Weekend Wuv

Oh, shut up. I thought it was cute!

Welcome back to the "real world". Here we, staring down the barrel of another Monday. But at least we had the weekend to totally take a break from the 9 to 5 insanity! And what a weekend it was.

Started off active, which is a great way to kick Weekend Mode into high gear. Friday night was my friend Rebekah's birthday party, and because she's completely bananas, she arranged for a private Zumba lesson for all her friends at the Vernon Hills branch of my gym. (It should be noted that the Vernon club is much more posh than mine; it's a few levels up on the membership scale. They scoff when people from Schaumburg show up, but we were on the guest list, so they let us in, anyway.)

We danced. We tried to have fun. But I was simply reminded of why I absolutely hate Zumba. But that's another story for another time.

It was great to see Rebekah, and I would do it again if that's what she wanted for her celebration. Workout friend Linda and I got to catch up a little bit with workout friend Lisa, and we were also treated to amazing food from this place. Oh holy crap; it was worth it to Zumba, just to get to this food!

All too soon, Linda and I had to go. Saturday morning would bring an early alarm, because we had to Run Wild!

Here's our group - my sister Jenn, my sister Pat, me, my friend Pam and my friend Linda. We're ready to run! (Photo by a stray fellow runner.)
It was a little chilly, in my opinion, but we had a great time. I simply love these women. I am truly touched when my family and friends meet and the combination works out well. There was a lot of love! Should you have the burning desire to read my full race report, I'll have to refer you to my health and wellness blog, found here. I'm sure you'll be riveted.

So anyhoo, it was cold but fun. I wish it had been warmer, because we could have stayed the whole day in the zoo, but with the wind and our sweat, that just wasn't gonna be wise. Time to go home.

"Home" for me was Dad's house, where I mooched food, helped Alex with homework and took a bath. Dad has a great tub. Then it was off to church; Alex was playing drums in the band, and he's wanted me to come hear him, so this seemed to be a good way to work it in. He did very well, in spite of the fact that I wasn't terribly wild about the songs. Sister Pat made up for that by bringing me a frappuchino.

After church we had burgers at Dad's, which was perfect because I've been craving burgers on the grill. Seeing as I don't have a grill, I'm pretty much beholden to others to fulfill my cravings. It was delicious! I headed home at around 6:30, and had a few hours to do laundry and relax before going to bed.

Sunday started with coffee in bed and "The West Wing" on dvd; super relaxing compared to the previous morning! By 11:30, though, I was on my way to Elkhorn, WI to see my friends Jeremiah, Tim and Aimee in "Anything Goes". The beautiful Amber and I both thought it was a thoroughly enjoyable production! I really like the show, and Tim did an amazing Job. Jeremiah is just adorable, and Aimee made a great addition to the chorus. All in all, a perfect way to spend a cloudy Sunday afternoon.

After the show, Jeremiah, Amber and I went to Moy's for Chinese food. It's amazing to me to see Jeremiah navigate the world. If you read this post, you'll recall that Jeremiah is blind. And yet he's the first one to cross the street, because he can tell by the sounds of traffic if it's safe. See? Fascinating. Anyway, we had a delightful dinner, even though Amber forgot to offer Jeremiah any rice.

All in all, I couldn't have asked for a better weekend. I was busy, but I had some time to relax. I spent time with some of my favorite people, and it helped Monday morning seem a lot less daunting. Sometimes, you just need to be reminded that work isn't the only thing you do.

Simple Truths

Here, for your considerations ... some stuff I know for sure is true.

• Sometimes, having a DQ Blizzard for lunch is the wisest choice you can make.


• I have many, many facets, and when one of them doesn't shine, I'm still a gem.


• Never try to retrieve your keys from hot lava, because once they're gone, they're gone.


• A good workout comes in many forms, and you should try all of them.


• After a good workout, going down a twisty water slide is the ultimate reward.


• It's not about the run, or the time. It's about finishing, vertical, and having fun along the way.


• Conversely, if it's not your day and you can't finish, it's about being wise enough to call and end to it and go to the nearest St. Arbucks.


• There are relatives, and there is family. Some of them intertwine, but you don't have to be related to be family.


• I sleep much better when it's cool outside.


• Birthday parties are wasted on children. As we age, every year is a gift. I'm totally playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey this year.


• The new album from Roger Clyne & the Peacemakers, Unida Cantina, is freaky awesome. It reminds me a lot of the old Refreshments stuff ... yummy.


• If you can't decide what to drink, you should probably just have water.


• The most delicious food is best melted, like chocolate and cheese. Oh, fondue ... I love you.


• Stretch. You'll never regret it.


• And you really do need to wear sunscreen.

Planning, fear, and rushing headlong into the unknown

I have big dreams. If you have big dreams, you have to have big plans so you can have a big reality. Otherwise, your big dreams are just ... dreams.

So I have these big dreams - athletic pursuits, financial stability, good health. And I am working my plans. And sometimes the unthinkable happens and you realize that, no matter how solid your plan, you could be injured, have a financial emergency, or come face to face with a chocolate doughnut to which you cannot say "no".

This is the unknown territory. This is where things get a little scary. And this is where I am right now.

The Achilles has improved a great deal. Last week the doctor cleared me to run a little. As he put it, "Ease slowly back into your running routine." Okay. I can do that.

I took my first tentative steps on Saturday, wimpy intervals on the treadmill. I opted for treadmill because I figured if it hurt, at least I wouldn't be on a trail and have to limp back to the car. I kicked it up to a killer 1 percent incline (I know, I'm so daring!) and off I went - four minutes walking, one minute running. And it felt pretty good. But it also kinda hurt. I got through my half-hour workout (actually it was 34 minutes because I did a four-minute cooldown at the end) and I wasn't in pain.

But I wasn't 100 percent pain-free, either. This, my friends, is the unknown.

I don't know what's going to happen from here. I do know that I have races scheduled and I am determined to participate in them, even if I have to walk. Am I scared? Um, yeah. I want to be this athletic version of myself, and I don't know if I can do that if the injury doesn't heal 100 percent. But at this point, all I can do is dive in, do what I can and see what happens.

I should've filled my drawers with Peeps

My goal this Easter was to do something active. Sunday is not a normal workout day for me, but it's also not a normal food day for most people. It's one of those "if it ain't nailed down, eat it" sort of days. So I thought, if I can balance the massive amounts of deliciousness with a little activity, there would be a little less guilt in having two slices of pie.

