Goodbye to June

This month has been an incredible challenge. Actually, to be more precise, 2011 has been a challenge, which seemed to culminate in an overflowing June. So as I sit here on the final day of this month, I'm more than happy to put it in my rearview mirror.

On the work front, our annual Conference was this week. All the behind-the-scenes work, of course, had to be done ahead of that, and much of it was done by my department. To say that we are all exhausted would be an understatement. This year was particularly challenging, with a lot changing and much of that at the last minute. It's no wonder I've become an insomniac.

Personally, I've had some physical challenges, as well. My Achilles continues to fight me, and although there are days when it feels okay, there are lots of days when it's painful. It's swollen every day. I should find out next week what the MRI says is wrong, and then we'll know how to proceed. Sometimes it's difficult not to feel betrayed by my body. Here I am, trying to give it the care it deserves, and it strikes back with a vengeance. I'm trying to be patient ... but that's a lot harder than it looks!

So I look to July with great hope. Hope that Independence Day weekend brings some relaxation (and fun in Wisconsin, likely accompanied by cheese.) Hope that I'll be able to take part in the races that are on my schedule. Hope that once I know what's wrong with the Achilles, I'll be able to heal it and move on. And hope that, from here on out, 2011 and I will start getting along.

Thank you, June, for showing me how strong and capable I am. (Seriously ... I did the Warrior Dash in June!) Now, don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. I'm ready for July.

Five years

It was five years ago-ish ... the fateful day when my then-husband and his latest woman (now his latest wife) packed up his stuff and he moved on.

Well, good riddance to bad rubbish, my dear. And the rubbish, as it turned out, was both him and his crap. Sweet Jesus, that boy had horrible taste in just about everything, save for his first two wives.

It was a horribly difficult day, made tolerable by a dear friend who picked me up in his soft-top Jeep Wrangler, and drove me all over the Chicago area. All. Day. Long. Top down, tunes cranked. When the top's down, tears dry quickly. We drove for hours. That friend was Brian Shamie, or Cute Brian, as I call him, and he saved my life that day. Though we've since grown apart, I will never forget what he gave me - smiles and happiness on what was easily one of my top five crappiest days ever.

Five years. Sometimes, it seems like yesterday. Sometimes, if seems like the marriage never happened at all ... like it was just some crazy daydream, never part of reality.

But it did happen, I was once married to someone who took advantage of my every kindness and jumped ship as soon as things got really tough. It left me scarred and strong, and with an uncanny ability to open myself up to receive what he was unable to give me: unconditional love. It has come to me from the most unlikely of sources, and from people I never would have met if we had stayed together.

This blog was born out of a need to vent, to let out the emotion of being discarded like yesterdays newspaper. It's a testament to the healing that has happened over the past five years, and what I find most ironic is this: almost every post is one of great joy. This isn't my public-facing pity pot, it's the story of Becoming Maggie ... the real, whole, honest person I've always been, but needed a little nudge to return to.

Which leads me to wonder, what will the next five years bring? Stay tuned. Much is likely to change, but my need to write about it? Yeah, that's a constant.

Thanks for coming along for the ride thus far.

They're playin' my song/s

In the many years I've walked this planet, one thing is constant: Music. I can remember very vivid dreams as a child, imagining myself singing back-up for my favorite artists. I can recall minute details, such as what I was wearing at the age of six, harmonizing to John Denver. My life has a soundtrack, and it weaves through the most important (and unimportant) moments over the past 44 years.

So when my computer gave up the ghost a few years ago, I panicked. All I had was my iPod - my ancient, second-generation unit, which surely wouldn't be around forever. It had all my music on it, but A) I had no computer on which to update or play it and B) even if I did, iTunes wouldn't allow me to transfer it back.

Enter the new computer. My beautiful new iMac is technical perfection. And now, it houses all my music once again. (Note to self: get an external hard drive for backup.)

Thanks to a bit of software, I was able to pull my 6,000 songs off the 'Pod and back into the world. I was not prepared for how this was going to make me feel. I started toolin' around through some of the old stuff on there (Kung Fu Fighting, anyone?) and it was like a light came on. Seriously. Yes, I know it sounds cheesy, but I have my music; all feels right with my world.

Mud, sweat and beer

I can't remember whose idea it was.

I don't know whether to slap them or kill them, if I ever figure it out.

Suffice it to say, back in January, someone said, "Hey, let's run Warrior Dash." And I said yes.

Yesterday was my Dash, and it was awesome. Perfect? No. I skipped a few obstacles, because I just didn't feel safe. It took me a long-ass time to get through the entire course. But I finished, vertical, with no new injuries; that was the goal.

There was a lot of climbing in the Dash. Enough for me to realize I had a fear of heights. Who knew? But the magic of events like this doesn't come from the course, or the obstacles, or the beer, or the turkey legs. It comes from your fellow competitors. Like my friend Linda, who stuck with me through the entire course, knowing that I was not physically at my best, and wanting to enjoy the experience with me. And like the woman who waited for me atop one of the obstacle walls. You had to scale the wall - angled, but still treacherous - using a rope. At the top, you had to find a way to bend and reach over, so you could climb ladder-style down the back. Up there she waited, grabbed hold of me, hoisted my massive thigh over the top and made sure I could make it down.

The chances of me completing that obstacle without her are somewhere between slim and non-existent.

That one gave me the confidence to take on most of the others. The course was supposed to include 10 obstacles, but in the days prior to the Dash, organizers added two ... plus incredible natural obstacles like creeks and muddy, steep hills. We had to dig in, tighten the core, and hope for the best. Looking back over the day, I can't believe I made it through.

At each obstacle, Linda and I took one band off our left wrist and moved it to the right, and took a moment to honor our friend Barb, who could not participate in the Dash because she's in Ohio with her mother, who is not in good health. Those moments provided a bit of a spiritual nature to our race. The obstacles we traversed were nothing compared to the obstacles we face in real life.

