Friday, July 27, 2007

Issues! Get your issues!

I'm a girl with issues. Now THERE's a newsflash for ya, right? Lots of little issues, for sure. Claustrophobia that rears it's ugly head mostly when my shoes or seatbelt are too tight. The incessant need to be as cute as I possibly can be at all times (which often isn't very cute at all but it's the effort that counts, right?) The sensitivity that means you really can hurt me just by looking at me wrong.

But mostly, the issue is abandonment. The knowledge that, sooner or later, everybody leaves.

It sucks, you know, knowing that even promises and vows aren't enough. Even my best isn't enough. Because in the end, vows are only as good as the air they're whispered to, and your best is only as good as the person accepting it from you. But still, the empty feeling of being left behind can be overwhelming.

My mother left when I still had questions, and sometimes I still feel really bitter with the knowledge that I'll never get to ask her why I was never good enough. Her leaving is permanent - just look in the can on the hearth at Dad's house. But with time I really have begun to heal from her death. It doesn't matter as much that my sisters got most of the jewelry. I have tons of good memories of Mom, and I cling to those moments of support, love and encouragement. I prefer to think that those were the moments when she was her true self. That the moments when I felt like I wasn't good enough were just her way of showing me she wanted the very best for her baby girl.

My husband left when I still had questions, too, and lately I've become extremely bitter with the knowledge that even if he did answer them, there is a high degree of likelihood that his denial runs so deep I won't ever get to the truth, anyway. The vows didn't stick. My best wasn't enough. The emptiness lingers. Not because he "completed" me, or any of that sick simpering crap Hallmark likes to sell you with its cards. No, this is the emptiness of a broken soul, of trust destroyed, of the lack of distinction between truth and lies.

So I've got issues. Don't we all? And the truth of the matter is, not everybody actually leaves. As Brian once said, it's not that everyone leaves; it's that everyone who promises they won't leave, leaves.

Promises can be broken. The bonds of true friendship and love cannot. Now that's something to hang your hat on.


inquiring minds... said...

Have you ever thought that the reason "your best" wasn't enough is because of their issues and not yours?

squeeg said...

Actually, no...leave it to you to point that out! And I love you!