Could YOU choose between Key Lime and Apple? I thought not.

So I packed my little bag with workout gear, my inline skates and my protective gear - knee pads and wrist guards. I was going rollerblading with The Nephew.

It should be noted here that I was once a rather accomplished inline skater. Sure, I fell a lot, but when you're willing to try stuff, ya gotta be willing to fall. Most of the time, though, I was able to stay upright. My sister Jenn and I could be found most weekends on the Fox River Trail, wending our way Northward with a breeze in our hair (and the occasional bug up our noses.) So I wasn't prepared for how difficult it was going to be after a few (okay, 13) years to put on the skates and hit the trail once again.

I should have tried smooth pavement. (Hell, I should have tried a padded room!) I should have gotten practice in a newly-blacktopped parking lot or somethin' like that, but instead ... we hit the trail.

The bumpy, hilly trail.

I made it up the first hill. I began to doubt my ability to skate. I made it down that hill (with many prayers of intercession.) I made it around that bitchin' curve and I made it up the second hill. I began to doubt my sanity. Then, I had a brilliant idea: The Nephew and I should abandon this trail (it really, really is bumpy) and go to another park, where there's a 1.5 mile loop that (if memory serves) is paved in such a way that it doesn't feel like gravel beneath your feet. So we turned around.

And that hill I'd just come up? I had to go down it.

I made it almost all the way to the bottom before all hell broke loose. My feet seemed to leave my body and my backside met the pavement. Skid-bounce-skid-bounce-skid-bounce-shit. I finally came to a halt. I couldn't breathe. (Seriously, I sounded like a flooded engine trying to start.) The Nephew was obviously scared that I was having a near-death experience, because he high-tailed it to my side. Once I caught my breath, we started to laugh. (And I, of course, remembered my other great skating fall, when my sister Jenn was laughing too hard to help me up while I lay in a lump, crying because I had just skinned my entire left side. I think the next generation might be kinder and gentler, but I did eventually forgive Jenn.) I got up (finally) and we began to skate back to the car. There was no way I was going to make it; my everything hurt. So I took off the skates and walked, laughing at my own "grace" and wounded pride.

It hurts. It sorta looks like I took a cheese grater to my upper thighs (or lower butt, as I like to call it.) I wrenched the hell out of my back, but I will not be deterred. Up until impact, it was great fun.

And the truth is, I only got hurt because I was willing to get out there. Sometimes, you get hurt. When you're willing to take a risk, even if it seems a rather minor one, there's the chance you're gonna end up with a boo-boo. I will do it again, and I'll probably fall. I'm gonna be smart, and I'm gonna get some practice where it makes sense - like the driveway, maybe, or a skating rink. But there's no way that was my last time on skates. Because you may not be able to teach an old dog new tricks, but an old dog is perfectly capable of re-learning tricks she used to be quite good at.

Celebration Weekend, or why I love my college town

Having made the wise financial decision to skip Homecoming at EIU last fall, I made plans instead to make the trip down for my favorite on-campus shindig - Celebration, a Festival of the Arts. I always enjoyed it when I was a student, and it seemed like the perfect opportunity to head to Charleston, see friends and immerse myself in all I love about my little college town.

The drive down sucked. I chose a rainy, windy Friday night. Anyone who has ever driven 57 south knows it's no fun in the wind. It's less fun when it's dark and rainy and you're driving a kite. But no matter, I made it ... even though it took me five hours. (To be fair, I stopped to pee, fill the gas tank and get food.)

Taking exit 190B onto 16 to head in to Charleston always gives me a little rush of excitement. Yeah, I know it sounds stupid ... but I don't care. The flood of memories just can't be held back, as I anxiously await my first glimpse of "the castle" - Old Main, off in the distance. Lit up against the night sky, there it was, the iconic structure that welcomes you to EIU. Thank you, old friend. It's good to see you, too.

Turning toward downtown, I headed for "the square", and the home of Erin Potter and Chunk Rice, my hosts for the weekend. Their house is, in some ways, a typical college house, complete with uneven floors, doors that don't latch and drafty windows. But it's also the perfect little haven for studying or visiting. Erin has a little studio for just herself and painting. There's a guest room just for me at the top of the stairs. And they have furnished it in a way that's both casual and comfortable; it reminds me of my own place when I was a student.

Erin and Chunk ... aren't they cute?

So we settled in and the conversation flowed. Erin poured us each a glass of wine and we chatted about everything and nothing; a true college experience, I hadn't realized it when the clock turned 1 a.m., well past my bed time.

The next morning we stumbled, bleary-eyed, to the kitchen for coffee and a slow wake-up call. By 10 we were making our way to What's Cookin' for breakfast (plus strawberry bread to go.) I'm not sure if the food there was always that greasy and I just didn't care, or if it's gotten that way over the years, but let's just say I'm not in a big hurry to rush back there again. A little disappointing.

Not as disappointing, however, as realizing the Will Rogers Theater is closed. But ... that's where I saw "Babe 2: Pig in the City"! How could they close it down? From what Chunk said, AMC bought all the theaters in town, and that one wasn't paying its rent. G'bye, sweet old place. Oh, and AMC? You suck.

The Will ... and me, holding my loaf of Strawberry Bread.

Back home we headed; I was in desperate need of a shower. We hung out at home for awhile, watching hockey, reading and relaxing. There was a definite chill in the air, so we weren't in a big hurry to get to campus for carnival food. Eventually, the Redwings won and we were ready to head to the quad.

IT WAS COLD. Seriously. Our fingers were frozen, so we didn't linger any longer than it took to eat a funnel cake, barbecued chicken, crab Rangoon and a shish-ke-bob. Instead, we walked through the rehabbed Booth Library; wow, is it gorgeous! Then we made our way over to the Botany department's prairie plant sale, where I bought goodies for Dad and Jenn. Seemed like the right thing to do, seeing as it was April 16 - seven years after the day Mom died. She would have loved the plant sale. She probably would have bought them all.

The clock tower.

We made our way to the Doudna Fine Arts Center, an incredible work of art in its own right. Erin does most of her schoolwork here, and I was able to see several of her projects - complete, or in the process. Beautiful stuff; she's quite a talented young lady. So we hung out in that gorgeous building for a little while longer, and then headed back home to warm up before heading back to campus.