3.28 miles. 12 official obstacles. Two muddy hills that required a rope to ascend. All told, before I could get to beer, turkey legs and sweet corn, I climbed a wall, traversed over a suspended cargo net, made my way up and over a box maze (which was really kind of lame), climbed another wall and dropped down the other side, pulled myself up and over a wooden archway, climbed yet another wall and slid down a fire pole on the other side, made my way up a VERY TALL cargo net only to slowly descend (while shaking) down the other side, leaped over flames ... and crawled through a mud pit.

I was feeling a little bit like a wuss, because I skipped a few challenges. I didn't climb on cars (but I did make it through some of the tires). I didn't climb the rickety platforms. And there was no way I was going to climb the wall that went straight up ... and straight down. I took one step up and my whole self started to shake; that was just not gonna happen. But my friend Linda? Yeah, the wild woman completed them all. And realizing that I completed nine of 12, when there were only supposed to be 10. Yeah, I'm a bad-ass.

Today, it's bruises and laundry. And an incredible sense of accomplishment.

Summer? A list.

This summer, while taking its sweet time to get here, has already offered me splendid opportunities to enjoy things I love. Already this year, I have lounged poolside, been out on a boat, and spent a day at a water park. It's been perfect, and it's not even really summer yet! (The solstice is June 21.) So it got me thinkin' ... what else do I not want to miss? Here is my summer to-do list:

• Participate in another obstacle race. (Doin' it this Saturday.)


• Get a bike. Ride it.


• See a movie at the drive-in.


• Rollerblade (without falling on my touchas like I did last time I tried.)


• Grill the perfect burger. (Much easier since Linda gave me a grill.)


• Spend a day at Millennium Park.


• Take yoga at Millennium Park.


• See/hear a concert at Ravinia.


• Let my friend Dale cook for me.


• Fireworks!


• Road trip to Charleston, IL.


• Take a hike.


• Have a picnic.


• Build a sandcastle.

That's it; pretty doable, I think! What's on your list?

The mirror

There was a time in the not-too-distant past when I didn't like to look in the mirror. The girl looking back at me was just not how I saw myself. Back then, I thought the difference was the extra weight. I thought I didn't like my reflection, because that girl was the fatty-moo-moo version of me.

Fast forward to now. I'm still carrying extra weight (although a lot less) and I'm still never gonna be the prettiest girl in any room ... but it's so different now, that reflection.

Who I am is what is different.

On Monday morning, I set the alarm and got up early for a run. (Yes, I did that.) I dressed in black active pants and the green t-shirt we got for running the Sweetness 5K last Saturday. I had just woken up, so I wasn't all cutesy-cute girl. And I caught a glimpse of myself in the big mirror in my bedroom.

I actually said, out loud, to my reflection, "Damn, girl ... "

That's right. I totally hit on myself.

Made me smile. And it gave me something to think about on that run. Yes, I've made changes. I've lost some weight. But the real changes have happened inside my head. I've accepted who I am. I've become something more than I was before. And that has given me confidence. It's the confidence I'm seeing in the mirror.

See, when a man like my ex-husband leaves you for the type of woman for whom he left me, ya feel scarred. It seems inevitable that, when faced with the knowledge that He Who Must Not Be Named chose Ursula the Sea Witch to yours truly, I would envision myself as less than she. (I know, I know ... but that's where the mind goes. The dark places.) He wasn't good for me when we were married, but after he left? Then he was horrible for me.

My point, I suppose, is that this has been a five-year process. It was five years ago this month that he packed up his stuff and moved out. Five long years.

Five years of growth and opportunity. Five years of peeling an onion, layer by little layer, to find out what's shakin' inside.

That's not to say that we're done; no, not by a longshot. I am still in the process of becoming, and I hope I always am.

Of weekend plans and baby carrots

I'm always hungry. This is not necessarily a good thing, especially with the weekend approaching and, with it, a slew of food opportunities ... which may or may not be appropriate.

Tonight I was planning to go to the gym, but then I thought it through and realized that was kinda dumb. I have a 5K in the morning; overdoing it tonight could make tomorrow difficult. So, tonight I'll be doing laundry and straightening out my abode.

Tomorrow's "race" is the Sweetness 5K, to benefit the Walter Payton Foundation. I was supposed to run it with two of my sisters, but both of them backed out. One has work that is calling her out of town; the other simply has too much work. Which was all well and good, honestly, because my running pals Mama Dee, Pam, Simone, Shelly and Meg are running it, too. But still, my sister Kathie didn't want me to be out there "alone", so she'll be running with me. (And by "with me", I mean "approximately ten minutes ahead of me.")

After the run, we're hoping to spend the morning/afternoon at the water park. There are storms in the forecast, however. Please make them go away.

The rest of the weekend will be comprised of Thai food and theater with Kathleen (my friend Kathleen, not to be confused with my sister, Kathie, who is also a Kathleen) and working on a massive pictorial project for a friend of mine. Should make for a relaxing weekend.

BUT ... I need groceries. I need them to be cheap and healthy. Looks like I'll be cooking some this weekend, too. So, off we go, into the blissful two days of non-work-life. Enjoy it!

Need a break? Try a 24-hour vacation.

Ahhh, Memorial Day weekend. Love it. Summer's distant call steps up close and screams in your ear, "I'M HERE!!!" At some point over the three-day weekend, it becomes time to let summer in.

My weekend started out delightfully over a splendid dinner of chips and guac. I wish I were kidding, but no matter. It was tasty. Saturday dawned bright and early, as the Misfits Run Club gathered at 6:45 (yawn) to get a 30-minute run logged before strength training class. (After which the smart people jumped in the indoor pool. Too cold for outdoors on Saturday!)

