Because I don't want to shave my legs, or why I will likely remain single

I've been tossing this around in my brain for awhile, because it seems even at my advancing age, many people can't wrap their minds around the fact that I'm content single. Do I miss the companion ship of marriage? Yes. I miss Sunday mornings reading the paper. I miss having someone to help me carry the groceries inside. But for the most part, I am happier single than I ever was in my marriage. Have I given up? Well, not really. You have to want something before you can give it up! So here I offer you some of my very best reasons for remaining single. Enjoy!

• Seriously, I don't shave my legs. Well, very often, anyway. During the winter, when I'm clad in opaque tights almost every day, there seems to be no point. In the summer, especially if I'm going to be at the pool, I'll put in the effort, but more often than not, it's just not a priority. (To be fair, I'm not very hairy. I could go a few weeks before anyone - including myself - noticed.)


• I like having my time and my money to myself. When I'm in a relationship, I give up the reins on those two most important things. (Which likely explains why divorce left me bankrupt, but that's another story, never mind, anyway ... ) Now, my budget reflects my values, not those of someone else. Unless I were to meet someone whose values mirrored my own, or who had plenty of money and would never need to dip into my account ... it's just not practical.


• The food. Good GOD, I love food. And I hate considering the needs, wants and allergies of others when I'm doing the cooking. Cooking for one is a complete joy, with leftovers.


• I sleep in the middle of the bed. It took me awhile, but that's where I belong. Anyone who wants to share for more than a few hours had better bring a rollaway.


• I don't look pretty on the weekend. Unless I have somewhere to go, I can often be found sans makeup, with my hair in a messy ponytail, wearing flannel pants, a sweatshirt and Uggs. The perfect ensemble for cleaning the house, or laying on the sofa watching a Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon.


• I watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathons. And Firefly marathons. And NCIS marathons. And I can spend whole weekends watching The West Wing. My choice. My house. My remote.


• I drink milk and OJ out of the container, but I hate when other people do that.


• The cat takes precedence. If the cat is on my lap, I will wait for him to move before I do. He's little and furry; his needs come before mine, and they sure as hell come before anyone else's. I mean, unless you're on fire.


• I love my friends. I like spending time with them, and I like that time to be about me, and them ... not introducing someone new into the mix. Especially now, after so many friends from my Past Life are back in my life, I have no interest in making those introductions. Thank you, no.


• I'm selfish, and I'm fine with that.


• I travel with my dad. The ex got irritated when I would run off to Disney World with my family or my dad. Ya know what? Fuck you. I will never again apologize for the time I spend with the people who've known me the longest. They are awesome. Is it weird to be 44 years old and still go on family vacations. I don't know. But more importantly, I really don't care.

And that's where my brain is. I'm sure there are more reasons, but as it stands today, I am perfectly content. Because living alone is not the same as being alone.

Ten on Tuesday, March 22

1. Sonofabitch, I've hurt my Achilles. Time to pause training, and hope to be able to pick it up again before April 10, the Shamrock Shuffle. (And while I'm at it, please say a prayer to whomever you pray to that I can not only run it, but finish injury-free.)
2. I have an appointment to get my hair cut on April 2. I was thinking I'd go short for summer, and then today I am having a fabulous hair day. Ain't that always the way?
3. The St. Arbucks vanilla coffee - the kind you buy and brew at home - is really quite delicious.
4. Yoga can be a really tough workout. I participated in a class last Sunday that featured 108 sun salutations. In yoga, it's a way to usher in a new season. I loved the class, although I was dripping in sweat halfway through. And two days later, my everything still hurts. Turns out those little buggers work every muscle in the body. Ow.
5. I've come to the conclusion that my friends are the most incredible people ever. I am participating in the Walk MS 2011, to benefit the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. Until rather recently - over the past few years - MS wasn't a cause I was even aware of, because it didn't touch my life directly. Then, I met my friend Gretchen, who is one of the fiercest and funniest women at the gym. She has MS, and she is working so hard to kick its ass. It is an honor and a privilege to walk with her, and I am honored to walk with the generosity of so many friends behind me. In one day, you blew past my fundraising goal and more than doubled it. Yup. My friends rock.
6. On a similar note, one of the people who sponsored me was my eighth-grade English teacher, Mr. Powles. How cool is THAT?
7. If there's on thing I can't stand, it's ignorance. If there are two, the second one would be the lack of kindness. It costs nothing to be kind. Sometimes we're a little incapable, but most of the time, it helps to remember that we don't know everyone's story; being kind to someone could quite literally be the best thing that happens to that person all day. Why not?
8. Are budgets ever really finished? I feel like just when I get a handle on mine, something else comes up to mess with me. It's a living, breathing organism, I guess.
9. So I'm participating in this thing that started on Facebook, where the first five people who commented get something handmade by me. I finished the first and am working on the second, and last week I actually received one! My Janie crafted for me the most beautiful quilted bag. It's in different green fabrics. It makes me swoon.
10. I think I'm actually gonna lose the second toenail on each foot. Kinda makes me feel like a badass. (Also kinda think it's gross.)

