Sunday, July 27, 2008

What if the world were a little more perfect?

It was years ago - December of the year 2000, to be exact. I was boarding a plane to Singapore, quite literally halfway around the world, and leaving my love back in Chicago while I was on assignment in a tropical paradise. Don't mention that there was already several inches of snow on the ground and I was going to a spot just a few degrees above the equator - a tropical haven, to be sure. Let's not even talk about the fact that I was being treated like royalty - amazing accommodations, first-class every leg of the journey, my every need met for the entire time I was there.

And yet, I didn't want to go. Leaving Christopher behind for the duration of the trip was more than I thought I could handle.

How wrong was I?

My adventure in Singapore was so incredibly worth it. I have pictures of myself ankle-deep in the South China Sea, taken on the same day Chicago got hit with 14 inches of snow. Hell yes, it was worth it. Did I miss Christopher? Of course. But did I get over it?

You betcha.

It's the same with life these days. I never thought I'd adjust to a whole life without him, and yet here I am. Everyone falls. Not everyone rises. Or at least that's what Maren Ord says in her song, "Perfect." She asks, "What if the world were a little more perfect? Just stop crying - would you take the leap?"

And ya know what? Once I stopped crying, the leap was easy. Leap, hell. Sometimes I feel like I am hurtling headlong into an uncertain future, not unlike leaving my life in the hands of some unknown pilot, taking me halfway around the world.

There are moments, like this afternoon, when I wanted to go to a movie and felt a little down because I have no companion to join me for cinematic enjoyment. And then I got over myself. After all, these days, I have no one to consult regarding what movie I'd like to see. I can see whatever I want, as many times as I want, and not worry even the tiniest bit about someone else's good time.

It's funny, because one of the biggest reasons he gave for why he left was because it was always all about me. (Because, let's face it, I'm incurably selfish, aren't I?) And now? It is all about me. And I like it this way just fine.

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