Just One on Tuesday

I cried at work today.

Not the "oh my gosh I hate my job" sort of crying. No, the sort of crying that happens when your best friend who lives 2,000 miles away calls to tell you he is in Illinois. Not just in the state, mind you, but in the exact home you're driving to in a few days. And not just him; no, he's brought with him two of your favorite people in the universe - his wife (my friend Rae) and their daughter, Kaylee.

If I'd had the balls to wish for such an amazing surprise, I don't think I would've wished for it, because the disappointment would have been too great if my wish hadn't come true.

So yeah, he called me this morning and I was at my desk when I answered. He started handing the phone around so I could hear the other voices and I got really confused, wondering what they were all doing in Tucson. It really did a number on my wee little brain, lemme tell ya. And then it started to hit me ... they were all together. I in an old Victorian house in Jacksonville, IL, where so many of my best memories from college happened. It almost didn't sound like my voice when I said "You're here!" into the phone.

I think my boss called the paramedics.

They're here. So many of the people I love are in Central Illinois right now. I'm leaving early, abandoning my New Year's Eve plans so that I can hug them tomorrow. I simply cannot wait. Life is grand. How fortunate am I to begin 2009 surrounded by so much love?

Resolve

For the first time in my adult life, New Year's Eve is approaching and I am not making the traditional resolution. For years I've been promising myself I will get healthy, take better care of myself and basically lose the excess weight. For the first time, I won't be starting over in January. Instead, I'm continuing what I began in 2008.

Even when I consider that I had all year and I still have work to do, it's a pretty incredible feeling. I don't have to begin an exercise routine; I get to continue doing all the things I love, with people I love. I don't have to pour over books and magazines and Web sites to figure out what I should be eating; I get to keep doing what I'm doing with that whole "everything in moderation" thing, being mindful - not obsessive - about what I eat. In short, I get to continue being the healthy person I sorta morphed into over the course of 2008, and improve on her progress.

Pretty amazing, really.

But it leaves me without a resolution! Is it possible to resolve not to resolve? Or should I resolve to make the bed every morning (which I do almost every day, anyway) or to save money for a new car (which I desperately need but managing money has always been something that eludes me so it scares me) or to be a better sister/daughter/friend/writer/person/wookie?

I don't know the answer. I think the best news is that I don't really have to. Really, if I simply resolve to try and make the best of every gorgeous moment 2009 brings me ... isn't that enough?

Ten on Tuesday

1. It's almost Christmas Eve, my favorite day. It doesn't matter how old I get ... the anticipation just doesn't go away.
2. Ryan from my office had his wife bring their baby, Nolan, into the office yesterday. He's eight months old. I have determined that eight months is the perfect age for squishing. I just love this kid! He just smiles and gurgles at me. I wish he was here every day.
3. Speaking of babies, my friend Diane is going to have one any moment now. I can't wait to meet him.
4. It's snowing again. We can't have more than 24 hours without snow here, it seems. It's crazy, but I'm managing it okay. Just taking it easy, and trying to travel at off-peak times so I don't have to make another three-hour drive to go nine miles.
5. Patrick and Ed's house in Oak Park is perfection. Sure, it's old, a little bit run down, a little bit drafty. But somehow it feels like home. At least that's how it felt on Sunday when the Lake Geneva Rathundes plus Amber and me descended upon it. It was a wonderful day of being surrounded with love.
6. I'm gonna have more days like that! Tomorrow I will be with Patrick's family in Aurora, after which I will be with my actual blood family in Montgomery, through dinner on Christmas. Then the following weekend, I will be in Jacksonville with the Carlson/Rice family. It's like a two-week love fest, and I'm in the middle of it right now, soaking up the goodness!
7. I am the proud owner of a shiny new airline ticket. On February 6, I'm heading to Tucson to spend a weekend with Mike, Racheal and Kaylee. It's a short trip, as most of mine are, but it will be great to get out of the cold for a little while, and only miss a half day at work.
8. How did I procure said airline ticket, you ask? I had made a deal with myself that if I got a bonus this year at work, I would give that to myself with no guilt. And I'll be damned - today bonuses came through. I was hoping I would be able to afford both a plane ticket and a digital camera with this year's bonus, but they were smaller this year since our sales aren't as rockstar high as they've been in the past. So guess what? The ticket (before the service charges) amounted to about $2 less than my bonus. Isn't that amazing?
9. On the subject of my work, I can't say enough how grateful I am to be working for a company that seems stable and maybe even a little bit thriving in today's economy. I have learned so much in the last two years. I am a better writer, a better employee, a better person since I began working for an undisclosed company. After the rocky road I took to get here, I do not take it for granted. I realize with every day that I am indeed fortunate to not only have a job, but a job I love.
10. My Christmas wish this year is pretty simple. I wish that all those I love would be healthy, happy and surrounded with love; that they would all treasure fulfilling work and joyous relationships; that the coming year brings them more smiles than tears; and that Santa would bring me Kenny Chesney.