This week's 10

1. Sometimes I think of the salad bar at Whole Foods as my personal chef.
2. I'm confused and befuddled. No one seems to be rushing to put on a telethon for Japan. I can't bear to watch the footage; the little bits I've seen are just devastating. I think it will be years before we understand the full effect of the earthquake, tsunami and eventual nuclear breakdown that happened over there, and yet the relief effort seems so much less than the outpouring for Haiti. Is it because Haiti is such a poor nation, or are we still upset over Pearl Harbor? Or is it something else that I just haven't thought of yet? I don't know, but it leaves me ... confused and befuddled.
3. I get a huge kick out of looking at clothing. I don't buy much, but I totally dig the realization that if I did, I could actually wear it.
4. Last night at the gym, a woman I don't know told me I look fantastic. Random encounters like that totally make my freakin' day.
5. For the first time in about five years, I listened to the Rent soundtrack. I love the music. I always respond to it emotionally, but since that guy I was married to broke my heart, it's been impossible to listen to. Some couples have a song; we had an entire musical, and Rent was it. But over the weekend, I got a hankering to hear it. I popped it into the car stereo and listened on my way to Long Grove, and it was as if it belonged just to me again. Sometimes the greatest joy comes from taking something back.
6. Speaking of Long Grove, I participated in a 5K race there over the weekend, and for the first time completed the run with an average of less than 15 minutes per mile. Yes, I am still one of the slower runners out there, but I'm only racing against myself. I have nothing to prove to anyone but me, and it's pretty amazing to feel the improvement over time.
7. People ask me from time to time what it is that I'm doing to lose the weight. Really, do they think I'm going to come up with some brilliant idea no one has heard before? I stopped eating everything that wasn't nailed down. I started exercising. When that stopped working, I ate a little less and I moved a little more. Lather, rinse, repeat. There is no magic pill, there is no miracle formula. Eat less; move more. Anyone who advises you any other path to health and wellness is trying to sell you something.
8. I'm pretty sure, however, that I was not meant to have that particular tightness across my shoulders. Lots of upper back work at the gym last night. Damn you, Pam!
9. There seems to be a whole lotta stupid going around. Can we vaccinate against that stuff?
10. Monster sweet tooth. That, and water retention, probably mean the scale and I are not gonna get along tomorrow. Sigh.

Ten on Tuesday, March 8

1. Gotta run! I have a race on Sunday in Long Grove - the St. Paddy's Day 5K. Unwisely, I signed up for this not realizing that the night before is when we spring ahead. Yeah, I'll probably sleep like a dog that night.
2. I realize we're not even halfway through March, but I am already excited for April. I get to hang with two of my faux Bros! The weekend of April 9 & 10, Mike will be here, doing some training stuff. That means he'll be with me for the Shamrock Shuffle, the 8K I'm running on April 10. Should be a hoot! Then the following weekend, I'll be taking the First Roadtrip of Spring to head down to Charleston for Celebration Weekend. Looking forward to seeing the town and campus, not to mention The Poulters ... and strawberry bread.
3. There is one week out of every month during which I could eat pretty much anything that isn't nailed down. That's right now. You've been warned.
4. A girlfriend asked me over the weekend if I was dating anyone. The simple answer is no, and I won't be looking. Quite honestly, I have put five years worth of work into the person I'm becoming, and I really have no interest in sharing it with Some Guy. Sometimes, being on your own can be a lot less lonely than being in a relationship.
5. Like an idiot, I went to the gym last night only to realize I forgot my shoes. So there I stood, wearing a sweater and underwear, with no way to work out. The skirt and boots went back on, and I scowled the whole way home. At least next week, if that happens, it will still be light enough out that I can run in the 'hood if I want to. Sheesh!
6. I really like toast. The way it smells makes me happy. (And the sound of it being done, when the toaster plays the Mickey Mouse March, doesn't hurt, either.)
7. Had my "annual review" with the doctor last Thursday. Test results are all in. Overall cholesterol: 145; less than 200 is good. HDL (the good cholesterol): 72 ; more than 46 is good. LDL (the bad cholesterol): 59; less than 130 is good. Triglicerides: 72; less than 150 is good. Blood glucose: 81; less than 100 is good. (Other "girly" tests came back normal, too, in case you were wondering.) The nurse who called wanted to know what I was doing, because - as she put it - "I'd like to have numbers like that." There's no secret; it's just taking care of yourself. Eat less. Move more. Live in balance.
8. Over the weekend, I had a little chat with my nephew, Alex. Whenever I visit, he seems to conjure up errands that must be run. He's in Driver Ed, and can drive my car for practice, and who wouldn't want to do that? Anyway, when he's driving, he's also a captive audience. So I take the opportunity to impart great wisdom. This week's nugget? "It's never too early, or too late, to start becoming who you are meant to be." I think it's true, no matter who you are
9. I am in desperate need of a new pair of jeans. Perhaps this weekend, I shall carve out a bit of time to shop!
10. It's Fat Tuesday. Red beans and rice for lunch, and avoiding paczki for breakfast. Brings back lots of memories of New Orleans. The best of times, fo sho.

New Orleans, March 18, 1997. Most of the time, we were happier than this.

Ten things I've learned

Perhaps you're tired of hearing about it already, but please bear with me. Running - and my quest for health in general - has taught me a lot in the short time I've been truly dedicated to it. I've learned a lot. Such as ...

