Monday, May 9, 2011

Planning, fear, and rushing headlong into the unknown

I have big dreams. If you have big dreams, you have to have big plans so you can have a big reality. Otherwise, your big dreams are just ... dreams.

So I have these big dreams - athletic pursuits, financial stability, good health. And I am working my plans. And sometimes the unthinkable happens and you realize that, no matter how solid your plan, you could be injured, have a financial emergency, or come face to face with a chocolate doughnut to which you cannot say "no".

This is the unknown territory. This is where things get a little scary. And this is where I am right now.

The Achilles has improved a great deal. Last week the doctor cleared me to run a little. As he put it, "Ease slowly back into your running routine." Okay. I can do that.

I took my first tentative steps on Saturday, wimpy intervals on the treadmill. I opted for treadmill because I figured if it hurt, at least I wouldn't be on a trail and have to limp back to the car. I kicked it up to a killer 1 percent incline (I know, I'm so daring!) and off I went - four minutes walking, one minute running. And it felt pretty good. But it also kinda hurt. I got through my half-hour workout (actually it was 34 minutes because I did a four-minute cooldown at the end) and I wasn't in pain.

But I wasn't 100 percent pain-free, either. This, my friends, is the unknown.

I don't know what's going to happen from here. I do know that I have races scheduled and I am determined to participate in them, even if I have to walk. Am I scared? Um, yeah. I want to be this athletic version of myself, and I don't know if I can do that if the injury doesn't heal 100 percent. But at this point, all I can do is dive in, do what I can and see what happens.


Michelle said...

Oh man, I so relate! I'm trying so hard to do what's right and heal while simultaneously fighting this overwhelming fear that I'll never be the athlete I want to be. Its scary. But like you, I'm trying. Maybe I won't be the athlete I currently dream of being, but I'm going to keep moving forward and find out.
Oh and as of now, Blogger totally stole your comment on my blog. Bastard Blogger.

Maggie Bieritz said...

Boo, Blogger! I don't even remember what I said! Oh, well.

I spent the evening with a group of my gym friends, one of whom will be running while I walk a 5k tomorrow. As we were talking, it occurred to me that there's very little chance of getting hurt if you don't try. We got hurt, Michelle, because we ARE athletes. In development, sure, but athletes nonetheless. And we will heal. And we will come back stronger than ever.

Be gracious with yourself. I will try to do the same.

Michelle said...

I so hope you're right. Currently my hips starts to protest after maybe a mile of WALKING. Makes me feel so old and weird to say anything about my hip, for goodness sake. And trust me, I did not want to say "goodness" just now but another word that starts with F.

Maggie Bieritz said...

I hear ya, Michelle! Yesterday I walked around my workplace mumbling "shit, I'm getting old" to myself. Hard to believe that walking an itty-bitty 5K on Saturday would still hurt on Monday, but there you have it. And yet, I know that the more I do it, the better I feel, so ... ever onward we go!