Dr. Patricia Poulter, Interim Associate Dean of the College of Arts and Humanities - and more importantly, my friend - was incredibly kind, securing tickets for Chunk, Erin and I with her group for the showcase concert of Celebration. The Sierra Leone Refugee All-Stars were nothing short of breathtaking. From their moving, percussive entrance through the final note of the last song, it was an evening I'll not soon forget.

In the middle of their second song, I thought to myself, "Are we really gonna sit here like polite white people while these incredible musicians have all the fun?" And then, it happened. The hippies decided it was time to dance. In a patchouli-scented crowd, they moved toward the stage, jumping, dancing ... joyful. It took only moments before Lumi, a friend of Patty and therefore a friend of mine, got up to dance. When Patty requested I go along, who was I to question it? I got up. I danced. And if you'll pardon me while I sound a little "out there," but ... there was a definite feeling of unity.

I looked around, and there were just people, dancing. Old, middle-aged, young, stoned, stone-cold sober, good dancer, good smiler, it didn't matter. We were all up there for just one reason: to experience the music. And it was certainly something to behold. I didn't dance through the entire show, however. Through most of it, I sat next to my friend (and Patty's husband) Brian, who is one of the funniest people I have ever met. Simply put, I love these people

Following the concert, "the kids" and I headed to Roc's for a pint. We chatted, I thoroughly enjoyed my Harp, and we wound down. My mini-vacation was almost over. My last night on the air mattress was a rough one, because the nip in the air seemed to get right into my bones. But I finally slept and was up early, enjoying a cup of coffee in the quiet of early morning.

The kids got up to say goodbye, and I headed out to church. Patty is the choir director at Wesley Methodist in Charleston; it was the perfect place to be on Palm Sunday. I got to meet her pastor, see her friend Harry again (he came to the Saturday concert with us, and is also the church organist) and meet her grandson and son-in-law. It is so clear how much Calvin loves his grandma Patty; I think he'd still be hugging her if he could've gotten away with it!

And then, it was time to say yet another goodbye. Patty and I agreed that I should come down for a visit this summer, when Brian is away on what seems to be the annual bike trip. I miss her spirit; she's awesome, and I'm looking forward to going back to see her and the dogs, and meet the cats.

Heading home, I decided to take the long way. See, when you take interstate 57, it's all about getting to your destination. But when you take 47, it's the journey that's important, and not finally getting to the end. I drove through Gibson City, where they've torn down the Rock-n-Roll McDonald's in favor of a fancier building. I looked in awe at the Cayuga Ridge South Wind Farm, just south of Dwight, as I passed acres and acres of huge wind turbines, their arms spinning in a natural-power ballet. And yes, I stopped in Dwight at the gas station where Dad once had to pick me up, after the struts on the old Ford Probe gave me the finger.

Wind farm ... so majestic.

Soon, I was pulling into Dad's driveway, having made the journey I'd made so many times before. There is something about going "home" after spending some time in college, even years after you graduated. It never gets old. We visited, and I took home a care package of homemade cookies and granola. We talked about Mom and Alex tried to make me feel guilty for not staying to dinner and there was laughter all around. It was the perfect way to end my trip, but the trip wasn't quite over yet

No, I still had an hour to drive until I got home, and then a few loads of laundry before I could truly relax. The chores were done by 7 and it was time to breathe slowly and get ready for a new week, leaving the weekend behind me. And yet, while it's back there, a part of the recent past, some things will stick with me.

Things like strawberry bread (which I think it's stuck to my hips) and African rhythms, laughter and coffee, hugs and eating crab Rangoon in the cold. It was one of those weekends that makes you realize that, sometimes, it is totally worth the effort it takes to completely shake up your routine.

Natural curiosity in the face of blind Elvis

Last weekend, I met my first blind dude.

I didn't know he was blind. He looked nothing like Ray Charles. I met him when I walked into Amber's house, and it took about a half hour for someone to tell me he's blind - and even then, only because I sorta stepped in it.

See, Amber is gorgeous, but she doesn't always realize that. So when she was explaining how she felt fat and ugly (which we women do all the time when men aren't listening,) I said, look, take it from us. We're the people with functioning eyes who actually have to look at you. And she says, well, not exactly.

Seriously, he looks nothing like Andrea Bocelli.

Naturally, I am fascinated. What can you see? Basically light and color. How do you get around? Why are your eyes so pretty? (They are the color of honey; I am not kidding.) Do you have a dog? I don't care what you think, but you are so not driving.

He's awesome. He didn't seem to mind the barrage of questions, and I just find him fascinating. And I love him even more because he seems to have brought out the best in Amber. She describes him as "perfect" without a single thought to his eyesight, or lack thereof. He went with us to karaoke. He sings a perfect Elvis. And realize what all that means; he doesn't get the benefit of the words, or even knowing what song he's going to be singing before the intro starts. He can't read the screen, he just sings. (He also walks perilously close to the edge of the stage, but he's figured this whole thing out so he's fine.)

My day in Lake Geneva was fantastic. I came away with an awesome haircut, ate a delicious bagel sandwich, got to have some quality Amber time, sang a little karaoke, and had my eyes opened by blind Elvis. It really doesn't get much better than that.

Because I don't want to shave my legs, or why I will likely remain single

I've been tossing this around in my brain for awhile, because it seems even at my advancing age, many people can't wrap their minds around the fact that I'm content single. Do I miss the companion ship of marriage? Yes. I miss Sunday mornings reading the paper. I miss having someone to help me carry the groceries inside. But for the most part, I am happier single than I ever was in my marriage. Have I given up? Well, not really. You have to want something before you can give it up! So here I offer you some of my very best reasons for remaining single. Enjoy!

• Seriously, I don't shave my legs. Well, very often, anyway. During the winter, when I'm clad in opaque tights almost every day, there seems to be no point. In the summer, especially if I'm going to be at the pool, I'll put in the effort, but more often than not, it's just not a priority. (To be fair, I'm not very hairy. I could go a few weeks before anyone - including myself - noticed.)


• I like having my time and my money to myself. When I'm in a relationship, I give up the reins on those two most important things. (Which likely explains why divorce left me bankrupt, but that's another story, never mind, anyway ... ) Now, my budget reflects my values, not those of someone else. Unless I were to meet someone whose values mirrored my own, or who had plenty of money and would never need to dip into my account ... it's just not practical.


