Ten on Tuesday July 27

1. It's 84 degrees out and I just came in from my afternoon walk. I am slimy.
2. Mixed greens, grilled chicken, tomatoes, avocado, mushrooms, honey roasted pecans and feta, with a little Green Goddess dressing ... lunch, to die for.
3. This week began the busiest two weeks in the life of Maggie in recent memory. Monday night, physical therapy; Tuesday night at the gym (can't miss that); Wednesday night, rehearsal; Thursday night, physical therapy and rehearsal for the other show; Friday night, laundry; Saturday I hope to give myself a day of rest, because Sunday is the Muddy Buddy relay! Yes, I will be running, biking and crawling through mud. I should probably have my head examined, but it's one of those things I want to be able to say I did. After the mud, there's more rehearsal, and then we start a new week on repeat, with shows on the weekend instead of mud. I will relax again on August 9.
4. I am so excited to rehearse for the Libertyville show tomorrow night. I'll be working with Dustin Helvie, one of the most awesome musicians from my theatrical past, and Polly Ludena, a former theater nemesis and current friend. Should be a lot of fun!
5. I finally got to turn the A/C off for about 36 hours. It had been running from July 4 until last Sunday, July 25, at around 9 a.m. Not complaining - you know I do my best not to complain in the summer, because winter almost kills me every year - just sayin' ... it's fixin' to be a long, hot summer.
6. My first physical therapy appointment was last night. It is going to be hard, but worth it. And it will feel less difficult because my physical therapist is a very, very pretty boy. ;) He also worked with my dad after one of his knee surgeries, and my brother when he was having shoulder issues. Seems very capable and knowledgeable. The funniest part of the appointment was when we were talking about my activity level. I told him that I walk most days at the office, and that I have a pretty set gym schedule. "You do a lot," he said. "You would, too, if you had as much weight to lose as I do." He asked if I'd lost weight, and I said yes, and as long as the number kept trending downward I was okay with that. Then he asked if I watched what I ate, and I told him not really - I try to eat well, but I don't really count calories or track anything (although I know I should.) And he says - "You know, you'd lose it a lot faster if you'd be more careful with your food." Yeah, I know. And thanks for sounding like a combination of my sister Jenn and my dad.
7. Andre Dawson ... my favorite Cub, ever. He was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame on Sunday. He is a complete gentleman, and one of the most talented to ever play the game. As much of a fan as I am, I only wanted the signature of one player, ever, and that's Andre Dawson. I got it, several years ago at a Home Depot. When I handed him the ball I'd brought, and asked for his signature, he smiled, turned the ball to find the sweet spot, and signed his name. I told him that day, "You know, one day I'd like to go to Cooperstown, but I won't go until you're part of the Hall." He looked up at me and smiled. Now, I can plan that trip.
8. A dear friend of mine lost his brother this week. A 40-year-old man, dead in an instant from an aneurysm. In the blink of an eye, he was gone. And of course this causes me to think of my sisters, with whom I don't always agree. It causes me to wonder how I would react if one of them were taken before we are all old and gray. I'm not ready to lose them, or any of the people I hold dear. So if you have it in your heart, take a moment and make sure the people you love know how much they mean to you. You just never know when you might lose that opportunity.
9. I wake up almost every morning looking forward to going back to bed. Seriously, I do love sleeping. I could win a gold medal in sleep.
10. I hate meetings. The end.

Ten on Wednesday, July 21

1. It's sort of like Tuesday to me, because I took Monday off. I treated my Godson, Ross, to an "Aunt Maggie Day". We went miniature golfing (36 holes in 90-degree temps; crazy!), had lunch at Steak & Shake, and then saw The Karate Kid. It was a great day. I got to spend it with a truly awesome young man, and feel a little like a kid again, myself. (The movie, by the way, was thoroughly enjoyable. I kinda want to take kung fu now.)
2. Last night at the gym, a woman I know but don't see often stopped me. "You're wearing pink," she said. Why yes, yes I was. "It looks different. You look different. Your body; it's changing." I think she meant it in a nice way. "I only see you every few weeks, see," she continued. "I notice." Then today at the office, someone said, "You walk almost every day, don't you?" And yes, I do - even when it's sweltering. "You're losing weight." Well, not sure if the scale agrees, but here's hoping!
3. Tomorrow morning - that's Thursday, July 22 - at 8:30, I will see the doctor and learn the results of my MRI. I'm really hoping it's nothing major, and we can clear it up simply and as painlessly as possible. To be honest, I don't know if I'm up for surgery right now. Guess I'll have to see what the word is ... and try not to panic in the meanwhile.
4. I had Chuckles today for a snack. Fat free and delicious!
5. I have every song on my iPod on shuffle. You wouldn't believe how much Christmas music comes up in an eight-hour workday!
6. The family got together for July birthday dinner (that would be both Pat and Jenn) on Sunday. It was great to see my sisters, brother and of course, Dad. It was a delightful evening of good food, many laughs, and only a few times when I just had to let shit go. If only the eight of us hadn't been squished onto a table more suited for six, it probably would have been perfect.
7. I am as overscheduled as the child of a yuppy couple these days. It's not forever, though, so I'm pretty sure I'll pull through.
8. I would like a new pair of shoes. I'm going to pay my student loan instead.
9. Doing things because we always do them just isn't a good enough reason for me.
10. Every now and then, I go through my Facebook friends and weed people out. People who are always trying to sell me something, people who are mean, people who provide nothing but a constant barrage of ignorance ... gone. If I still show up on your News Feed, it's not you. ;)