1. I'm stronger than I think I am. There are things I can't do - like a pull-up - but most things, I can. I just need to try. I can do push-ups from my toes. (I can't get get my upper arms parallel to the floor while I do them, but I will. Fo sho.) I can run. (Intervals, but it counts.) I can take a few hours on a Tuesday night and torch 1,000 calories. I can hold Boat Pose in yoga. And one day, I'll be doing pull-ups. Guaranteed.
2. I found myself running. It sounds stupid, I know, to "find" oneself. I mean, I was never on the side of a milk carton, right? But I was lost for a long, long time. I had lots of friends and people who care about me, pointing me toward me, but it's hard, sometimes, having gone through the tough stuff to know who you are, where you fit in the world. But when you're out for a run, you are alone; yet, you're surrounded by people. Whether you're on a treadmill or on the road, there's a whole world reaching out to push you forward. You can have complete solitude as you compete with yourself to get you to your destination. It's kind of incredible. I found myself out there, this strong, independent woman who looks at a challenge and says, "Okay, let's go!"
3. It's difficult, but not impossible, to completely change your life. And grand, sweeping changes begin with one small step.
4. People make it worthwhile. I first entered my gym with a similar attitude with which I went off to college. Both times, my intent was to take a solitary journey, to accomplish a goal and be done with it. And both times, people have crossed my path of whom I have no intention of letting go. My life is more joyful not only because of my physical health, but because I am not alone on the journey.
5. Making others proud feels great. Making yourself proud is the shit.
6. You never know what you can do until you try. Scale a wall? Run a mile? Weigh less than I have in 13 years? Yeah, I can do that.
7. Setting goals is easy. Reaching them takes work. Every day. But after awhile, it really does become a habit. Most days these days, I reach effortlessly for my gym bag. It's expected; it's just what I do.
8. You can have the really good premium ice cream. You just have to measure out portions instead of eating out of the container. Like right now, there's a quart of Whole Foods' Salted Caramel Gelato in my freezer. For each half-cup serving, I log 160 calories. (No, I don't eat more than half a cup at at time.) I can do that a few times a week, and I feel indulgent and awesome. And it doesn't blow my calorie budget!
9. The rest really is as important as the work. I don't obsess. I work my plan, and it's all good. Part of my plan is rest - every Wednesday, I do yoga; nothing strenuous, no major calorie burn. Every Friday, I take a day off from working out. On Sundays, if I feel like it, I'll head outside for a run, but it's not required. The plan helps me strike a balance. And isn't that really what it's all about?
10. Small improvements feel incredible. The first time you're able to do something well - whether it's take a lunge deeper or do a perfect crunch or hold your plank - makes you realize that the work is paying off. It's not (only) about the way you look and feel; it's about the way the human body responds to the work. Your body will pay you back for every bit of effort you put into it.

Ten things that inspire me

Yeah, the usual "10 on Tuesday" thing isn't working for me lately. Ergo, I'm changing it up a bit. I've been writing a lot at work about motivation and inspiration, and it occurred to me that I'm good telling others how to get it, but I don't spend a lot of time considering how I get "fed" in this way. So, I've decided to give it some thought. And then, give credit where credit is due.

1. People who are good at what they do. Whether it's a musician who makes the guitar seemingly sing on its own, or a chef who prepares my tuna melt just so, or an athlete who is "on" his or her game ... I'm generally honored to witness it.
2. Taking chances. I have friends who are pursuing their personal quests, fulfilling their dreams and following up on commitments, and it makes me so proud to learn of their accomplishments.
3. Getting back up. Sometimes, ya fall down. Sometimes, it hurts. Every time, the strongest among us get back up.
4. Breakfast. I'm at my most creative first thing in the morning, so a really good breakfast finds me jazzed and happy. The perfect cuppa joe, something carbolicious, and a yummy protein and all is well with my world.
5. Babies. I swear to God, I think they are born with all knowledge. The fact that, from babyhood, anything is possible ... it just amazes me. Those cuddly little creeps are awesome. (And I mean "creep" in the nice way.)
6. Road trips! When the weather turns warmer (and I really think it will), my thoughts turn to loading up the car, cranking up the tunes, rolling down the windows and heading down the road. Even if it's just for a day, the change of scenery refreshes my brain. It's like hitting the re-set button.
7. Ben Folds. Seriously, have you listened to him play? Oy.
8. My workout buddies. Many of them are in great shape. Most of them are in far better shape than I. Seeing what's possible, if you continue to take care of yourself, makes me look forward to what the future holds for my health and fitness.
9. Kindness. Last night at the gym, I was joking with a woman about our workout schedules and whatnot, and about how - after working out steadily for a couple of years - I still can barely keep a straight face when I refer to myself as an athlete. She, in all seriousness, said to me, "You are so much more of an athlete than many of the people here. Athleticism is in the effort as much as it's in the result." In that case, I'm an athlete. And her kindness and generosity of spirit helped me push myself through a very difficult two-hour workout!
10. Going barefoot. My floors at home are almost always dirty, but that doesn't matter, because it's winter. But soon - soon! - I will need to step up the cleaning, because when it's warm, this girl does not wear shoes, or socks. My loose happy toes make me feel grounded and happy. I'm ready to lose the shoes!

In sickness and in health

So I feel crappy. I have dodged every illness that has plagued the universe all season long, and just when we get good weather (the forecast says we might hit 60 today) ... BAM. I catch it.

I'm rolling with it okay. Plenty of fluids, getting my rest, taking my vitamins. What more can I do? Not much feelin' like getting a workout in, although I have kicked it the last three nights. Monday was a glorious outdoor run; Tuesday, two classes (weights plus cardio) at the gym; and last night, hot yoga. Felt great to stretch and sweat. Tonight is supposed to be a run, but with the amount of energy I don't seem to have today, it's not lookin' good.

The surprising thing is, if I'm not up to running, I will miss it. I will miss doing something I avoided doing for years. Running, I've discovered, is my outlet. It's how I've found my way. It's solitary runs in nature, group jaunts to nowhere on a treadmill at the gym. It's training for the next race, hoping I won't come in last. And it's race day, when running becomes the single most enjoyable activity one can do all by oneself, in a large group of people.