Saturday night found me in the living room at a friend's house, enjoying the company of some great girlfriends - especially Gretchen, from CT! So good to finally meet her. Anyhoo, it was a lovely evening (I brought mojitos) but I gave myself an early curfew. This girl is no longer equipped to burn the candle at both ends!

Sunday dawned stormy, and I seized the opportunity to lay in bed with my coffee and "The West Wing" on DVD. Perfection. I followed the storm system on The Weather Channel and determined that I could leave my house at around 5 p.m. to head north for my 24-hour respite.

The drive to Lake Geneva was beautiful. The storm had passed, there were a few clouds in the sky, but mostly it was just pretty. I arrived in time to visit with Amber and Jeremiah, have some spiked lemonade by the pool, and still primp before heading out. Our friend John's band was playing at a bar in Burlington, WI - the Sly Fox - and we wanted to check it out. Drank a little beer, played some darts (I came in last ... and one of the players is blind!) and enjoyed the music. Truly a fun night!

Then, Sunday arrived in all its glory. I headed out for an early morning run, and was surprised (shocked? dismayed?) at how hilly Lake Geneva is. After my warm-up walk interval, I turned a corner and BAM. Hill. Okay, I'll take you on. Thankfully there was a bit of a breeze and a lot of shade along my route, because it could have been brutal! Hills, heat and humidity; guess I'm gonna have to get used to that if I'm gonna run in the summertime, huh?

Back at the house, I dripped sweat and Amber made breakfast. Eggs, sausage, toast, hash browns, coffee ... all from the comfort of my chaise lounge. Delightful! After tidying up, we put on our bathing suits and headed for the pool.

My suit is so cute! I made a good choice; and only $20 at Old Navy. A few hours in the sun was enough for us, because at 1:30 it was time to get on a boat!

Our friend David invited us out onto Lake Como for lunch, beverages and a good time. It was 89 degrees, but out on the water the breeze was so lovely, I wasn't going to complain. We spent several hours out there, talking, laughing and enjoying the scenery. Just beautiful. I definitely felt like I'd truly departed my everyday life.

As 5 p.m. approached, it was time to head to shore, pack my things and point the Jeep south. The drive was perfect - top down, light breeze, complete harmony with the world around me. I can't imagine a better way to usher in summer than with a little activity, a little relaxation, and a lot of time with the best of friends.

Of food, family and friends

What do you do when your weekend plans go awry? You roll with it, make the best of it, and end up having a great time!

I had all-day Saturday plans, but when they went belly-up, I opted to drive to Wisconsin to surprise Kevin and Kelly, who were visiting from out of town. I had previously told Kel that it wasn't in the cards (see previous statement that I had plans), so it was so much fun to surprise her and just show up.

Laughter. Food. Repeat.

There's something about old friends (I've known Kelly for almost 30 years) that can help you make more sense to yourself. It was awesome.

I was able to visit with them guilt-free because on Friday night, I participated in the Augie's Quest fundraiser at the gym, doing a three-hour workout (two of which were cardio) ... so I started off the weekend with a calorie deficit, thereby earning my burger and strawberry shortcake. Sadly, that was my only workout of the weekend; so much going on!

Saturday night found me back home, snuggled in my little apartment and catching up on a few chores. Sunday was scheduled pretty full, so I made it an early night. The alarm went off in the morning and I was off and running (taking time to style my stunning hair, however, which has been lightened and highlighted and I freaking LOVE IT!) I drove to Aurora for my Godson Ross' Sunday School program, which also featured his brother Jack and sister Ro. Can I just say adorable? I love those kids. (Their parents aren't bad, either, and their Mammy? She's the bizzomb.) We had a leisurely lunch afterward, but I think the kids' favorite part of the day was riding around in Aunt Maggie's car with the top down.

Yeah. I'm the cool aunt.

After that it was over to my dad's to help my nephew with a school project and have dinner. I absolutely love spending time with my father. He is wise and funny, and I hope with all my heart to someday be as amazing as he is. I love spending time with my brother, my twin, whose sweetness knows no bounds. Those are the best parts of any visit home.

Weekend Wuv

Oh, shut up. I thought it was cute!

Welcome back to the "real world". Here we, staring down the barrel of another Monday. But at least we had the weekend to totally take a break from the 9 to 5 insanity! And what a weekend it was.

Started off active, which is a great way to kick Weekend Mode into high gear. Friday night was my friend Rebekah's birthday party, and because she's completely bananas, she arranged for a private Zumba lesson for all her friends at the Vernon Hills branch of my gym. (It should be noted that the Vernon club is much more posh than mine; it's a few levels up on the membership scale. They scoff when people from Schaumburg show up, but we were on the guest list, so they let us in, anyway.)

We danced. We tried to have fun. But I was simply reminded of why I absolutely hate Zumba. But that's another story for another time.

It was great to see Rebekah, and I would do it again if that's what she wanted for her celebration. Workout friend Linda and I got to catch up a little bit with workout friend Lisa, and we were also treated to amazing food from this place. Oh holy crap; it was worth it to Zumba, just to get to this food!

All too soon, Linda and I had to go. Saturday morning would bring an early alarm, because we had to Run Wild!

Here's our group - my sister Jenn, my sister Pat, me, my friend Pam and my friend Linda. We're ready to run! (Photo by a stray fellow runner.)
It was a little chilly, in my opinion, but we had a great time. I simply love these women. I am truly touched when my family and friends meet and the combination works out well. There was a lot of love! Should you have the burning desire to read my full race report, I'll have to refer you to my health and wellness blog, found here. I'm sure you'll be riveted.

So anyhoo, it was cold but fun. I wish it had been warmer, because we could have stayed the whole day in the zoo, but with the wind and our sweat, that just wasn't gonna be wise. Time to go home.

"Home" for me was Dad's house, where I mooched food, helped Alex with homework and took a bath. Dad has a great tub. Then it was off to church; Alex was playing drums in the band, and he's wanted me to come hear him, so this seemed to be a good way to work it in. He did very well, in spite of the fact that I wasn't terribly wild about the songs. Sister Pat made up for that by bringing me a frappuchino.