Wee victory

Yesterday, my friend Krista got married.

Weddings are important events, and I believe when one is invited to one, it is an honor and a privilege. But in the midst of my monumental pity-pot breakdown yesterday afternoon, I almost lost sight of that fact. I almost gave in to the panic in my heart and stayed home.

See, sometimes I look in the mirror and shudder. I have never been a fan of my reflection. And yesterday, I wanted to feel pretty. I didn't. I had that shell-shocked paralysis that almost kept me home, instead. I sat on my bed and began to text the bride, explaining that I was unable to make it because I just didn't feel up to it.

I didn't feel up to it? As I keyed the words into my phone and read them back, I was shocked at myself. Half of life, after all, is in the showing up. It's about being there for the moments that matter - the big ones, like weddings, and the little ones, too. I want to be someone who shows up.
So I put on my best denim, having been assured that anything we were comfortable would be acceptable for this most eclectic gathering, and I took of for the train.

Along my journey, two friends called out of the blue - almost as if the universe wanted to reassure me that I was loved, no matter how I might feel about myself in that moment.

I arrived at the art gallery (yes, I have friends who get married in art galleries. How cool is THAT?) and wandered around, meeting the groom and wishing the gorgeous bride the best and eventually meeting up with some friends. And ya know what? They didn't seem to notice that I wasn't having a beautiful day. They only seemed to care that I was there, and that we were together to celebrate this day.

It was a hard day, one that found me almost constantly on the brink of tears, but that was okay. Everyone cries at weddings, right? And in the end, there was so much joy. I hope to remember last night as a moment when I wanted desperately to hide in a corner, and I chose awesome instead, and found myself letting go of all the things that would have kept me home as the evening progressed. It was a small victory, but a victory nonetheless.

My stunningly beautiful and talented co-workers - Cinthya, me, Bonnie, Bev, Kyra and Brienne.

Ten on Tuesday, July 13

1. I don't take kindly to being treated poorly. By anyone. Please don't reprimand me in a crowded office by telling me I "screwed everything up", especially when A) I didn't and B) I followed your directions. Please don't shout into the phone to tell me I'm getting old. Please ... just don't. When you're nasty to me a few times, I can let it go, but when it seems to just be the way you do things, I find it very hard to respect or like you.
2. Why is a concoction made up of Mandarin oranges, pineapple, marshmallows, coconut and sour cream referred to as "Hawaiian salad"? Seriously ... there is nothing remotely salad-like about this dish. Although I will take seconds, please.
3. Ever wanted to hear me sing? Well, you'll get your chance in August. On August 7, I'm part of Liberty Town Productions' Summer Showcase. Shows at 6 and 8:30 p.m., and more info is available here. The following day, I'll be participating in the Fox Valley Park District's "Summer Stage Turns 40" Concert of Memories. I was once very active in Summer Stage, and it's a blast rehearsing with old friends. More info on this show can be found here. Tickets can be reserved by emailing summerstage40@yahoo.com. Thank you for allowing me this shameless plug. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.
4. Rehearsal for the Summer Stage show last Sunday was like a trip back in time. Really - afterward, I invited myself to Patrick's mom's house for dinner; it was that much like 1987. Some things just don't get old. We ate Italian sausage and seafood salad, we swam in the rain, and we sat on the porch and talked. I'm a lucky girl.
5. So, I'm pretty busy these days. Lots of running around from rehearsal to the gym to work to doctor's appointments. Yeah, the knee is still not solved. On Thursday I go for an MRI, and after we know what's wrong, we'll decide what to do. I'm hoping it's not surgery; if some physical therapy can set me right again, I will be a happy woman (who no longer walks like she's 90.)
6. I already ate my lunch, but I'm hungry. There is no justice in the world.
7. I went to the Chicago Botanic Garden on Sunday. It's not in Chicago. It is, however, beautiful. Patrick, Ed, Javier and I met at Max's Deli for breakfast, and then we headed over to the Garden. So pretty. There were lots of little benches and areas to just relax. I could have spent the entire weekend there. In fact, I sort of wish I were still there.
8. Sometimes I get the urge to write nasty letters to the people who have hurt me. I usually talk myself out of it, though, because I realize ... they don't care. I have to learn to let stuff go, to stop feeling hurt over things that are so long in the past. It's tough, sometimes.
9. I saw one of my favorite families perform in "Seussical" last Saturday night. The Ludenas - Polly, Marc, Ross, Jack and Rosalie - were adorable. As a real fan of Dr. Seuss, I truly enjoyed the show. Especially seeing Ro as the baby elephant bird!
10. My finances will probably always be hard for me to manage. It takes real effort for me to manage my money, but I'm getting there. In fact, in what I consider a monumental event, I received the statement from my 401K yesterday. There is money in it. Not a lot - I've only been active since February - but there's money. More than I have had saved in a long, long time. It feels good.