Running is independence. It's something many say they cannot do, when most of them could ... they simply choose not to. (One sure exception? My brother.) It's the thing that makes me feel like a mess when I'm out there, and like a superhero when I'm done.

When I started running, I began to discover myself again. I ran back to Maggie.

It sounds crazy, and maybe a little new-agey. I knowthat, but it's okay. See, it's given me goals. Complete a 5K; complete an 8K; complete a 10K; try a half-marathon. Just try. See if you can do it. It's given me challenges, and with that, the opportunity to succeed.

I still run three minutes and walk two minutes, consistently, on every run. Can I still call myself a runner? Yes. I am a runner. I am focused on this body, these legs that carry me for miles each trip. I step outside, pick up my feet, and I fly - slowly and low to the ground - across the pavement. Even on days when I don't feel up to my scheduled run, I can still call myself a runner.

I am unbreakable.

I am unstoppable.

I am a runner.

Musings on a snow day

I swear, I didn't think I'd ever get another snow day. I mean, I'm a grown up, mostly. Do we get snow days?

Evidently, yes. It's a marshmallow world.

I have to say, snow removal in my area has been incredible. Plows come by with startling regularity. If I needed to go somewhere, I could ... if I could get out of my parking lot, which has not yet been plowed. Anyway, it's pretty incredible. I'm planning to go out for a little walk later. You know, when the snow stops falling horizontally.

But here's the thing: much as it's a little creepy to see the universe shut down as it has, it's kinda nice. I will be holed up in my little home, knitting and watching movies (as long as I have power). It's a little forced r&r. I'll take it.

And of course it also gives me time to think and ponder, and thoughts begin to wander into not-so-ancient history. I'm hunkered down, and I'm alone ... but not. Let me 'splain.

No, let me sum up.

See, there was a time when I was firmly entrenched in coupledom. Married with two cats sort of defined my life, and for some reason, it made my world small. Now, in my "alone-ness" ... I am less alone than ever. I know that if I needed something, someone would walk to find me. Someone would get on a train to make sure I'm okay. Because my world is huge now. My life is full of friends and family, relationships I've nurtured which in turn enrich my life immeasurably.

Why? Well, I think it's because these days, I'm not putting all my energy into one relationship. I'm caring for myself, and letting that care trickle into many relationships with countless people who matter.

When you're isolated in a snowstorm, that is a great feeling.

Ten, Wednesday, January 26

1. Life comes equipped with twists and turns. This keeps things interesting. For example, two years ago, I received what I felt was the worst evaluation of my career. Having been down several crappy career paths, I chose to see this as an opportunity. While I didn't agree with what was said, I did have to accept that this was my boss' perception. I could either work to change that, or find a different job. I stayed, did the work, and yesterday - two years later - I received probably the best review of my career. Words and phrases such as "masterful", "passion for excellence", and "cheerleader" were used. I'm still smiling.
2. I think the "cheerleader" reference is the most meaningful, because it was used to describe how I support my co-workers. See, there's been a lot of pressure over the last few months. It's been extremely rough, and some of y colleagues have given well beyond what is generally expected. And I was described as being their cheerleader - the person that pulls for ever member of the team, and gives accolades to my peers, because they're awesome. With these people, that's easy to do.
3. And oh, before I forget, I got a promotion. I am now a Senior Writer. That felt good.
4. Sometimes, even in these perfect moments, when everything seems pointed in the right direction, those evil thoughts creep in. "But ... are you missing something?" Being sans-partner, sometimes my mind asks me if I'm not getting the fullness of life, because I'm doing it on my own. Well, first of all, I'm not ... not really. I'm in it with a myriad of amazing people, and that is nothing like alone. Secondly, I think I'm one of those people who, when there's too much distraction, fractures the important. My career at Nalco took a downward spiral post-relationship; I'm not sure my career can handle a relationship. But finally - and this is the big one - I don't feel remotely incomplete. I am more whole today than I have ever been when I was dating someone. It would take an absolute prince to make it worthwhile to try.
   
5. I will be going to Tucson at least once this year. I miss the desert. It makes me happy. But wait ... it's not just the desert. It's the people! I will spend time amongst the cacti with Mike, Rae and Kaylee. There will be much fun, and delicious food. There is always delicious food.
6. This year I will be doing two different fundraising walks - one for MS, and one for the American Cancer Society. If I ask you to donate, feel free to just high-five me in support. No pressure, but a little somethin' is always appreciated, too.
7. The Friday before Valentine's Day, uber-great instructor Donna is teaching a 90-minute salsa/funk class at the poshest gym ever, and I'm going. If only just to use their showers afterward.
   
8. Take a bed of field greens, some chicken breast marinated in Buffalo sauce, then grilled and sliced, plus some chopped celery and grated carrot. Top it all with a little blue cheese and some ranch dressing ... divine. Buffalo Chicken Salad. You're welcome.
9. I'm out of Christmas candy. This makes me cranky.
10. You know around the small of your back, where lattisimus dorsi hang out along the spine, and the body sorta dips in? No? Okay, go find someone you love; I'll wait. Back? Good. Now, put your arm around your loved one's waist, resting your hand along the small of his or her back. Feel the little dip? Yeah. For a long time, mine felt like mashed potatoes. Now, it feels like mashed potatoes and muscle. Progress!
    