• The food. Good GOD, I love food. And I hate considering the needs, wants and allergies of others when I'm doing the cooking. Cooking for one is a complete joy, with leftovers.


• I sleep in the middle of the bed. It took me awhile, but that's where I belong. Anyone who wants to share for more than a few hours had better bring a rollaway.


• I don't look pretty on the weekend. Unless I have somewhere to go, I can often be found sans makeup, with my hair in a messy ponytail, wearing flannel pants, a sweatshirt and Uggs. The perfect ensemble for cleaning the house, or laying on the sofa watching a Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon.


• I watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathons. And Firefly marathons. And NCIS marathons. And I can spend whole weekends watching The West Wing. My choice. My house. My remote.


• I drink milk and OJ out of the container, but I hate when other people do that.


• The cat takes precedence. If the cat is on my lap, I will wait for him to move before I do. He's little and furry; his needs come before mine, and they sure as hell come before anyone else's. I mean, unless you're on fire.


• I love my friends. I like spending time with them, and I like that time to be about me, and them ... not introducing someone new into the mix. Especially now, after so many friends from my Past Life are back in my life, I have no interest in making those introductions. Thank you, no.


• I'm selfish, and I'm fine with that.


• I travel with my dad. The ex got irritated when I would run off to Disney World with my family or my dad. Ya know what? Fuck you. I will never again apologize for the time I spend with the people who've known me the longest. They are awesome. Is it weird to be 44 years old and still go on family vacations. I don't know. But more importantly, I really don't care.

And that's where my brain is. I'm sure there are more reasons, but as it stands today, I am perfectly content. Because living alone is not the same as being alone.

Ten on Tuesday, March 22

1. Sonofabitch, I've hurt my Achilles. Time to pause training, and hope to be able to pick it up again before April 10, the Shamrock Shuffle. (And while I'm at it, please say a prayer to whomever you pray to that I can not only run it, but finish injury-free.)
2. I have an appointment to get my hair cut on April 2. I was thinking I'd go short for summer, and then today I am having a fabulous hair day. Ain't that always the way?
3. The St. Arbucks vanilla coffee - the kind you buy and brew at home - is really quite delicious.
4. Yoga can be a really tough workout. I participated in a class last Sunday that featured 108 sun salutations. In yoga, it's a way to usher in a new season. I loved the class, although I was dripping in sweat halfway through. And two days later, my everything still hurts. Turns out those little buggers work every muscle in the body. Ow.
5. I've come to the conclusion that my friends are the most incredible people ever. I am participating in the Walk MS 2011, to benefit the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. Until rather recently - over the past few years - MS wasn't a cause I was even aware of, because it didn't touch my life directly. Then, I met my friend Gretchen, who is one of the fiercest and funniest women at the gym. She has MS, and she is working so hard to kick its ass. It is an honor and a privilege to walk with her, and I am honored to walk with the generosity of so many friends behind me. In one day, you blew past my fundraising goal and more than doubled it. Yup. My friends rock.
6. On a similar note, one of the people who sponsored me was my eighth-grade English teacher, Mr. Powles. How cool is THAT?
7. If there's on thing I can't stand, it's ignorance. If there are two, the second one would be the lack of kindness. It costs nothing to be kind. Sometimes we're a little incapable, but most of the time, it helps to remember that we don't know everyone's story; being kind to someone could quite literally be the best thing that happens to that person all day. Why not?
8. Are budgets ever really finished? I feel like just when I get a handle on mine, something else comes up to mess with me. It's a living, breathing organism, I guess.
9. So I'm participating in this thing that started on Facebook, where the first five people who commented get something handmade by me. I finished the first and am working on the second, and last week I actually received one! My Janie crafted for me the most beautiful quilted bag. It's in different green fabrics. It makes me swoon.
10. I think I'm actually gonna lose the second toenail on each foot. Kinda makes me feel like a badass. (Also kinda think it's gross.)

This week's 10

1. Sometimes I think of the salad bar at Whole Foods as my personal chef.
2. I'm confused and befuddled. No one seems to be rushing to put on a telethon for Japan. I can't bear to watch the footage; the little bits I've seen are just devastating. I think it will be years before we understand the full effect of the earthquake, tsunami and eventual nuclear breakdown that happened over there, and yet the relief effort seems so much less than the outpouring for Haiti. Is it because Haiti is such a poor nation, or are we still upset over Pearl Harbor? Or is it something else that I just haven't thought of yet? I don't know, but it leaves me ... confused and befuddled.
3. I get a huge kick out of looking at clothing. I don't buy much, but I totally dig the realization that if I did, I could actually wear it.
4. Last night at the gym, a woman I don't know told me I look fantastic. Random encounters like that totally make my freakin' day.
5. For the first time in about five years, I listened to the Rent soundtrack. I love the music. I always respond to it emotionally, but since that guy I was married to broke my heart, it's been impossible to listen to. Some couples have a song; we had an entire musical, and Rent was it. But over the weekend, I got a hankering to hear it. I popped it into the car stereo and listened on my way to Long Grove, and it was as if it belonged just to me again. Sometimes the greatest joy comes from taking something back.
6. Speaking of Long Grove, I participated in a 5K race there over the weekend, and for the first time completed the run with an average of less than 15 minutes per mile. Yes, I am still one of the slower runners out there, but I'm only racing against myself. I have nothing to prove to anyone but me, and it's pretty amazing to feel the improvement over time.
7. People ask me from time to time what it is that I'm doing to lose the weight. Really, do they think I'm going to come up with some brilliant idea no one has heard before? I stopped eating everything that wasn't nailed down. I started exercising. When that stopped working, I ate a little less and I moved a little more. Lather, rinse, repeat. There is no magic pill, there is no miracle formula. Eat less; move more. Anyone who advises you any other path to health and wellness is trying to sell you something.
8. I'm pretty sure, however, that I was not meant to have that particular tightness across my shoulders. Lots of upper back work at the gym last night. Damn you, Pam!
9. There seems to be a whole lotta stupid going around. Can we vaccinate against that stuff?
10. Monster sweet tooth. That, and water retention, probably mean the scale and I are not gonna get along tomorrow. Sigh.

