Friday, October 31, 2008

Seeing me naked

Well, now, that got your attention, didn't it?

Relax, gentle reader, it's metaphoric, not literal.

There are a few things that I do a lot. There are a few more things that I do probably more than I should. Like drink coffee, drive over the speed limit, and think. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Maggie, and I'm an overthinker.

So I've been thinking lately about something Bex said to me last weekend, how different I look now than I did in photos from seven years ago. That would have been 2001, the year Mike and Rae got married. And, not so coincidentally, the year Christopher and I got married. I had to get photographs out to see what she meant ... and she was right.

It's not just one thing, either. Yes, I was heavier then, but not by a whole lot. No, here I was in what should have been the happiest time of my life, and it just didn't show. It was as though I had put on an armor of ugly. My hair was cropped short in what could have been fun or funky, but instead looked almost masculine. My clothing was baggy and shapeless. My smiles, fake. Looking at those pictures, it was obvious that I wasn't taking care of myself, and no one else was, either.

How sad that it took losing my husband to regain Maggie.

As I continued to think (because that's just how I roll) I asked a few questions. I asked Kelly if she thought I looked different now, and her answer was a little surprising, and a lot Kelly. In her inimitable way, she doesn't tend to see people by the way they look. Instead, she sees people the way the are. So when she gave it some thought, she realized not that I look different, but that I seem different. Happier, more accepting, more comfortable with myself ... that's how she describes it.

So I begin to take this all in and I realize, these days I am unafraid (most of the time) to be (metaphorically, of course) unabashedly naked in front of those I love. You've seen me in times of great joy and sadness, anger and peace, wisdom (however rarely) and utter foolishness. You see the real me, the one who was hidden for years behind layers of frozen stone. It can be a scary thing, to allow people to see you for who you really are. And I won't kid you - it terrifies me to think about ever being involved in a relationship again, knowing my tendency to lose so much of myself. So if that time ever comes ... if there is ever someone Racheal approves, since she gets the final say ... please know that I'll be relying on you to remind me of who I am. Because I get the sense that you kinda like her.

And so do I.


jpb2525 said...

Like her? are you crazy??? I LOVE her! She is better than rainbows!

monkeyhouse said...

I'm sorry. You lost me at naked.

One of many said...

M--marvy A--authentic G--gorgeous G--gigglelicious I--incomparable E--essential

Rae said...

love you Mags