After church we had burgers at Dad's, which was perfect because I've been craving burgers on the grill. Seeing as I don't have a grill, I'm pretty much beholden to others to fulfill my cravings. It was delicious! I headed home at around 6:30, and had a few hours to do laundry and relax before going to bed.

Sunday started with coffee in bed and "The West Wing" on dvd; super relaxing compared to the previous morning! By 11:30, though, I was on my way to Elkhorn, WI to see my friends Jeremiah, Tim and Aimee in "Anything Goes". The beautiful Amber and I both thought it was a thoroughly enjoyable production! I really like the show, and Tim did an amazing Job. Jeremiah is just adorable, and Aimee made a great addition to the chorus. All in all, a perfect way to spend a cloudy Sunday afternoon.

After the show, Jeremiah, Amber and I went to Moy's for Chinese food. It's amazing to me to see Jeremiah navigate the world. If you read this post, you'll recall that Jeremiah is blind. And yet he's the first one to cross the street, because he can tell by the sounds of traffic if it's safe. See? Fascinating. Anyway, we had a delightful dinner, even though Amber forgot to offer Jeremiah any rice.

All in all, I couldn't have asked for a better weekend. I was busy, but I had some time to relax. I spent time with some of my favorite people, and it helped Monday morning seem a lot less daunting. Sometimes, you just need to be reminded that work isn't the only thing you do.

Simple Truths

Here, for your considerations ... some stuff I know for sure is true.

• Sometimes, having a DQ Blizzard for lunch is the wisest choice you can make.


• I have many, many facets, and when one of them doesn't shine, I'm still a gem.


• Never try to retrieve your keys from hot lava, because once they're gone, they're gone.


• A good workout comes in many forms, and you should try all of them.


• After a good workout, going down a twisty water slide is the ultimate reward.


• It's not about the run, or the time. It's about finishing, vertical, and having fun along the way.


• Conversely, if it's not your day and you can't finish, it's about being wise enough to call and end to it and go to the nearest St. Arbucks.


• There are relatives, and there is family. Some of them intertwine, but you don't have to be related to be family.


• I sleep much better when it's cool outside.


• Birthday parties are wasted on children. As we age, every year is a gift. I'm totally playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey this year.


• The new album from Roger Clyne & the Peacemakers, Unida Cantina, is freaky awesome. It reminds me a lot of the old Refreshments stuff ... yummy.


• If you can't decide what to drink, you should probably just have water.


• The most delicious food is best melted, like chocolate and cheese. Oh, fondue ... I love you.


• Stretch. You'll never regret it.


• And you really do need to wear sunscreen.

Planning, fear, and rushing headlong into the unknown

I have big dreams. If you have big dreams, you have to have big plans so you can have a big reality. Otherwise, your big dreams are just ... dreams.

So I have these big dreams - athletic pursuits, financial stability, good health. And I am working my plans. And sometimes the unthinkable happens and you realize that, no matter how solid your plan, you could be injured, have a financial emergency, or come face to face with a chocolate doughnut to which you cannot say "no".

This is the unknown territory. This is where things get a little scary. And this is where I am right now.

The Achilles has improved a great deal. Last week the doctor cleared me to run a little. As he put it, "Ease slowly back into your running routine." Okay. I can do that.

I took my first tentative steps on Saturday, wimpy intervals on the treadmill. I opted for treadmill because I figured if it hurt, at least I wouldn't be on a trail and have to limp back to the car. I kicked it up to a killer 1 percent incline (I know, I'm so daring!) and off I went - four minutes walking, one minute running. And it felt pretty good. But it also kinda hurt. I got through my half-hour workout (actually it was 34 minutes because I did a four-minute cooldown at the end) and I wasn't in pain.

But I wasn't 100 percent pain-free, either. This, my friends, is the unknown.

I don't know what's going to happen from here. I do know that I have races scheduled and I am determined to participate in them, even if I have to walk. Am I scared? Um, yeah. I want to be this athletic version of myself, and I don't know if I can do that if the injury doesn't heal 100 percent. But at this point, all I can do is dive in, do what I can and see what happens.

I should've filled my drawers with Peeps

My goal this Easter was to do something active. Sunday is not a normal workout day for me, but it's also not a normal food day for most people. It's one of those "if it ain't nailed down, eat it" sort of days. So I thought, if I can balance the massive amounts of deliciousness with a little activity, there would be a little less guilt in having two slices of pie.

Could YOU choose between Key Lime and Apple? I thought not.

So I packed my little bag with workout gear, my inline skates and my protective gear - knee pads and wrist guards. I was going rollerblading with The Nephew.

It should be noted here that I was once a rather accomplished inline skater. Sure, I fell a lot, but when you're willing to try stuff, ya gotta be willing to fall. Most of the time, though, I was able to stay upright. My sister Jenn and I could be found most weekends on the Fox River Trail, wending our way Northward with a breeze in our hair (and the occasional bug up our noses.) So I wasn't prepared for how difficult it was going to be after a few (okay, 13) years to put on the skates and hit the trail once again.

I should have tried smooth pavement. (Hell, I should have tried a padded room!) I should have gotten practice in a newly-blacktopped parking lot or somethin' like that, but instead ... we hit the trail.

The bumpy, hilly trail.

I made it up the first hill. I began to doubt my ability to skate. I made it down that hill (with many prayers of intercession.) I made it around that bitchin' curve and I made it up the second hill. I began to doubt my sanity. Then, I had a brilliant idea: The Nephew and I should abandon this trail (it really, really is bumpy) and go to another park, where there's a 1.5 mile loop that (if memory serves) is paved in such a way that it doesn't feel like gravel beneath your feet. So we turned around.