Ten on Tuesday, March 8

1. Gotta run! I have a race on Sunday in Long Grove - the St. Paddy's Day 5K. Unwisely, I signed up for this not realizing that the night before is when we spring ahead. Yeah, I'll probably sleep like a dog that night.
2. I realize we're not even halfway through March, but I am already excited for April. I get to hang with two of my faux Bros! The weekend of April 9 & 10, Mike will be here, doing some training stuff. That means he'll be with me for the Shamrock Shuffle, the 8K I'm running on April 10. Should be a hoot! Then the following weekend, I'll be taking the First Roadtrip of Spring to head down to Charleston for Celebration Weekend. Looking forward to seeing the town and campus, not to mention The Poulters ... and strawberry bread.
3. There is one week out of every month during which I could eat pretty much anything that isn't nailed down. That's right now. You've been warned.
4. A girlfriend asked me over the weekend if I was dating anyone. The simple answer is no, and I won't be looking. Quite honestly, I have put five years worth of work into the person I'm becoming, and I really have no interest in sharing it with Some Guy. Sometimes, being on your own can be a lot less lonely than being in a relationship.
5. Like an idiot, I went to the gym last night only to realize I forgot my shoes. So there I stood, wearing a sweater and underwear, with no way to work out. The skirt and boots went back on, and I scowled the whole way home. At least next week, if that happens, it will still be light enough out that I can run in the 'hood if I want to. Sheesh!
6. I really like toast. The way it smells makes me happy. (And the sound of it being done, when the toaster plays the Mickey Mouse March, doesn't hurt, either.)
7. Had my "annual review" with the doctor last Thursday. Test results are all in. Overall cholesterol: 145; less than 200 is good. HDL (the good cholesterol): 72 ; more than 46 is good. LDL (the bad cholesterol): 59; less than 130 is good. Triglicerides: 72; less than 150 is good. Blood glucose: 81; less than 100 is good. (Other "girly" tests came back normal, too, in case you were wondering.) The nurse who called wanted to know what I was doing, because - as she put it - "I'd like to have numbers like that." There's no secret; it's just taking care of yourself. Eat less. Move more. Live in balance.
8. Over the weekend, I had a little chat with my nephew, Alex. Whenever I visit, he seems to conjure up errands that must be run. He's in Driver Ed, and can drive my car for practice, and who wouldn't want to do that? Anyway, when he's driving, he's also a captive audience. So I take the opportunity to impart great wisdom. This week's nugget? "It's never too early, or too late, to start becoming who you are meant to be." I think it's true, no matter who you are
9. I am in desperate need of a new pair of jeans. Perhaps this weekend, I shall carve out a bit of time to shop!
10. It's Fat Tuesday. Red beans and rice for lunch, and avoiding paczki for breakfast. Brings back lots of memories of New Orleans. The best of times, fo sho.

New Orleans, March 18, 1997. Most of the time, we were happier than this.

Ten things I've learned

Perhaps you're tired of hearing about it already, but please bear with me. Running - and my quest for health in general - has taught me a lot in the short time I've been truly dedicated to it. I've learned a lot. Such as ...

1. I'm stronger than I think I am. There are things I can't do - like a pull-up - but most things, I can. I just need to try. I can do push-ups from my toes. (I can't get get my upper arms parallel to the floor while I do them, but I will. Fo sho.) I can run. (Intervals, but it counts.) I can take a few hours on a Tuesday night and torch 1,000 calories. I can hold Boat Pose in yoga. And one day, I'll be doing pull-ups. Guaranteed.
2. I found myself running. It sounds stupid, I know, to "find" oneself. I mean, I was never on the side of a milk carton, right? But I was lost for a long, long time. I had lots of friends and people who care about me, pointing me toward me, but it's hard, sometimes, having gone through the tough stuff to know who you are, where you fit in the world. But when you're out for a run, you are alone; yet, you're surrounded by people. Whether you're on a treadmill or on the road, there's a whole world reaching out to push you forward. You can have complete solitude as you compete with yourself to get you to your destination. It's kind of incredible. I found myself out there, this strong, independent woman who looks at a challenge and says, "Okay, let's go!"
3. It's difficult, but not impossible, to completely change your life. And grand, sweeping changes begin with one small step.
4. People make it worthwhile. I first entered my gym with a similar attitude with which I went off to college. Both times, my intent was to take a solitary journey, to accomplish a goal and be done with it. And both times, people have crossed my path of whom I have no intention of letting go. My life is more joyful not only because of my physical health, but because I am not alone on the journey.
5. Making others proud feels great. Making yourself proud is the shit.
6. You never know what you can do until you try. Scale a wall? Run a mile? Weigh less than I have in 13 years? Yeah, I can do that.
7. Setting goals is easy. Reaching them takes work. Every day. But after awhile, it really does become a habit. Most days these days, I reach effortlessly for my gym bag. It's expected; it's just what I do.
8. You can have the really good premium ice cream. You just have to measure out portions instead of eating out of the container. Like right now, there's a quart of Whole Foods' Salted Caramel Gelato in my freezer. For each half-cup serving, I log 160 calories. (No, I don't eat more than half a cup at at time.) I can do that a few times a week, and I feel indulgent and awesome. And it doesn't blow my calorie budget!
9. The rest really is as important as the work. I don't obsess. I work my plan, and it's all good. Part of my plan is rest - every Wednesday, I do yoga; nothing strenuous, no major calorie burn. Every Friday, I take a day off from working out. On Sundays, if I feel like it, I'll head outside for a run, but it's not required. The plan helps me strike a balance. And isn't that really what it's all about?
10. Small improvements feel incredible. The first time you're able to do something well - whether it's take a lunge deeper or do a perfect crunch or hold your plank - makes you realize that the work is paying off. It's not (only) about the way you look and feel; it's about the way the human body responds to the work. Your body will pay you back for every bit of effort you put into it.

Ten things that inspire me

Yeah, the usual "10 on Tuesday" thing isn't working for me lately. Ergo, I'm changing it up a bit. I've been writing a lot at work about motivation and inspiration, and it occurred to me that I'm good telling others how to get it, but I don't spend a lot of time considering how I get "fed" in this way. So, I've decided to give it some thought. And then, give credit where credit is due.

