming. I am a runner.

Seriously.

I'm not a good runner, but I'm a runner. And sometimes, I pause and I think about the past five years and I wonder, "who is this woman?" She is joyous. She is incredibly strong. She is funny, she is full of life, and she tries a little harder every day to amaze herself.

Happily Ever After is not just something reserved for happy royal couples. I know. I'm living mine. So, happy birthday, Christopher. Thank you for your part in making me whole ... even if all you had to do was leave.

They say it "passeth understanding" for a reason

I still can't comprehend it.

Shootings in Tucson - home of people I consider family. Shootings that stole six lives, and left a Congresswoman miraculously fighting for her life.

And the only thing going through my mind is "mindless". Such a mindless act! It is beyond my comprehension how someone with infinite choices would choose this sort of violence.

Is peace such a difficult choice? Does it really, as the song says, "passeth understanding"?

I don't know the answer. I struggle with it a lot these days. I'm grateful on one hand that my Tucson peeps didn't choose Saturday morning to grocery shop. Yet, on the other, I know families are grieving for those who were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, to be taken down by a madman with a gun.

And that's an important distinction: They were taken down by a madman, not by the gun.

You know I'm a liberal. It's not a four-letter word! You know I generally vote democrat and that I lean to the left in almost all instances. But I understand guns. I celebrate the fact that my friend Ryan occasionally brings home a deer from the hunt, and shares incredible steaks and roasts with me. I understand guns as sport. I do not understand guns pointed at innocent people for little or no reason.

Crazy knows no party lines, and Saturday's gunman was clearly crazy.

But instead of all the finger pointing we're seeing right now in the wake of such tragedy, I would ask for peace. Choose the path that leads us away from more violence. Choose to love. Choose the beauty of honoring humanity.

It's a choice. Make it, every day.

Ten on Tuesday - It's a New Year!

1. I'm a simple girl with simple needs. I like it that way.
2. I spent New Year's Day with my friend Linda and her family. I love them! We had a blast; so much so, that when I looked at the clock and it said 11:30, I was shocked. Time flies whether you're having fun or not, but when you're having a lot of fun, if flies a lot faster.
3. Back on the food log bandwagon this morning. Good LORD, was there ever a lot of food in my life over the past few weeks! Jeezooey, am I ready to get back into my normal routine.
4. I'm at the Country House until Friday, and I suppose I should admit that I'm ready to come home. I will miss the massive bathtub and the wondrous kitchen, but other than that, I am beyond ready to get back to my digs. I was there last night for a little while, dropping off some stuff I won't need this week, and it just felt ... good. Right. Home.
5. Vacation was wonderful. I didn't accomplish much, but it was nice letting myself be off for awhile, to enjoy the house, curl up with the cat, and take a break from reality. I returned to work (almost) refreshed, ready for a new year.
6. My spin instructor is not teaching on Saturdays any more. What does that mean to me? It means I run on Saturdays now. I won't like it as much, but it will give me the training I need to accomplish my goals.
7. Which include running an 8k on April 10 (I'm already registered for the Shamrock Shuffle; I'll be joining Justin and Diane, and a cast of thousands!) and a half-marathon in early 2012. Lots of training to be done; can I do it? (Yes. Yes, I can.)
8. I didn't sleep very well last night. Can you tell by the ADD-style of this post?
9. I love brie in pastry. It is simply one of my very favorite foods.
10. There's something oddly satisfying about a clean calendar. Soon, it'll be full of notes and appointments and to-do's, but for the moment, it's just a blank slate. That's just plain cool.