10 ... I mean 11 ... on Wednesday

1. Update at 12:12 p.m: Mike is out of surgery. Doctor says the trouble was indeed the gall bladder. It's out now. And there was much rejoicing.
2. Oh shut up, it's been one of those weeks. So I'm a day late. Life goes on.
3. I live nine miles from the office. It took me a little more than three hours to get home last night due to the most evil snowstorm ever. Yeah, you're doing the math, aren't you? An average of three miles an hour. After awhile, I had to roll down the windows to avoid claustrophobia. I didn't make it to the gym (duh) but got home at about the time I would have if I'd gone to the gym on a normal (read: not snowy) day. Precious, ain't it?
4. One of my friends thinks those of us who live in Northern Illinois shouldn't complain about the snow or the cold. Is it wrong to step on his neck?
5. My brother is in surgery right now; they are removing his gall bladder. I was talking to my sister Jenn earlier this week and we concluded that, while they're in there, they ought to take out any other non-essential organs that might cause problems down the line. Hello, appendix? But alas, the surgeons did not agree. I'm a little worried about him going through all of this. It scares me to think of him, so childlike and trusting, enduring so much pain. Say a prayer, if you would. I'm saying mine.
6. Thinking about all that Mike is going through has made me realize how much he inspires me. Isn't it crazy how a man who is so much like a child - who has never written a word or spoken an entire "normal" conversation, taken a step or taken a photograph - can be an inspiration? This week, I have heard what it sounds like when my brother is hurting. In 42 years, I have never heard him complain. Well, not really. There have been occasional bouts of frustration, but they pass, usually as quickly as the Cubs pennant hopes. My brother is the most joyful person I know. And isn't that a lesson we should all take to heart?
7. My apartment looks like a cyclone hit it. I have just been too busy to keep up with it. I trust that anyone who visits is there to see me, not to admire my talents as housekeeper.
8. On Monday, John and I went to Hip-Hop and Salsa/Funk class. For a few weeks, we'd taken the lazy way out and only did one class, but on Monday, we were back. We were talking to some friends about why we hadn't been in Salsa for awhile, and we determined we'd both just been lazy. At which point we looked at each other and I said "But ya know what?" and together we said, "We're not lazy any more." Wow. Quite a statement. And man, did it feel good to get out and dance for two hours! Look at what the human body will do if you'll just take it out every now and then!
9. Last Sunday, I went to a movie with Cute Brian. We saw "Eagle Eye" at the cheap theater in the next town. Really, for $2, I'll see movies I don't really want to see. Anyway, the movie was good (I love that damn Shia LaBeouf, no matter what Rice says) and the company was even better. Brian and I can turn a two-hour movie into an entire afternoon with very little trouble. From the theater we went to Trader Joe's, where we walked around and tasted food and bought cookies (the peppermint Joe-Joes are to die for!) and wine and talked to the coffee girl. This elf of a person was an absolute delight! She hugged me and told me she loved my personality, and that she hoped I'd come in again soon. It was just what I needed to hear. Isn't it funny how sometimes you get just what you need in the most unlikely manner?
10. I filled out my self-evaluation last week, because my two-year anniversary (and my performance appraisal) are coming up in January. I hate filling out these things! I'm afraid I will either come off like an egotistical diva or a mutant mouse. I hope I found some middle ground.
11. One week from today is Christmas Eve, my favorite day of the entire year. I'm planning to have lunch with Diane (if she doesn't louse up our plans by giving birth,) dinner with Patrick and his family (they're Italian; bring on the Feast of Seven Fishes!) and then church with my family. Ever since I was a young girl, I have thought there was magic to Christmas Eve. It was the one night of the year when I felt beautiful. Maybe it was the music, maybe it was the candlelight, or maybe it was just joy shining through. No matter what, it's still my favorite day, filled with traditions and surprises and love.