And that hill I'd just come up? I had to go down it.

I made it almost all the way to the bottom before all hell broke loose. My feet seemed to leave my body and my backside met the pavement. Skid-bounce-skid-bounce-skid-bounce-shit. I finally came to a halt. I couldn't breathe. (Seriously, I sounded like a flooded engine trying to start.) The Nephew was obviously scared that I was having a near-death experience, because he high-tailed it to my side. Once I caught my breath, we started to laugh. (And I, of course, remembered my other great skating fall, when my sister Jenn was laughing too hard to help me up while I lay in a lump, crying because I had just skinned my entire left side. I think the next generation might be kinder and gentler, but I did eventually forgive Jenn.) I got up (finally) and we began to skate back to the car. There was no way I was going to make it; my everything hurt. So I took off the skates and walked, laughing at my own "grace" and wounded pride.

It hurts. It sorta looks like I took a cheese grater to my upper thighs (or lower butt, as I like to call it.) I wrenched the hell out of my back, but I will not be deterred. Up until impact, it was great fun.

And the truth is, I only got hurt because I was willing to get out there. Sometimes, you get hurt. When you're willing to take a risk, even if it seems a rather minor one, there's the chance you're gonna end up with a boo-boo. I will do it again, and I'll probably fall. I'm gonna be smart, and I'm gonna get some practice where it makes sense - like the driveway, maybe, or a skating rink. But there's no way that was my last time on skates. Because you may not be able to teach an old dog new tricks, but an old dog is perfectly capable of re-learning tricks she used to be quite good at.

Celebration Weekend, or why I love my college town

Having made the wise financial decision to skip Homecoming at EIU last fall, I made plans instead to make the trip down for my favorite on-campus shindig - Celebration, a Festival of the Arts. I always enjoyed it when I was a student, and it seemed like the perfect opportunity to head to Charleston, see friends and immerse myself in all I love about my little college town.

The drive down sucked. I chose a rainy, windy Friday night. Anyone who has ever driven 57 south knows it's no fun in the wind. It's less fun when it's dark and rainy and you're driving a kite. But no matter, I made it ... even though it took me five hours. (To be fair, I stopped to pee, fill the gas tank and get food.)

Taking exit 190B onto 16 to head in to Charleston always gives me a little rush of excitement. Yeah, I know it sounds stupid ... but I don't care. The flood of memories just can't be held back, as I anxiously await my first glimpse of "the castle" - Old Main, off in the distance. Lit up against the night sky, there it was, the iconic structure that welcomes you to EIU. Thank you, old friend. It's good to see you, too.

Turning toward downtown, I headed for "the square", and the home of Erin Potter and Chunk Rice, my hosts for the weekend. Their house is, in some ways, a typical college house, complete with uneven floors, doors that don't latch and drafty windows. But it's also the perfect little haven for studying or visiting. Erin has a little studio for just herself and painting. There's a guest room just for me at the top of the stairs. And they have furnished it in a way that's both casual and comfortable; it reminds me of my own place when I was a student.

Erin and Chunk ... aren't they cute?

So we settled in and the conversation flowed. Erin poured us each a glass of wine and we chatted about everything and nothing; a true college experience, I hadn't realized it when the clock turned 1 a.m., well past my bed time.

The next morning we stumbled, bleary-eyed, to the kitchen for coffee and a slow wake-up call. By 10 we were making our way to What's Cookin' for breakfast (plus strawberry bread to go.) I'm not sure if the food there was always that greasy and I just didn't care, or if it's gotten that way over the years, but let's just say I'm not in a big hurry to rush back there again. A little disappointing.

Not as disappointing, however, as realizing the Will Rogers Theater is closed. But ... that's where I saw "Babe 2: Pig in the City"! How could they close it down? From what Chunk said, AMC bought all the theaters in town, and that one wasn't paying its rent. G'bye, sweet old place. Oh, and AMC? You suck.

The Will ... and me, holding my loaf of Strawberry Bread.

Back home we headed; I was in desperate need of a shower. We hung out at home for awhile, watching hockey, reading and relaxing. There was a definite chill in the air, so we weren't in a big hurry to get to campus for carnival food. Eventually, the Redwings won and we were ready to head to the quad.

IT WAS COLD. Seriously. Our fingers were frozen, so we didn't linger any longer than it took to eat a funnel cake, barbecued chicken, crab Rangoon and a shish-ke-bob. Instead, we walked through the rehabbed Booth Library; wow, is it gorgeous! Then we made our way over to the Botany department's prairie plant sale, where I bought goodies for Dad and Jenn. Seemed like the right thing to do, seeing as it was April 16 - seven years after the day Mom died. She would have loved the plant sale. She probably would have bought them all.

The clock tower.

We made our way to the Doudna Fine Arts Center, an incredible work of art in its own right. Erin does most of her schoolwork here, and I was able to see several of her projects - complete, or in the process. Beautiful stuff; she's quite a talented young lady. So we hung out in that gorgeous building for a little while longer, and then headed back home to warm up before heading back to campus.

Dr. Patricia Poulter, Interim Associate Dean of the College of Arts and Humanities - and more importantly, my friend - was incredibly kind, securing tickets for Chunk, Erin and I with her group for the showcase concert of Celebration. The Sierra Leone Refugee All-Stars were nothing short of breathtaking. From their moving, percussive entrance through the final note of the last song, it was an evening I'll not soon forget.

In the middle of their second song, I thought to myself, "Are we really gonna sit here like polite white people while these incredible musicians have all the fun?" And then, it happened. The hippies decided it was time to dance. In a patchouli-scented crowd, they moved toward the stage, jumping, dancing ... joyful. It took only moments before Lumi, a friend of Patty and therefore a friend of mine, got up to dance. When Patty requested I go along, who was I to question it? I got up. I danced. And if you'll pardon me while I sound a little "out there," but ... there was a definite feeling of unity.

