Universal Truths

Similar to, but not to be confused with, The Bylaws.

• Do not try to out-bitch Kelly. You will merely strengthen the bitchiness within and frustrate the hell out of yourself in the process.
• Do not try to out-asshole Margot. Want to see an example of this in action? Be mean to one of my friends and you will unleash an asshole the likes of which you've never seen.
• Never underestimate the sister of an evil genius.
• Do not try to out-Mom Kelly. She's been mothering me since she was 13. She has perfected the art of motherhood to a science. And, she's earthy.
• Some people should just not get married. Trust me on this. I married one of these people.
• If children are crabby, put them in water. 9 out of 10 children surveyed recommend splash therapy for what ails them. The other one just needs a nap.
• If you fucked up today, you will have an opportunity to get it right or fuck it up even more tomorrow.
• Sometimes we all fall. Could be when we're drunk, clumsy, foolish or lack good judgment, but if you keep your friends close by all the time, you'll never hit the ground.
• Tequila first, fried potatoes second.
• Earthy and Lusty are compliments; Mean, Abrasive and Defensive are not.
• Home is where your people are.
• Some things are meant to be shared, like slices of cheesecake, really good books, and kisses - the chocolate and not chocolate kind.