1. People who are good at what they do. Whether it's a musician who makes the guitar seemingly sing on its own, or a chef who prepares my tuna melt just so, or an athlete who is "on" his or her game ... I'm generally honored to witness it.
2. Taking chances. I have friends who are pursuing their personal quests, fulfilling their dreams and following up on commitments, and it makes me so proud to learn of their accomplishments.
3. Getting back up. Sometimes, ya fall down. Sometimes, it hurts. Every time, the strongest among us get back up.
4. Breakfast. I'm at my most creative first thing in the morning, so a really good breakfast finds me jazzed and happy. The perfect cuppa joe, something carbolicious, and a yummy protein and all is well with my world.
5. Babies. I swear to God, I think they are born with all knowledge. The fact that, from babyhood, anything is possible ... it just amazes me. Those cuddly little creeps are awesome. (And I mean "creep" in the nice way.)
6. Road trips! When the weather turns warmer (and I really think it will), my thoughts turn to loading up the car, cranking up the tunes, rolling down the windows and heading down the road. Even if it's just for a day, the change of scenery refreshes my brain. It's like hitting the re-set button.
7. Ben Folds. Seriously, have you listened to him play? Oy.
8. My workout buddies. Many of them are in great shape. Most of them are in far better shape than I. Seeing what's possible, if you continue to take care of yourself, makes me look forward to what the future holds for my health and fitness.
9. Kindness. Last night at the gym, I was joking with a woman about our workout schedules and whatnot, and about how - after working out steadily for a couple of years - I still can barely keep a straight face when I refer to myself as an athlete. She, in all seriousness, said to me, "You are so much more of an athlete than many of the people here. Athleticism is in the effort as much as it's in the result." In that case, I'm an athlete. And her kindness and generosity of spirit helped me push myself through a very difficult two-hour workout!
10. Going barefoot. My floors at home are almost always dirty, but that doesn't matter, because it's winter. But soon - soon! - I will need to step up the cleaning, because when it's warm, this girl does not wear shoes, or socks. My loose happy toes make me feel grounded and happy. I'm ready to lose the shoes!

In sickness and in health

So I feel crappy. I have dodged every illness that has plagued the universe all season long, and just when we get good weather (the forecast says we might hit 60 today) ... BAM. I catch it.

I'm rolling with it okay. Plenty of fluids, getting my rest, taking my vitamins. What more can I do? Not much feelin' like getting a workout in, although I have kicked it the last three nights. Monday was a glorious outdoor run; Tuesday, two classes (weights plus cardio) at the gym; and last night, hot yoga. Felt great to stretch and sweat. Tonight is supposed to be a run, but with the amount of energy I don't seem to have today, it's not lookin' good.

The surprising thing is, if I'm not up to running, I will miss it. I will miss doing something I avoided doing for years. Running, I've discovered, is my outlet. It's how I've found my way. It's solitary runs in nature, group jaunts to nowhere on a treadmill at the gym. It's training for the next race, hoping I won't come in last. And it's race day, when running becomes the single most enjoyable activity one can do all by oneself, in a large group of people.

Running is independence. It's something many say they cannot do, when most of them could ... they simply choose not to. (One sure exception? My brother.) It's the thing that makes me feel like a mess when I'm out there, and like a superhero when I'm done.

When I started running, I began to discover myself again. I ran back to Maggie.

It sounds crazy, and maybe a little new-agey. I knowthat, but it's okay. See, it's given me goals. Complete a 5K; complete an 8K; complete a 10K; try a half-marathon. Just try. See if you can do it. It's given me challenges, and with that, the opportunity to succeed.

I still run three minutes and walk two minutes, consistently, on every run. Can I still call myself a runner? Yes. I am a runner. I am focused on this body, these legs that carry me for miles each trip. I step outside, pick up my feet, and I fly - slowly and low to the ground - across the pavement. Even on days when I don't feel up to my scheduled run, I can still call myself a runner.

I am unbreakable.

I am unstoppable.

I am a runner.

Musings on a snow day

I swear, I didn't think I'd ever get another snow day. I mean, I'm a grown up, mostly. Do we get snow days?

Evidently, yes. It's a marshmallow world.

I have to say, snow removal in my area has been incredible. Plows come by with startling regularity. If I needed to go somewhere, I could ... if I could get out of my parking lot, which has not yet been plowed. Anyway, it's pretty incredible. I'm planning to go out for a little walk later. You know, when the snow stops falling horizontally.

But here's the thing: much as it's a little creepy to see the universe shut down as it has, it's kinda nice. I will be holed up in my little home, knitting and watching movies (as long as I have power). It's a little forced r&r. I'll take it.

And of course it also gives me time to think and ponder, and thoughts begin to wander into not-so-ancient history. I'm hunkered down, and I'm alone ... but not. Let me 'splain.

No, let me sum up.

See, there was a time when I was firmly entrenched in coupledom. Married with two cats sort of defined my life, and for some reason, it made my world small. Now, in my "alone-ness" ... I am less alone than ever. I know that if I needed something, someone would walk to find me. Someone would get on a train to make sure I'm okay. Because my world is huge now. My life is full of friends and family, relationships I've nurtured which in turn enrich my life immeasurably.

Why? Well, I think it's because these days, I'm not putting all my energy into one relationship. I'm caring for myself, and letting that care trickle into many relationships with countless people who matter.

When you're isolated in a snowstorm, that is a great feeling.

Ten, Wednesday, January 26

1. Life comes equipped with twists and turns. This keeps things interesting. For example, two years ago, I received what I felt was the worst evaluation of my career. Having been down several crappy career paths, I chose to see this as an opportunity. While I didn't agree with what was said, I did have to accept that this was my boss' perception. I could either work to change that, or find a different job. I stayed, did the work, and yesterday - two years later - I received probably the best review of my career. Words and phrases such as "masterful", "passion for excellence", and "cheerleader" were used. I'm still smiling.
2. I think the "cheerleader" reference is the most meaningful, because it was used to describe how I support my co-workers. See, there's been a lot of pressure over the last few months. It's been extremely rough, and some of y colleagues have given well beyond what is generally expected. And I was described as being their cheerleader - the person that pulls for ever member of the team, and gives accolades to my peers, because they're awesome. With these people, that's easy to do.
3. And oh, before I forget, I got a promotion. I am now a Senior Writer. That felt good.
4. Sometimes, even in these perfect moments, when everything seems pointed in the right direction, those evil thoughts creep in. "But ... are you missing something?" Being sans-partner, sometimes my mind asks me if I'm not getting the fullness of life, because I'm doing it on my own. Well, first of all, I'm not ... not really. I'm in it with a myriad of amazing people, and that is nothing like alone. Secondly, I think I'm one of those people who, when there's too much distraction, fractures the important. My career at Nalco took a downward spiral post-relationship; I'm not sure my career can handle a relationship. But finally - and this is the big one - I don't feel remotely incomplete. I am more whole today than I have ever been when I was dating someone. It would take an absolute prince to make it worthwhile to try.
   