10 on Wednesday, July 7

10 Things I Loved About My July 4th Weekend

1. House salad with fig balsamic vinaigrette at Ryan Braun's Tavern and Grill. And the chicken Marsala. And the gelatto trio. Delicious!
2. Friday night karaoke with Dale. It was a hoot to walk in the door and see Candy's face, because she didn't know I would be there. Of course, she had me sing her song, which went over brilliantly. We sang, we danced, we had a few drinks and a lot of water (man, the humidity!) and we really enjoyed listening to each other sing. It was a new twist on old times.
3. My haircut. It's not short by any means, but it is a lot shorter. I love it. It's bouncy and sassy (right, Rae?) and it doesn't end up in a complete mess after driving around with the top down.
4. Laying at the pool all day long. Bliss with SPF 30, a good book and even better company. Amber and I lounged throughout the day and chatted with her neighbors. Most of the people in her complex are a little older, and they are just charming, wonderful people. We talked about everything from the goose problem in Delavan to Lady Gaga. What a hoot!
5. Doing nothing for an entire evening. We thought about heading out to hear a band, or see a movie, but in the end I fell asleep on the chaise lounge in the living room and finally crawled to bed around 10:30. Yep, that's me - still a party animal!
6. Coffee and a walk. On Sunday, July 4, we slept in and then got dressed to wander around town. We stopped at Caribou for a delicious, frosty coffee treat and then wandered to the lakefront. So beautiful. It was a windy day and the air smelled amazing. There were so many people along the lake enjoying this amazing day. We found a little spot in the shad to sit and people watch for awhile ... bliss.
7. Big salads for lunch. Romaine, chicken breast, cranberries, nuts, feta and Green Goddess dressing. Does it get any better than that? Nope. Not as far as I'm concerned.
8. Wandering through gardens. We visited the North Wind Perennial Farm, which is part nursery and part gorgeous gardens. So many little nooks and crannies, and a big barn full of stuff my mother would have loved. I'm still thinking about the wind chime made of spoons. We also stopped at a mushroom farm, where they had the most beautiful produce ever. Makes me hungry just thinking about it! And that mango/Key lime salsa ... I would like some now, please.
9. Fireworks and water. Amber's friend David (who is also Patrick's friend, of course, and is now my friend, too) invited us out on his boat to watch the fireworks. He's on Lake Como, and from the middle of the lake, we could see fireworks from Fontana, Lake Como and the Grand Geneva. Incredible! Even though it was a little misty out on the water, it was a wonderful experience. I felt like I was among old friends, and sharing fireworks like that ... well, to me, it matters. Fireworks are meant to be shared with people you love.
10. Coming home. I elected to drive home after the fireworks rather than stay until Monday. While I missed breakfast with Laura, I was happy to be home. Honestly, I think that's the best part of most trips - coming home and realizing that this is where I belong.

Good as new?

I don't know exactly when it happened.

Was it a by-product of being married? The annual addition of a birthday? The moment I realized that my best days were probably behind me?

I don't know what led me to this place. I do know that, somewhere along the way, I stopped seeing myself as fixable. I decided that the aches and pains, the ways in which my body simply didn't behave, were just part of getting older. So my knee hurts. So the little sucker is prone to injury. What do you expect, at almost 44 years of age?

Turns out, I can expect more.

See, I've been really active over the last month or so. Keeping up the gym regimen while participating in relays, serving beers and helping friends move. All the while babying my knee, trying to keep from hurting it, and yet causing some very real pain. It wasn't getting any better, so I went to the doctor.

Who assures me that, with physical therapy, I can be good as new.

Really? After I'd given up and pretty much resigned myself to growing old next week, I learn that it doesn't have to be this way? Evidently. And that's an important revelation: We're never really done. We can never give up. Good enough can never be good enough.

So I have my first appointment next Wednesday at 4 pm. It will probably make me want to cry like a girl. Which is fortunate, because I am. But I'm going to do it, and I'm going to be good as new.