Genetic complications

I'm a complicated person.

I know, big surprise, right? Yeah, newsflash, people - I'm complicated.

Over the last few weeks, I've been dealing with my fair share of bitterness and anger over the events of three years ago. At the time, I was too blind to see that my then-husband had already checked out. I'd just lost my job, and he took money out of our account to purchase gift cards for an "old friend from high school" so this old friend could buy her children Christmas gifts. He chose that same year to be too sick on Christmas morning to join my family for our traditional breakfast and instead stayed home. Perhaps alone, perhaps not, I'll never know. But the point is, I had already lost him. It just took me three or four months to figure it out.

The complications that serve as a cornerstone of my life are probably part of what caused him to seek comfort elsewhere. To put it bluntly, he simply could not handle the thought of being inextricably linked to me and mine until death did us part. He always wanted to move away, to make a life for ourselves in Florida, Georgia, anyplace warm. But every time I seriously considered it, I thought to myself ... what if I got the phone call telling me my brother was sick, and I couldn't catch a plane right away? I couldn't go. I just can't bring myself to be more than a day's drive away from my family, because some day, that call's gonna come.

In fact, it came last Friday. Kathie called at around 10 a.m. to say that Dad and Jenn were taking Mike to the hospital. After hours of poking the poor guy, they finally ascertained it was likely related to the gall bladder, and they were able to give him something to get him out of pain.

He was released from the hospital today, but returned tonight with more of the same symptoms. I hope to all heaven that they are able to either remove the offending organ or assure of somehow that he can be cured.

My heart hurts for my twin, unable to explain his pain, unable to understand that the doctors and all those around him are trying to help; for my dad, who certainly misses my mother all over again when their son is in pain, knowing that even though they couldn't make him feel better, they could support each other through it; and for my sisters, who live nearby and would give anything - are giving everything they have - to help Dad, to distract Michael from what hurts, to keep us all in the loop.

And no, I haven't rushed to Mike's side; I've stayed in Arlington Heights, never far from the phone, pretty much in touch 24/7 if need be. As Jenn put it, "It's not like your his favorite or anything," and it's true. Just knowing that I could be there within about an hour gives me great comfort.

But while it gives me comfort, it also makes me want to lash out at the childish SOB I married, who put his own needs above mine time and again, who could never wrap his feeble mind around my need to stick close to home, who took up with Judi the Ho (should I call her the Ho Ho Ho during the holidays?) when my future stopped looking rosy.

I'm complicated, folks, and I won't deny it. I like my shoes Italian, my coffee with cream and Splenda, and my people sincere. I like my vacations long, my feet warm, and my family - however I choose to define them - close. I only wish Christopher had figured out that he couldn't handle that for the long haul before I'd given him my heart, because I'll be damned if I can figure out how to heal it.

But until that happens, and even if it never does, at least a great number of the people I love are nearby.

In a funk

Yeah, that's me. I'm in a funk. Maybe it's the snow, the barometric pressure, the fact that winter's here and stretches on ad infinitum ... I dunno what it is, but it's got me in its grasp and it's shaking me up.

NEVER SHAKE A MAGGIE!

So I'm trying to counteract it. I'm going to the gym even when I'd sincerely rather not. I'm trying to get a decent amount of sleep even though lately insomnia has been cuddling up to me a little too closely. I'm buying good, fresh, real food and preparing it myself (you should've seen last night's pork chop) and spending time doing what I love.

In short, I'm doing whatever I can to bring on the funkectomy. But until it's gone, bear with me.