We May Never Pass This Way Again

A few weeks ago, my friend Kathleen invited me to dinner in downtown Downers Grove. We had a lovely meal, sitting and chatting, and I felt a little bit like I was home.

I love this little town almost as much as my own little town, and much of that is because of one woman who first introduced me to it - the inimitable Ellen DeLordo.

I met Ellen when I worked at Nalco Chemical Company, back in the 90s and early 2000s. She made workdays fly by. She made life better just by being in it. She made amazing chicken salad. So, as I sat at the Lemon Tree Grocery a few weeks back, savoring a delicious glass of wine and chatting with Kathleen, I thought, "I should call Ellen, and see if she can join us." But I didn't want to intrude on my Kathleen time, and I figured I'd just call next time I was in town.

As it turns out, Ellen would not have been able to join us, because she was in the final phase of her life here on earth. And earlier this week, we lost her.

She's one of those people who has crossed my mind a lot over the years. She was a pillar of strength during the early stages of my divorce. She was a source of great humor and the best mentor a girl could ask for.

She was My Ellen, and I love her.

We'd lost touch, but always intended to get back together, for mint juleps or a glass of wine or one of her husband Randy's amazing Southern Comfort Old Fashioneds. Not that we were big boozers, mind you; it was usually one drink, curled up on the sofa, and then non-stop laughter for hours on end. The comfort of their home was like a warm blanket to me, and it had nothing to do with the house. It was all Ellen.

If there is a lesson in all of this, it's that sometimes, you can't afford to put off plans. We are all just an illness or bus away from leaving this life; we don't always get a second chance. I will have to learn to live with my regret for not having stayed in this amazing woman's orbit. It's a mistake I would not like to make twice.

Ten on Tuesday, January 18

1. Today is Bex and Matt's anniversary. Happy anniversary, you crazy kids!
2. A group that refers to themselves as "constitutional conservatives and tea party members" began to follow me on Twitter. Seriously. I cracked up, then blocked them.
3. My workouts are seriously difficult, especially on Tuesday nights. I'm a little quivvery right now, and sort of really a lot in need of a hot tub.
4. Coming home tonight, I was greeted to a minefield of cat puke. Special.
5. I've been asked several times lately what inspired me to start running, so I figured I'd just go on record right here with the idea behind it. Because I can. It really is as simple as that. Well, plus a little measure of I didn't think I could. Proving myself wrong? Awesomesauce.
6. I am out of chocolate and there is no ice cream in this house. Tragic!
7. My friend Eric is in New Orleans on a work trip. Have I told you lately how much I love that town?
8. Donna, my Tuesday night instructor of all things good, choreographed a dance to "Raise Your Glass" by P!nk, on my suggestion. It was amazing to dance to it. Even better, because "Since You Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson was also in tonight's mix. Perfect for this particular night. Happy birthday, Jackass.
   
9. My Godson and his family just got back from Walt Disney World. They shared photos on Facebook throughout the trip, and it was so much fun to watch. The only thing that would have been better is if I'd been along with them.
10. I love my life. It's a good one. I'm glad you're part of it.
    

The date and me

I looked at my calendar just now. I had this nagging feeling that there was something significant about tomorrow's date. January 18 ... what is that? Stuart's birthday? No, that's Jan. 28 - exactly six months before my sister Jenn's birthday. What is it about January 18 that I'm supposed to remember.

And then it hit me.

January 18 is Becky Rice's wedding anniversary. Becky and Matt got married on my then-husband's birthday. Yep. That's it; tomorrow my ex turns another year older. Strangely, I don't even know what his age will be. (Well, we can do the math on that one; he was born in 1969, so he's 42.)

How did I get here? How is it that, in five year's time, so much can be forgotten, left in the past where it belongs?

Buckle in. There's a story here.

See, five years ago tomorrow (the actual birthday) was my last day believing the marriage could work. He let it be that way; there were presents involved. Mind you, I was unemployed at the time, but I pulled out all the stops. We went to dinner at our favorite restaurant. I showered him with gifts. (Literally everything that was on his Christmas list that he didn't get then, he received for his birthday.) We had what I thought was a perfect evening. It felt magical. Even though I knew things were not settled, that night, everything felt so right, I believed we would survive.

On January 19, 2006, he told me it was over. Classy, huh?

I fought it. I wept over it. I tried to find a job so I could fix what was broken (as if the budget was the only problem.) I wracked my brain trying to figure out where I'd gone wrong and how I could once again be someone he could love.

I lived in sadness, 24/7, until I was ready to stop doing that.

Time passed. I worked a part-time job. I worked two part-time jobs. I searched tirelessly for a full-time job I could love. I found friends, I rekindled old friendships, I tried to figure out who I was, without him. All of that took time, energy and antidepressants. None of it was easy.

Now, I could regale you with tales of his cruelty, and I could tell how about his wild life wooing the woman he swore was just his friend (which clearly explains why they're married now.) But this is my story, and they aren't part of it, so I'm not going to go there. Besides, if you read old posts long enough, that story is probably here in the blog history, so why beat that dead horse?

So I hunkered down to do the work, and four years ago began the job I currently hold. Starting this job was what I call Turning Point #1. On most days, it is exactly where I want to be. And on days when it's not, they still pay me, so it's a pretty good deal. I'm a writer. That's all I ever wanted to be. It took me 13 months to find a full-time job, but here I am, and I'm loving it. Still.