5. I will be going to Tucson at least once this year. I miss the desert. It makes me happy. But wait ... it's not just the desert. It's the people! I will spend time amongst the cacti with Mike, Rae and Kaylee. There will be much fun, and delicious food. There is always delicious food.
6. This year I will be doing two different fundraising walks - one for MS, and one for the American Cancer Society. If I ask you to donate, feel free to just high-five me in support. No pressure, but a little somethin' is always appreciated, too.
7. The Friday before Valentine's Day, uber-great instructor Donna is teaching a 90-minute salsa/funk class at the poshest gym ever, and I'm going. If only just to use their showers afterward.
   
8. Take a bed of field greens, some chicken breast marinated in Buffalo sauce, then grilled and sliced, plus some chopped celery and grated carrot. Top it all with a little blue cheese and some ranch dressing ... divine. Buffalo Chicken Salad. You're welcome.
9. I'm out of Christmas candy. This makes me cranky.
10. You know around the small of your back, where lattisimus dorsi hang out along the spine, and the body sorta dips in? No? Okay, go find someone you love; I'll wait. Back? Good. Now, put your arm around your loved one's waist, resting your hand along the small of his or her back. Feel the little dip? Yeah. For a long time, mine felt like mashed potatoes. Now, it feels like mashed potatoes and muscle. Progress!
    

We May Never Pass This Way Again

A few weeks ago, my friend Kathleen invited me to dinner in downtown Downers Grove. We had a lovely meal, sitting and chatting, and I felt a little bit like I was home.

I love this little town almost as much as my own little town, and much of that is because of one woman who first introduced me to it - the inimitable Ellen DeLordo.

I met Ellen when I worked at Nalco Chemical Company, back in the 90s and early 2000s. She made workdays fly by. She made life better just by being in it. She made amazing chicken salad. So, as I sat at the Lemon Tree Grocery a few weeks back, savoring a delicious glass of wine and chatting with Kathleen, I thought, "I should call Ellen, and see if she can join us." But I didn't want to intrude on my Kathleen time, and I figured I'd just call next time I was in town.

As it turns out, Ellen would not have been able to join us, because she was in the final phase of her life here on earth. And earlier this week, we lost her.

She's one of those people who has crossed my mind a lot over the years. She was a pillar of strength during the early stages of my divorce. She was a source of great humor and the best mentor a girl could ask for.

She was My Ellen, and I love her.

We'd lost touch, but always intended to get back together, for mint juleps or a glass of wine or one of her husband Randy's amazing Southern Comfort Old Fashioneds. Not that we were big boozers, mind you; it was usually one drink, curled up on the sofa, and then non-stop laughter for hours on end. The comfort of their home was like a warm blanket to me, and it had nothing to do with the house. It was all Ellen.

If there is a lesson in all of this, it's that sometimes, you can't afford to put off plans. We are all just an illness or bus away from leaving this life; we don't always get a second chance. I will have to learn to live with my regret for not having stayed in this amazing woman's orbit. It's a mistake I would not like to make twice.

Ten on Tuesday, January 18

1. Today is Bex and Matt's anniversary. Happy anniversary, you crazy kids!
2. A group that refers to themselves as "constitutional conservatives and tea party members" began to follow me on Twitter. Seriously. I cracked up, then blocked them.
3. My workouts are seriously difficult, especially on Tuesday nights. I'm a little quivvery right now, and sort of really a lot in need of a hot tub.
4. Coming home tonight, I was greeted to a minefield of cat puke. Special.
5. I've been asked several times lately what inspired me to start running, so I figured I'd just go on record right here with the idea behind it. Because I can. It really is as simple as that. Well, plus a little measure of I didn't think I could. Proving myself wrong? Awesomesauce.
6. I am out of chocolate and there is no ice cream in this house. Tragic!
7. My friend Eric is in New Orleans on a work trip. Have I told you lately how much I love that town?
8. Donna, my Tuesday night instructor of all things good, choreographed a dance to "Raise Your Glass" by P!nk, on my suggestion. It was amazing to dance to it. Even better, because "Since You Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson was also in tonight's mix. Perfect for this particular night. Happy birthday, Jackass.
   
9. My Godson and his family just got back from Walt Disney World. They shared photos on Facebook throughout the trip, and it was so much fun to watch. The only thing that would have been better is if I'd been along with them.
10. I love my life. It's a good one. I'm glad you're part of it.
    

The date and me

I looked at my calendar just now. I had this nagging feeling that there was something significant about tomorrow's date. January 18 ... what is that? Stuart's birthday? No, that's Jan. 28 - exactly six months before my sister Jenn's birthday. What is it about January 18 that I'm supposed to remember.

And then it hit me.

January 18 is Becky Rice's wedding anniversary. Becky and Matt got married on my then-husband's birthday. Yep. That's it; tomorrow my ex turns another year older. Strangely, I don't even know what his age will be. (Well, we can do the math on that one; he was born in 1969, so he's 42.)

How did I get here? How is it that, in five year's time, so much can be forgotten, left in the past where it belongs?

Buckle in. There's a story here.

See, five years ago tomorrow (the actual birthday) was my last day believing the marriage could work. He let it be that way; there were presents involved. Mind you, I was unemployed at the time, but I pulled out all the stops. We went to dinner at our favorite restaurant. I showered him with gifts. (Literally everything that was on his Christmas list that he didn't get then, he received for his birthday.) We had what I thought was a perfect evening. It felt magical. Even though I knew things were not settled, that night, everything felt so right, I believed we would survive.

On January 19, 2006, he told me it was over. Classy, huh?

I fought it. I wept over it. I tried to find a job so I could fix what was broken (as if the budget was the only problem.) I wracked my brain trying to figure out where I'd gone wrong and how I could once again be someone he could love.