I looked around, and there were just people, dancing. Old, middle-aged, young, stoned, stone-cold sober, good dancer, good smiler, it didn't matter. We were all up there for just one reason: to experience the music. And it was certainly something to behold. I didn't dance through the entire show, however. Through most of it, I sat next to my friend (and Patty's husband) Brian, who is one of the funniest people I have ever met. Simply put, I love these people

Following the concert, "the kids" and I headed to Roc's for a pint. We chatted, I thoroughly enjoyed my Harp, and we wound down. My mini-vacation was almost over. My last night on the air mattress was a rough one, because the nip in the air seemed to get right into my bones. But I finally slept and was up early, enjoying a cup of coffee in the quiet of early morning.

The kids got up to say goodbye, and I headed out to church. Patty is the choir director at Wesley Methodist in Charleston; it was the perfect place to be on Palm Sunday. I got to meet her pastor, see her friend Harry again (he came to the Saturday concert with us, and is also the church organist) and meet her grandson and son-in-law. It is so clear how much Calvin loves his grandma Patty; I think he'd still be hugging her if he could've gotten away with it!

And then, it was time to say yet another goodbye. Patty and I agreed that I should come down for a visit this summer, when Brian is away on what seems to be the annual bike trip. I miss her spirit; she's awesome, and I'm looking forward to going back to see her and the dogs, and meet the cats.

Heading home, I decided to take the long way. See, when you take interstate 57, it's all about getting to your destination. But when you take 47, it's the journey that's important, and not finally getting to the end. I drove through Gibson City, where they've torn down the Rock-n-Roll McDonald's in favor of a fancier building. I looked in awe at the Cayuga Ridge South Wind Farm, just south of Dwight, as I passed acres and acres of huge wind turbines, their arms spinning in a natural-power ballet. And yes, I stopped in Dwight at the gas station where Dad once had to pick me up, after the struts on the old Ford Probe gave me the finger.

Wind farm ... so majestic.

Soon, I was pulling into Dad's driveway, having made the journey I'd made so many times before. There is something about going "home" after spending some time in college, even years after you graduated. It never gets old. We visited, and I took home a care package of homemade cookies and granola. We talked about Mom and Alex tried to make me feel guilty for not staying to dinner and there was laughter all around. It was the perfect way to end my trip, but the trip wasn't quite over yet

No, I still had an hour to drive until I got home, and then a few loads of laundry before I could truly relax. The chores were done by 7 and it was time to breathe slowly and get ready for a new week, leaving the weekend behind me. And yet, while it's back there, a part of the recent past, some things will stick with me.

Things like strawberry bread (which I think it's stuck to my hips) and African rhythms, laughter and coffee, hugs and eating crab Rangoon in the cold. It was one of those weekends that makes you realize that, sometimes, it is totally worth the effort it takes to completely shake up your routine.

Natural curiosity in the face of blind Elvis

Last weekend, I met my first blind dude.

I didn't know he was blind. He looked nothing like Ray Charles. I met him when I walked into Amber's house, and it took about a half hour for someone to tell me he's blind - and even then, only because I sorta stepped in it.

See, Amber is gorgeous, but she doesn't always realize that. So when she was explaining how she felt fat and ugly (which we women do all the time when men aren't listening,) I said, look, take it from us. We're the people with functioning eyes who actually have to look at you. And she says, well, not exactly.

Seriously, he looks nothing like Andrea Bocelli.

Naturally, I am fascinated. What can you see? Basically light and color. How do you get around? Why are your eyes so pretty? (They are the color of honey; I am not kidding.) Do you have a dog? I don't care what you think, but you are so not driving.

He's awesome. He didn't seem to mind the barrage of questions, and I just find him fascinating. And I love him even more because he seems to have brought out the best in Amber. She describes him as "perfect" without a single thought to his eyesight, or lack thereof. He went with us to karaoke. He sings a perfect Elvis. And realize what all that means; he doesn't get the benefit of the words, or even knowing what song he's going to be singing before the intro starts. He can't read the screen, he just sings. (He also walks perilously close to the edge of the stage, but he's figured this whole thing out so he's fine.)

My day in Lake Geneva was fantastic. I came away with an awesome haircut, ate a delicious bagel sandwich, got to have some quality Amber time, sang a little karaoke, and had my eyes opened by blind Elvis. It really doesn't get much better than that.

Because I don't want to shave my legs, or why I will likely remain single

I've been tossing this around in my brain for awhile, because it seems even at my advancing age, many people can't wrap their minds around the fact that I'm content single. Do I miss the companion ship of marriage? Yes. I miss Sunday mornings reading the paper. I miss having someone to help me carry the groceries inside. But for the most part, I am happier single than I ever was in my marriage. Have I given up? Well, not really. You have to want something before you can give it up! So here I offer you some of my very best reasons for remaining single. Enjoy!

• Seriously, I don't shave my legs. Well, very often, anyway. During the winter, when I'm clad in opaque tights almost every day, there seems to be no point. In the summer, especially if I'm going to be at the pool, I'll put in the effort, but more often than not, it's just not a priority. (To be fair, I'm not very hairy. I could go a few weeks before anyone - including myself - noticed.)


• I like having my time and my money to myself. When I'm in a relationship, I give up the reins on those two most important things. (Which likely explains why divorce left me bankrupt, but that's another story, never mind, anyway ... ) Now, my budget reflects my values, not those of someone else. Unless I were to meet someone whose values mirrored my own, or who had plenty of money and would never need to dip into my account ... it's just not practical.


• The food. Good GOD, I love food. And I hate considering the needs, wants and allergies of others when I'm doing the cooking. Cooking for one is a complete joy, with leftovers.


• I sleep in the middle of the bed. It took me awhile, but that's where I belong. Anyone who wants to share for more than a few hours had better bring a rollaway.