I continued cultivating friendships, singing karaoke, spending time with people who were good for me (and occasionally not.) My days were pretty much filled with work, friends, food and home. Not a lot of activity, just sort of surviving. And then, as I was about to turn 41, it occurred to me that if I didn't make some changes, I was going to have a pretty short life. And when it was time to pat dirt in my face, I was going to be a fat corpse; nobody wants that! So I joined a gym. This was Turning Point #2.

My first day heading in to Life Time Fitness in Schaumburg, I was terrified. Everyone walking in was thin and fit. I was going to be the only fatty in the entire building! (So not true, but that's how it looked.) But I went in anyway. I was determined not to care. Unless I was willing to always be the fatty, I needed what they had inside those doors.

I walked in. I worked out. I thought I was going to die. I finished, and I left. This was to be my routine. Then, one day as I was walking in, I held the door open for the woman behind me, who turned out to be my ex-husband's cousin. What are the chances? She and I began working out together, and with her encouragement, I tried my first Group Fitness class. (Turning Point #3.) We took Aqua Fitness (water aerobics; perfect for the fat girl!) and had a great time. We got pruney, and then we sat in the hot tub, where I met a man named John and a woman named Linda. After a few classes, they became friends. It's been years since the cousin has been at the gym, but she ushered in a whole new era for me. I will always be grateful.

John and Linda encouraged me to try different classes. Soon, I found myself in Hip-Hop, Salsa Funk and strength training classes. The weight slowly began to melt off. My life slowly began to blossom. Without my knowing, I was creating a life. We'd talk after class, we'd attend classes at other clubs together, and we'd inspire each other to reach for more.

Years past. Friendships solidified. I changed.

It was August of 2010 when I completed my first race. (Turning Point #4.) It happened pretty much as a joke, but I did it, and I was hooked. I signed up for more. I completed more. I have many more coming. I am a runner.

Seriously.

I'm not a good runner, but I'm a runner. And sometimes, I pause and I think about the past five years and I wonder, "who is this woman?" She is joyous. She is incredibly strong. She is funny, she is full of life, and she tries a little harder every day to amaze herself.

Happily Ever After is not just something reserved for happy royal couples. I know. I'm living mine. So, happy birthday, Christopher. Thank you for your part in making me whole ... even if all you had to do was leave.

They say it "passeth understanding" for a reason

I still can't comprehend it.

Shootings in Tucson - home of people I consider family. Shootings that stole six lives, and left a Congresswoman miraculously fighting for her life.

And the only thing going through my mind is "mindless". Such a mindless act! It is beyond my comprehension how someone with infinite choices would choose this sort of violence.

Is peace such a difficult choice? Does it really, as the song says, "passeth understanding"?

I don't know the answer. I struggle with it a lot these days. I'm grateful on one hand that my Tucson peeps didn't choose Saturday morning to grocery shop. Yet, on the other, I know families are grieving for those who were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, to be taken down by a madman with a gun.

And that's an important distinction: They were taken down by a madman, not by the gun.

You know I'm a liberal. It's not a four-letter word! You know I generally vote democrat and that I lean to the left in almost all instances. But I understand guns. I celebrate the fact that my friend Ryan occasionally brings home a deer from the hunt, and shares incredible steaks and roasts with me. I understand guns as sport. I do not understand guns pointed at innocent people for little or no reason.

Crazy knows no party lines, and Saturday's gunman was clearly crazy.

But instead of all the finger pointing we're seeing right now in the wake of such tragedy, I would ask for peace. Choose the path that leads us away from more violence. Choose to love. Choose the beauty of honoring humanity.

It's a choice. Make it, every day.

Ten on Tuesday - It's a New Year!

1. I'm a simple girl with simple needs. I like it that way.
2. I spent New Year's Day with my friend Linda and her family. I love them! We had a blast; so much so, that when I looked at the clock and it said 11:30, I was shocked. Time flies whether you're having fun or not, but when you're having a lot of fun, if flies a lot faster.
3. Back on the food log bandwagon this morning. Good LORD, was there ever a lot of food in my life over the past few weeks! Jeezooey, am I ready to get back into my normal routine.
4. I'm at the Country House until Friday, and I suppose I should admit that I'm ready to come home. I will miss the massive bathtub and the wondrous kitchen, but other than that, I am beyond ready to get back to my digs. I was there last night for a little while, dropping off some stuff I won't need this week, and it just felt ... good. Right. Home.
5. Vacation was wonderful. I didn't accomplish much, but it was nice letting myself be off for awhile, to enjoy the house, curl up with the cat, and take a break from reality. I returned to work (almost) refreshed, ready for a new year.
6. My spin instructor is not teaching on Saturdays any more. What does that mean to me? It means I run on Saturdays now. I won't like it as much, but it will give me the training I need to accomplish my goals.
7. Which include running an 8k on April 10 (I'm already registered for the Shamrock Shuffle; I'll be joining Justin and Diane, and a cast of thousands!) and a half-marathon in early 2012. Lots of training to be done; can I do it? (Yes. Yes, I can.)
8. I didn't sleep very well last night. Can you tell by the ADD-style of this post?
9. I love brie in pastry. It is simply one of my very favorite foods.
10. There's something oddly satisfying about a clean calendar. Soon, it'll be full of notes and appointments and to-do's, but for the moment, it's just a blank slate. That's just plain cool.

So I'm behind

I've been house-sitting for a friend, and her computer is in the basement. I don't like basements, so I haven't been online much; so I'm behind.

Suffice it to say that my 10 will be back next week. Until then, happy new year. Close out 2010, and ring in 2011, in whatever way you deem awesome!

