Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Habits - the good and the bad

I walked at lunch today. The sky is a clear and perfect shade of cerulean. The breeze is warm. The trees are brilliantly green and the two-mile trail is almost free of water after the flooding last week.

I go every day, at around noon, as long as there isn't a torrential downpour. It feels good. It's a welcome break from sitting at my desk. I smile almost the entire way. Today, I walked by myself because my walking buds were either busy or late, so I had time to myself to think. And I thought to myself, "This walking thing is a pretty good habit."

It's not something I've done on purpose. It started out as just a way to break up the day. It wasn't my intention to create a habit, but if you do something often enough, regularly enough, it just sort of happens.

As I rounded the first curve, around the pond at the corner of Devon and Mittel, I came to the harsh realization that that is simply the way life works. Do something often enough, regularly enough, and you have yourself a habit.

Which probably explains the low self-confidence I've battled my entire life, or why the bad stuff is easier to believe, even if I'm the only one saying it. It's a habit. I've habitually let myself believe the worst, and I've kept repeating to myself over and over.

You're not good enough. You're too heavy. You're not pretty. Your head is too big. (Okay, that one is true.) You don't deserve it. Everyone else is better, smarter, prettier and/or more talented than you.

I've heard the whispers. Most of them are mine; I am a master of self-doubt. But today, I heard other voices. You walk fast. You are powerful. You could totally knock the crap out of that creepy old runner guy. I'm going to start listening to them; that's a habit I'd like to cultivate.


Janie said...

There is no one out there anything like our Maggie! Don't sell yourself short. You are a confident, capable woman and if that is too scary for some people, too bad. We love you the way you are!

Maggie Bieritz said...

Thanks, Janie. I know you love me, and that's a great thing to know. Sometimes it just feels really difficult to let the good stuff be true and the bad stuff go, ya know? But then you realize, it really is up to you. I guess we never stop learning ... thank GOD!

mike rice said...

I never noticed. You DO have a big head.

KellyAnn said...

He is right. It is big.

maggie said...

You guys suck.

KellyAnn said...

But we love you.