Ten on Tuesday

1. Welcome to Illinois, where we can't seem to choose a Governor. Corruption makes me sad. What is it about power that brings out the best in some and the worst in others?
2. I had a most wonderful weekend, filled with friends and love. My tree is up, I shared boozy cocoa with good friends, took time to sit by the fire, dealt with the snow, baked and fed my knitting bug. As Cute Brian, Diane and I got the tree all decorated - thanks to Brian's willing trips to the store to replace lights - I had some mixed emotions. There are so many memories on my tree, from the angel at the top to the skirt below. In a way, it represents who I am. In another way, it represents the ingenuity it takes to determine that a Christmas tree skirt that was put away while covered in cat hair comes clean quite easily when you toss it in the dryer with a damp towel and a sheet of Bounce.
3. I haven't gotten any new ornaments in a long time. I think I'm at a point now where I can pick up a few. Over the last couple of years, I haven't been Happy Maggie, and any ornaments I bought would be associated with sad memories. This year, I will be remembering good times. I think I need an ornament to commemorate that. I probably should have picked one up at Dutch Village!
4. As the weather gets colder, my motivation to get to the gym is waning. But not because I'm comfortable to hide under layers of sweaters and stuff until summer ... no, it's mostly because I don't want to drive any more than absolutely necessary. I went last night, even though freezing rain was in the forecast. I just keep remembering ... even sweaters look better on a thinner, healthier frame.
5. I love to bake. However, I shouldn't eat everything I bake. So I've discovered a secret: Invite people over when I bake. I sent home cookies with Diane (whose husband ate them) and Cute Brian (who probably ate his portion before he made it home) and kept just a few for myself. Feeds the need to bake without adding more dimples to my booty!
6. I'm making a list ... a grocery list, that is. I am notorious for not knowing what I'm buying until I'm at the store, which means I often end up with frozen pizza, hot cocoa mix and brown sugar, and not much else. So I'm going to see if this whole listy thing will help me stay within my budget and also keep me fed. It's so crazy it just might work!
7. I now have three knitting projects going at once. And that's not counting the one I had barely started last time I was at Becky's and left there on accident. I have to work out a schedule so that I know what I have to finish first, based on when I'm celebrating with whom. Some people will just be receiving a yarn sample, because their gift will just not be done in time. Good thing I have understanding friends!
8. Last week was a great week at work. I've been here almost two years now, and it has been an incredible learning experience. Over the last week or so, I've written pieces that I'm particularly proud of, and they have been very well received. I feel fortunate that almost every day I go to work with talented, kind people who love what they do and appreciate each other.
9. I talked to my dad on the phone this morning. As we were hanging up, he said to me, "You be good." To my dad, I'm still seven years old. I wouldn't have it any other way.
10. Benld sleeps under the Christmas tree. I will take a picture next time ... it's the sweetest thing. It also explains how the skirt gets covered in cat hair.

Ten on Tuesday

1. Thanksgiving was delicious. Especially my sister Pat's pumpkin pie ... it is truly food of the gods.
2. My cat quit pooping again. I have to take him to the vet in an hour. When will he learn that he won't get the enema if he will just stay hydrated and poop like a normal cat?
3. A friend let me down late last week. It's no one who reads the blog (in fact, the individual in question may not be into English polysyllables at all) and I hesitate to air dirty laundry, so I'll just leave it at this - I was disappointed. But the reason I bring it up here is this because so many people have been in my life for so long, and have yet to disappoint me. I am humbled by the generosity of heart that my true friends show without question, every day.
4. I'm not shopping. Unless it's to walk through Woodfield and be part of the crazy throngs of people, I am content to snuggle up at home with some cocoa and schnapps and knit my way through the Christmas season. Although now that I think of it, I do need to pick up some more yarn.
5. I beat my friend Eric at Scrabble. He has pretty much handed me my ass on a platter during every other game we've played. I feel vindicated.
6. Another old friend and I found each other on Facebook. Technology is an amazing thing! It has reunited me with theater folks, newsroom colleagues, people I've missed and people who have long seemed forgotten only to tug on my heart strings when they reappear on the page. I'm so thankful Al Gore invented the Internets.
7. My landlord raised my rent. Not by much, and I'm really okay with it, because it is in line with what comparable properties rent for in my area. If only he could assure me that I would have heat when it's cold and hot water when I want it. We'll see how that conversation goes.
8. I love the Christmas decorations in my neighborhood. There's a house down the road with a leg lamp in the window. No tree, nothing else Christmas-y, just a leg lamp. It cracks me up every time I drive by. The same house puts one up in October, too. Same lamp, but the leg is skeletal. Genius, I tell ya.
9. I bought ingredients to make cookies last week, and I still haven't made them. Maybe tonight?
10. I am eligible for an upgrade on my phone, and I would dearly love to go the iPhone route. Instead, I am saving my money for an airplane ticket to Tucson. Looking at the first weekend in February ... I can't go any longer than that without seeing three of my favorite people in the universe. And scorpions.

Jammies

So I went to Target. Because if Target doesn't have it, you don't need it. That's the basic rule of my life.

Anyway, they have great pajamas by Nick & Norah. Adult size jammies, with feet in them.

I picked out this pair for Mike.

I know the picture's crappy, but they have a whole sock-monkey motif. So adorable! Too bad they're in the Ladies department.