My Top Ten Christmas Memories

Growing up Bieritz was not the stuff of opulent Christmases. There were never mountains of gifts under the tree, but Christmas was magical all the same. You want proof?

1. Stockings. Dad affixed nails into the stone wall, so our stockings always hung by the chimney with care, and each year they held an orange, an apple, and some walnuts. Usually some chocolate Santas, too. Opening to stocking was awesome. They were made of green felt, an original Patricia Bieritz design, and they rocked.
2. Decorating the church. Times have changed, but back in the day, decking those halls was the sign that Christmas had come. Hanging roping around the choir loft, putting up the mitten tree, putting red satin balls on the big tree up front ... with every addition, the place began to fill with the scent of pine and the spirit of all that is good within us.
3. The year I figured out that, on Christmas Eve, I'm pretty. The rest of the year, I may be a sow by the side of the road, but there's magic to Christmas Eve. One year, when I was a teenager still stuck in a horribly long awkward stage, I had a red velour dress to wear to church at 11 p.m. on Christmas Eve night. I took a bath, did my hair, put on my face and looked in the mirror ... and the young woman who looked back was strangely familiar. I saw me, but I also saw beauty. This was a first ... and it happens every Christmas Eve. I don't know about you, but I think that night brings out my absolute best.
4. Midnight parties. When we were children, my parents used to invite the entire church over to the house after the Christmas Eve candlelight service. Doesn't sound like a huge deal, until you realize the service started at 11 p.m. and got out at midnight. Beef sandwiches, relishes, that incredible punch, a big platter of cookies ... we had guests until the wee hours, and no one seemed to mind; even Mom and Dad, when we were up after only a few hours of sleep!
5. Nana's coffee cakes. It was wonderful living in a neighborhood that shared treats with one another, and our neighbor Nana made these incredible coffee cakes. We looked forward to them every year. She taught my sister Jenn how to make them, and my mom learned, too, so the legacy lives on.
6. Magi, with a twist. Back in 1993, I was out of work. Circumstances sucked, and two of my favorite gifts - a plaid taffeta skirt for myself (oh, shut up; it was cute on me in the 90s!) and a camel hair jacket for then-boyfriend Stu - had to go back. I had less than no money; I couldn't afford them. On Christmas night, Stu came over for dinner with my family and we opened our gifts. Mine were meager, because I had no job and was starting college in January. We had just finished saying our thank-yous when two additional packages arrived. His contained his jacket, and mine contained my skirt. My sister Kathie and my mom conspired to fulfill Christmas wishes that had been abandoned. It still makes me cry when I remember how thoughtful that moment was. And trust me, I was adorable in that skirt.
7. Rice's first legal drink. My best friend and brother, Mike Rice, turned 21 on December 20, 1996. (That was the year, wasn't it?) Anyway, I was still at school wrapping up stuff before heading home for the holidays, and Mike was back in Jacksonville, IL. And it sucked, because he was turning 21 and there was no one with whom to celebrate. Well, why not? I jumped in the car and headed his way, as any good sister would. I loved being in that house at Christmastime, and I loved being able to make my dear friends birthday a little more special, even if it just meant flat beer at a townie bar.
8. The opal. Years ago ... years and years ago ... my friends and I used to exchange gifts. Many were homemade. None were extravagant. Except for the year when Kelly, Patrick and Darrin gave me an opal ring - the very ring I had admired in the window at Page jewelers. I should have known, when Kelly insisted I point it out to her ("is it that one, Margaret?") over and over again, that sometime was up, but it totally flew past my head. I still have that ring. It still gives me great joy, because of the thoughtfulness behind it.
9. Christmas Eve with Diane. When we were in college, my friend Diane Schmelzel and I realized that we were heading "home" to places near each other - I to Montgomery, and she to Naperville. So we agreed that every Christmas Eve, because we would probably always venture home at that time of year, we would share breakfast or lunch together. We've missed a year or two due to illness, but it is a most welcome tradition to share with an old friend.
10. The year Mom bought Dad a new saw. She drove to Morris ... through a blinding snowstorm ... and tried to tell the story over the din of Christmas morning. It always makes me giggle to remember her shouting over our chatter, "IS ANYBODY LISTENING TO ME???"
11. Bonus reason! Not that it's a memory, really, just a feeling I have. I bet, somewhere back in the old house, where my dad, brother and sister still live, there are Christmas gifts, unwrapped, in plastic bags, hidden so well even Mom couldn't remember where she put them. She was very good at that.

Ten on Tuesday, December 14

1. I love my cat. Like, really love my cat. Which explains why I feel an extraordinary amount of guilt for the way he is not adjusting to our new, temporary digs. He and I moved about 30 minutes north for a month, to watch a friend's house and critters while she (the homeowner, not the cat) is travelling. The fuzzy dude is not handling this as well as I'd hoped. But then, this is only day one. Hopefully tomorrow will bring Good Things.
2. I'm going to learn how to snowshoe. On January 9, I'm taking a snowshoe clinic. Then, on January 30, I'm participating in a snowshoe 5k. I probably need my noggin examined.
3. This has been a hard week on the diet. Most days, I've been over on my calorie intake. I need to nip this in the bud so it doesn't get out of control, because let's face it - I like wearing pants.
4. Sometimes, things work out when you least expect them to.
5. I'm pretty good at meeting deadlines, but when I miss them, I miss them big. Things at work are flying fast and furious these days, and I totally blew past a deadline this week. I was supposed to turn copy over yesterday. I just started routing today. That is probably the first time this year that I've been in this situation, but that really doesn't help me feel any better.
6. On the good side of things, I learned last evening that my niece Kaylee in Tucson wants to spend Christmas with me. I would love to spend Christmas with her, too (not to mention her mom and dad,) and think maybe in a few years I should plan a December trip. Wouldn't it be nice to wake up on Christmas morning to a cactus, instead of two feet of snow? I mean, just once?
7. One of my favorite memories - even if I do have to share it with my ex - was of the first Thanksgiving after my mom died. We went to Tucson. We had Thanksgiving dinner outdoors. It was completely wonderful, the perfect antidote for the sadness of it being that first year sans mom.
8. I need a haircut.
9. I feel guilty because I didn't make it to the gym tonight, although I'm pretty sure getting Benld and I moved in to the Country House was the right thing to do tonight.
10. I love you. I love that you log on and read my ramblings, and I love you, just the way you are. (With apologies to Billy Joel.)