• I don't look pretty on the weekend. Unless I have somewhere to go, I can often be found sans makeup, with my hair in a messy ponytail, wearing flannel pants, a sweatshirt and Uggs. The perfect ensemble for cleaning the house, or laying on the sofa watching a Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon.


• I watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathons. And Firefly marathons. And NCIS marathons. And I can spend whole weekends watching The West Wing. My choice. My house. My remote.


• I drink milk and OJ out of the container, but I hate when other people do that.


• The cat takes precedence. If the cat is on my lap, I will wait for him to move before I do. He's little and furry; his needs come before mine, and they sure as hell come before anyone else's. I mean, unless you're on fire.


• I love my friends. I like spending time with them, and I like that time to be about me, and them ... not introducing someone new into the mix. Especially now, after so many friends from my Past Life are back in my life, I have no interest in making those introductions. Thank you, no.


• I'm selfish, and I'm fine with that.


• I travel with my dad. The ex got irritated when I would run off to Disney World with my family or my dad. Ya know what? Fuck you. I will never again apologize for the time I spend with the people who've known me the longest. They are awesome. Is it weird to be 44 years old and still go on family vacations. I don't know. But more importantly, I really don't care.

And that's where my brain is. I'm sure there are more reasons, but as it stands today, I am perfectly content. Because living alone is not the same as being alone.

Ten on Tuesday, March 22

1. Sonofabitch, I've hurt my Achilles. Time to pause training, and hope to be able to pick it up again before April 10, the Shamrock Shuffle. (And while I'm at it, please say a prayer to whomever you pray to that I can not only run it, but finish injury-free.)
2. I have an appointment to get my hair cut on April 2. I was thinking I'd go short for summer, and then today I am having a fabulous hair day. Ain't that always the way?
3. The St. Arbucks vanilla coffee - the kind you buy and brew at home - is really quite delicious.
4. Yoga can be a really tough workout. I participated in a class last Sunday that featured 108 sun salutations. In yoga, it's a way to usher in a new season. I loved the class, although I was dripping in sweat halfway through. And two days later, my everything still hurts. Turns out those little buggers work every muscle in the body. Ow.
5. I've come to the conclusion that my friends are the most incredible people ever. I am participating in the Walk MS 2011, to benefit the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. Until rather recently - over the past few years - MS wasn't a cause I was even aware of, because it didn't touch my life directly. Then, I met my friend Gretchen, who is one of the fiercest and funniest women at the gym. She has MS, and she is working so hard to kick its ass. It is an honor and a privilege to walk with her, and I am honored to walk with the generosity of so many friends behind me. In one day, you blew past my fundraising goal and more than doubled it. Yup. My friends rock.
6. On a similar note, one of the people who sponsored me was my eighth-grade English teacher, Mr. Powles. How cool is THAT?
7. If there's on thing I can't stand, it's ignorance. If there are two, the second one would be the lack of kindness. It costs nothing to be kind. Sometimes we're a little incapable, but most of the time, it helps to remember that we don't know everyone's story; being kind to someone could quite literally be the best thing that happens to that person all day. Why not?
8. Are budgets ever really finished? I feel like just when I get a handle on mine, something else comes up to mess with me. It's a living, breathing organism, I guess.
9. So I'm participating in this thing that started on Facebook, where the first five people who commented get something handmade by me. I finished the first and am working on the second, and last week I actually received one! My Janie crafted for me the most beautiful quilted bag. It's in different green fabrics. It makes me swoon.
10. I think I'm actually gonna lose the second toenail on each foot. Kinda makes me feel like a badass. (Also kinda think it's gross.)

This week's 10

1. Sometimes I think of the salad bar at Whole Foods as my personal chef.
2. I'm confused and befuddled. No one seems to be rushing to put on a telethon for Japan. I can't bear to watch the footage; the little bits I've seen are just devastating. I think it will be years before we understand the full effect of the earthquake, tsunami and eventual nuclear breakdown that happened over there, and yet the relief effort seems so much less than the outpouring for Haiti. Is it because Haiti is such a poor nation, or are we still upset over Pearl Harbor? Or is it something else that I just haven't thought of yet? I don't know, but it leaves me ... confused and befuddled.
3. I get a huge kick out of looking at clothing. I don't buy much, but I totally dig the realization that if I did, I could actually wear it.
4. Last night at the gym, a woman I don't know told me I look fantastic. Random encounters like that totally make my freakin' day.
5. For the first time in about five years, I listened to the Rent soundtrack. I love the music. I always respond to it emotionally, but since that guy I was married to broke my heart, it's been impossible to listen to. Some couples have a song; we had an entire musical, and Rent was it. But over the weekend, I got a hankering to hear it. I popped it into the car stereo and listened on my way to Long Grove, and it was as if it belonged just to me again. Sometimes the greatest joy comes from taking something back.
6. Speaking of Long Grove, I participated in a 5K race there over the weekend, and for the first time completed the run with an average of less than 15 minutes per mile. Yes, I am still one of the slower runners out there, but I'm only racing against myself. I have nothing to prove to anyone but me, and it's pretty amazing to feel the improvement over time.
7. People ask me from time to time what it is that I'm doing to lose the weight. Really, do they think I'm going to come up with some brilliant idea no one has heard before? I stopped eating everything that wasn't nailed down. I started exercising. When that stopped working, I ate a little less and I moved a little more. Lather, rinse, repeat. There is no magic pill, there is no miracle formula. Eat less; move more. Anyone who advises you any other path to health and wellness is trying to sell you something.
8. I'm pretty sure, however, that I was not meant to have that particular tightness across my shoulders. Lots of upper back work at the gym last night. Damn you, Pam!
9. There seems to be a whole lotta stupid going around. Can we vaccinate against that stuff?
10. Monster sweet tooth. That, and water retention, probably mean the scale and I are not gonna get along tomorrow. Sigh.