I lived in sadness, 24/7, until I was ready to stop doing that.

Time passed. I worked a part-time job. I worked two part-time jobs. I searched tirelessly for a full-time job I could love. I found friends, I rekindled old friendships, I tried to figure out who I was, without him. All of that took time, energy and antidepressants. None of it was easy.

Now, I could regale you with tales of his cruelty, and I could tell how about his wild life wooing the woman he swore was just his friend (which clearly explains why they're married now.) But this is my story, and they aren't part of it, so I'm not going to go there. Besides, if you read old posts long enough, that story is probably here in the blog history, so why beat that dead horse?

So I hunkered down to do the work, and four years ago began the job I currently hold. Starting this job was what I call Turning Point #1. On most days, it is exactly where I want to be. And on days when it's not, they still pay me, so it's a pretty good deal. I'm a writer. That's all I ever wanted to be. It took me 13 months to find a full-time job, but here I am, and I'm loving it. Still.

I continued cultivating friendships, singing karaoke, spending time with people who were good for me (and occasionally not.) My days were pretty much filled with work, friends, food and home. Not a lot of activity, just sort of surviving. And then, as I was about to turn 41, it occurred to me that if I didn't make some changes, I was going to have a pretty short life. And when it was time to pat dirt in my face, I was going to be a fat corpse; nobody wants that! So I joined a gym. This was Turning Point #2.

My first day heading in to Life Time Fitness in Schaumburg, I was terrified. Everyone walking in was thin and fit. I was going to be the only fatty in the entire building! (So not true, but that's how it looked.) But I went in anyway. I was determined not to care. Unless I was willing to always be the fatty, I needed what they had inside those doors.

I walked in. I worked out. I thought I was going to die. I finished, and I left. This was to be my routine. Then, one day as I was walking in, I held the door open for the woman behind me, who turned out to be my ex-husband's cousin. What are the chances? She and I began working out together, and with her encouragement, I tried my first Group Fitness class. (Turning Point #3.) We took Aqua Fitness (water aerobics; perfect for the fat girl!) and had a great time. We got pruney, and then we sat in the hot tub, where I met a man named John and a woman named Linda. After a few classes, they became friends. It's been years since the cousin has been at the gym, but she ushered in a whole new era for me. I will always be grateful.

John and Linda encouraged me to try different classes. Soon, I found myself in Hip-Hop, Salsa Funk and strength training classes. The weight slowly began to melt off. My life slowly began to blossom. Without my knowing, I was creating a life. We'd talk after class, we'd attend classes at other clubs together, and we'd inspire each other to reach for more.

Years past. Friendships solidified. I changed.

It was August of 2010 when I completed my first race. (Turning Point #4.) It happened pretty much as a joke, but I did it, and I was hooked. I signed up for more. I completed more. I have many more coming. I am a runner.

Seriously.

I'm not a good runner, but I'm a runner. And sometimes, I pause and I think about the past five years and I wonder, "who is this woman?" She is joyous. She is incredibly strong. She is funny, she is full of life, and she tries a little harder every day to amaze herself.

Happily Ever After is not just something reserved for happy royal couples. I know. I'm living mine. So, happy birthday, Christopher. Thank you for your part in making me whole ... even if all you had to do was leave.

They say it "passeth understanding" for a reason

I still can't comprehend it.

Shootings in Tucson - home of people I consider family. Shootings that stole six lives, and left a Congresswoman miraculously fighting for her life.

And the only thing going through my mind is "mindless". Such a mindless act! It is beyond my comprehension how someone with infinite choices would choose this sort of violence.

Is peace such a difficult choice? Does it really, as the song says, "passeth understanding"?

I don't know the answer. I struggle with it a lot these days. I'm grateful on one hand that my Tucson peeps didn't choose Saturday morning to grocery shop. Yet, on the other, I know families are grieving for those who were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, to be taken down by a madman with a gun.

And that's an important distinction: They were taken down by a madman, not by the gun.

You know I'm a liberal. It's not a four-letter word! You know I generally vote democrat and that I lean to the left in almost all instances. But I understand guns. I celebrate the fact that my friend Ryan occasionally brings home a deer from the hunt, and shares incredible steaks and roasts with me. I understand guns as sport. I do not understand guns pointed at innocent people for little or no reason.

Crazy knows no party lines, and Saturday's gunman was clearly crazy.

But instead of all the finger pointing we're seeing right now in the wake of such tragedy, I would ask for peace. Choose the path that leads us away from more violence. Choose to love. Choose the beauty of honoring humanity.

It's a choice. Make it, every day.

Ten on Tuesday - It's a New Year!

1. I'm a simple girl with simple needs. I like it that way.
2. I spent New Year's Day with my friend Linda and her family. I love them! We had a blast; so much so, that when I looked at the clock and it said 11:30, I was shocked. Time flies whether you're having fun or not, but when you're having a lot of fun, if flies a lot faster.
3. Back on the food log bandwagon this morning. Good LORD, was there ever a lot of food in my life over the past few weeks! Jeezooey, am I ready to get back into my normal routine.
4. I'm at the Country House until Friday, and I suppose I should admit that I'm ready to come home. I will miss the massive bathtub and the wondrous kitchen, but other than that, I am beyond ready to get back to my digs. I was there last night for a little while, dropping off some stuff I won't need this week, and it just felt ... good. Right. Home.
5. Vacation was wonderful. I didn't accomplish much, but it was nice letting myself be off for awhile, to enjoy the house, curl up with the cat, and take a break from reality. I returned to work (almost) refreshed, ready for a new year.
6. My spin instructor is not teaching on Saturdays any more. What does that mean to me? It means I run on Saturdays now. I won't like it as much, but it will give me the training I need to accomplish my goals.
7. Which include running an 8k on April 10 (I'm already registered for the Shamrock Shuffle; I'll be joining Justin and Diane, and a cast of thousands!) and a half-marathon in early 2012. Lots of training to be done; can I do it? (Yes. Yes, I can.)
8. I didn't sleep very well last night. Can you tell by the ADD-style of this post?
9. I love brie in pastry. It is simply one of my very favorite foods.
10. There's something oddly satisfying about a clean calendar. Soon, it'll be full of notes and appointments and to-do's, but for the moment, it's just a blank slate. That's just plain cool.