Number 10

One week ago today, I woke up and immediately began to cry. Baseball legend Ron Santo was gone. In those first moments of understanding, I felt incredible loss.

My Tucson family was here, and my crying woke them. Try explaining to a four-year-0ld why you're crying over the death of someone you've never met! But some day, she will understand. Some day, it will make sense.

When I was a little girl, my mother's love of Ron Santo didn't make much sense to me. But looking back, it's really quite simple. There was a time when the greatest players in every game played for the sheer love of their game. There were no great salaries in professional sports, but you could see the joy on their faces as they played. Watching file footage of Santo, that's what you see: joy. I think Mom identified with that.

Mom remained a Cubs fan all her life, a trait she passed on to her children. My favorite players were Andre Dawson, Jody Davis and Kerry Wood, but there was always a special place in my heart for Ron. When I would watch the broadcasts on television, I would turn the volume down so I could listen to Pat Hughes and Santo's commentary of the game. Ron loved the game as much as my mom did, so listening to him was almost like having a bit of Mom still with us.

And so today, Ron Santo was given a final sendoff. The day included a prayer service at Holy Name Cathedral, followed by a procession past the Tribune Building and around Wrigley Field. Watching the celebration of his life, I'm reminded of his courage, having followed his career dream while dealing with diabetes. His sense of humor, as a man who could laugh at his own toupee catching fire. But mostly, his intense love of the game.

We'll miss you, old #10. Thank you for sharing your joy with my mom, and in turn, with me. Heel click, and out.

Fraudulent behavior

Sometimes, I feel like an utter fraud.

I mean, if you're not a great writer, can you call yourself that, even if it is your job title?

Can you call yourself a runner if you still can't run a consistent 15-minute mile? Hell, if you can't run the full mile without slowing to a walk?

Can you call yourself a knitter when you keep ripping out rows?

Can you say you're a good housekeeper when you just found another massive dust bunny?

Can you be a good cook and only just have learned to boil an egg?

Ten on Tuesday, December 7

1. This is me, photographing a group of friends prior to the Santa Claus run on Saturday, December 4. This is also a great view of how much I love books, one of my favorite projects from college, and my leg ... which is smaller than I recall.


2. This is the whole crazy group of Santa runners - Lorna, Di, Justin, Re-Pete, Schlex, Rebekah, Mama Dee, me, Linda and Pete.

3. Same group, with our beards. Ever seen anything so awesome in your life? Didn't think so.
4. Tucson Mike, Racheal and Kaylee were here the end of last week. It was a magical visit, complete with a train ride, the view from atop the Sears Tower, lunch in the Walnut Room (accompanied by the worst server in the history of the planet,) almost skating at Millennium Park, and dinner at Meat & Di's. But the very best part? Watching Kaylee, my little desert baby, enjoy snow. She kept picking up bunches of the fluffy white stuff, throwing it in the air, and saying "This is the best day ever." Yeah, that's enough to make an auntie's day, too.

5. Practice makes perfect. I had my first rehearsal last night for a Christmas show. All music, small cast, very fun. One weekend only, December 17 and 18. Wanna go?

6. I ran last night at the gym. It pissed me off, because I had a much better run than I did at the run over the weekend. Maybe running indoors (instead of on snowy streets) is that much easier. Maybe the treadmill is nicer to my knees. Maybe I'm a wuss. I don't know, but in a half-hour run, I actually ran 23 out of 30 minutes, which is a new record. Now I just have to increase it little by little until I'm running the whole 30 ... and then get to the point where I can handle running an entire 5k. I must be crazy.

7. But I think it might be catching. See, last weekend, several of my crazy friends gathered for this Santa run thing. And much as I know it's not just because of me, they weren't shy about telling me they never would have done it if I hadn't suggested it. Who ever would have thought that I would be the one to organize people and urge them to run? Does it make sense that the slowest runner in the bunch, who can almost but not quite squeak out a 15-minute mile, is the mastermind? Probably not. But fun is fun, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

8. There's also a hidden benefit to being the slowest in my group: I get a cheering section! I can't explain how amazing it felt to have my friends cheering me on at the end of the race. They make me realize I can finish. I love them for that.

9. I also love Christmas music. But not the crap they play on 93.9 here in Chicago. It's the same songs every time I turn it on. Do they not realize that Hall & Oates are not the only people who recorded "Jingle Bell Rock," or that many artists have covered Brenda Lee's "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree"? Seriously. If you must play the same song every two hours or so, at least play a different version! I have about 10 different versions of each of those songs; call me, I'll share!

10. There are only 12 more get-ups until my Christmas vacation begins. Holler.