Ten on Tuesday, March 8

1. Gotta run! I have a race on Sunday in Long Grove - the St. Paddy's Day 5K. Unwisely, I signed up for this not realizing that the night before is when we spring ahead. Yeah, I'll probably sleep like a dog that night.
2. I realize we're not even halfway through March, but I am already excited for April. I get to hang with two of my faux Bros! The weekend of April 9 & 10, Mike will be here, doing some training stuff. That means he'll be with me for the Shamrock Shuffle, the 8K I'm running on April 10. Should be a hoot! Then the following weekend, I'll be taking the First Roadtrip of Spring to head down to Charleston for Celebration Weekend. Looking forward to seeing the town and campus, not to mention The Poulters ... and strawberry bread.
3. There is one week out of every month during which I could eat pretty much anything that isn't nailed down. That's right now. You've been warned.
4. A girlfriend asked me over the weekend if I was dating anyone. The simple answer is no, and I won't be looking. Quite honestly, I have put five years worth of work into the person I'm becoming, and I really have no interest in sharing it with Some Guy. Sometimes, being on your own can be a lot less lonely than being in a relationship.
5. Like an idiot, I went to the gym last night only to realize I forgot my shoes. So there I stood, wearing a sweater and underwear, with no way to work out. The skirt and boots went back on, and I scowled the whole way home. At least next week, if that happens, it will still be light enough out that I can run in the 'hood if I want to. Sheesh!
6. I really like toast. The way it smells makes me happy. (And the sound of it being done, when the toaster plays the Mickey Mouse March, doesn't hurt, either.)
7. Had my "annual review" with the doctor last Thursday. Test results are all in. Overall cholesterol: 145; less than 200 is good. HDL (the good cholesterol): 72 ; more than 46 is good. LDL (the bad cholesterol): 59; less than 130 is good. Triglicerides: 72; less than 150 is good. Blood glucose: 81; less than 100 is good. (Other "girly" tests came back normal, too, in case you were wondering.) The nurse who called wanted to know what I was doing, because - as she put it - "I'd like to have numbers like that." There's no secret; it's just taking care of yourself. Eat less. Move more. Live in balance.
8. Over the weekend, I had a little chat with my nephew, Alex. Whenever I visit, he seems to conjure up errands that must be run. He's in Driver Ed, and can drive my car for practice, and who wouldn't want to do that? Anyway, when he's driving, he's also a captive audience. So I take the opportunity to impart great wisdom. This week's nugget? "It's never too early, or too late, to start becoming who you are meant to be." I think it's true, no matter who you are
9. I am in desperate need of a new pair of jeans. Perhaps this weekend, I shall carve out a bit of time to shop!
10. It's Fat Tuesday. Red beans and rice for lunch, and avoiding paczki for breakfast. Brings back lots of memories of New Orleans. The best of times, fo sho.

New Orleans, March 18, 1997. Most of the time, we were happier than this.

Ten things I've learned

Perhaps you're tired of hearing about it already, but please bear with me. Running - and my quest for health in general - has taught me a lot in the short time I've been truly dedicated to it. I've learned a lot. Such as ...

1. I'm stronger than I think I am. There are things I can't do - like a pull-up - but most things, I can. I just need to try. I can do push-ups from my toes. (I can't get get my upper arms parallel to the floor while I do them, but I will. Fo sho.) I can run. (Intervals, but it counts.) I can take a few hours on a Tuesday night and torch 1,000 calories. I can hold Boat Pose in yoga. And one day, I'll be doing pull-ups. Guaranteed.
2. I found myself running. It sounds stupid, I know, to "find" oneself. I mean, I was never on the side of a milk carton, right? But I was lost for a long, long time. I had lots of friends and people who care about me, pointing me toward me, but it's hard, sometimes, having gone through the tough stuff to know who you are, where you fit in the world. But when you're out for a run, you are alone; yet, you're surrounded by people. Whether you're on a treadmill or on the road, there's a whole world reaching out to push you forward. You can have complete solitude as you compete with yourself to get you to your destination. It's kind of incredible. I found myself out there, this strong, independent woman who looks at a challenge and says, "Okay, let's go!"
3. It's difficult, but not impossible, to completely change your life. And grand, sweeping changes begin with one small step.
4. People make it worthwhile. I first entered my gym with a similar attitude with which I went off to college. Both times, my intent was to take a solitary journey, to accomplish a goal and be done with it. And both times, people have crossed my path of whom I have no intention of letting go. My life is more joyful not only because of my physical health, but because I am not alone on the journey.
5. Making others proud feels great. Making yourself proud is the shit.
6. You never know what you can do until you try. Scale a wall? Run a mile? Weigh less than I have in 13 years? Yeah, I can do that.
7. Setting goals is easy. Reaching them takes work. Every day. But after awhile, it really does become a habit. Most days these days, I reach effortlessly for my gym bag. It's expected; it's just what I do.
8. You can have the really good premium ice cream. You just have to measure out portions instead of eating out of the container. Like right now, there's a quart of Whole Foods' Salted Caramel Gelato in my freezer. For each half-cup serving, I log 160 calories. (No, I don't eat more than half a cup at at time.) I can do that a few times a week, and I feel indulgent and awesome. And it doesn't blow my calorie budget!
9. The rest really is as important as the work. I don't obsess. I work my plan, and it's all good. Part of my plan is rest - every Wednesday, I do yoga; nothing strenuous, no major calorie burn. Every Friday, I take a day off from working out. On Sundays, if I feel like it, I'll head outside for a run, but it's not required. The plan helps me strike a balance. And isn't that really what it's all about?
10. Small improvements feel incredible. The first time you're able to do something well - whether it's take a lunge deeper or do a perfect crunch or hold your plank - makes you realize that the work is paying off. It's not (only) about the way you look and feel; it's about the way the human body responds to the work. Your body will pay you back for every bit of effort you put into it.