Ten on Tuesday, July 13

1. I don't take kindly to being treated poorly. By anyone. Please don't reprimand me in a crowded office by telling me I "screwed everything up", especially when A) I didn't and B) I followed your directions. Please don't shout into the phone to tell me I'm getting old. Please ... just don't. When you're nasty to me a few times, I can let it go, but when it seems to just be the way you do things, I find it very hard to respect or like you.
2. Why is a concoction made up of Mandarin oranges, pineapple, marshmallows, coconut and sour cream referred to as "Hawaiian salad"? Seriously ... there is nothing remotely salad-like about this dish. Although I will take seconds, please.
3. Ever wanted to hear me sing? Well, you'll get your chance in August. On August 7, I'm part of Liberty Town Productions' Summer Showcase. Shows at 6 and 8:30 p.m., and more info is available here. The following day, I'll be participating in the Fox Valley Park District's "Summer Stage Turns 40" Concert of Memories. I was once very active in Summer Stage, and it's a blast rehearsing with old friends. More info on this show can be found here. Tickets can be reserved by emailing summerstage40@yahoo.com. Thank you for allowing me this shameless plug. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.
4. Rehearsal for the Summer Stage show last Sunday was like a trip back in time. Really - afterward, I invited myself to Patrick's mom's house for dinner; it was that much like 1987. Some things just don't get old. We ate Italian sausage and seafood salad, we swam in the rain, and we sat on the porch and talked. I'm a lucky girl.
5. So, I'm pretty busy these days. Lots of running around from rehearsal to the gym to work to doctor's appointments. Yeah, the knee is still not solved. On Thursday I go for an MRI, and after we know what's wrong, we'll decide what to do. I'm hoping it's not surgery; if some physical therapy can set me right again, I will be a happy woman (who no longer walks like she's 90.)
6. I already ate my lunch, but I'm hungry. There is no justice in the world.
7. I went to the Chicago Botanic Garden on Sunday. It's not in Chicago. It is, however, beautiful. Patrick, Ed, Javier and I met at Max's Deli for breakfast, and then we headed over to the Garden. So pretty. There were lots of little benches and areas to just relax. I could have spent the entire weekend there. In fact, I sort of wish I were still there.
8. Sometimes I get the urge to write nasty letters to the people who have hurt me. I usually talk myself out of it, though, because I realize ... they don't care. I have to learn to let stuff go, to stop feeling hurt over things that are so long in the past. It's tough, sometimes.
9. I saw one of my favorite families perform in "Seussical" last Saturday night. The Ludenas - Polly, Marc, Ross, Jack and Rosalie - were adorable. As a real fan of Dr. Seuss, I truly enjoyed the show. Especially seeing Ro as the baby elephant bird!
10. My finances will probably always be hard for me to manage. It takes real effort for me to manage my money, but I'm getting there. In fact, in what I consider a monumental event, I received the statement from my 401K yesterday. There is money in it. Not a lot - I've only been active since February - but there's money. More than I have had saved in a long, long time. It feels good.

10 on Wednesday, July 7

10 Things I Loved About My July 4th Weekend

1. House salad with fig balsamic vinaigrette at Ryan Braun's Tavern and Grill. And the chicken Marsala. And the gelatto trio. Delicious!
2. Friday night karaoke with Dale. It was a hoot to walk in the door and see Candy's face, because she didn't know I would be there. Of course, she had me sing her song, which went over brilliantly. We sang, we danced, we had a few drinks and a lot of water (man, the humidity!) and we really enjoyed listening to each other sing. It was a new twist on old times.
3. My haircut. It's not short by any means, but it is a lot shorter. I love it. It's bouncy and sassy (right, Rae?) and it doesn't end up in a complete mess after driving around with the top down.
4. Laying at the pool all day long. Bliss with SPF 30, a good book and even better company. Amber and I lounged throughout the day and chatted with her neighbors. Most of the people in her complex are a little older, and they are just charming, wonderful people. We talked about everything from the goose problem in Delavan to Lady Gaga. What a hoot!
5. Doing nothing for an entire evening. We thought about heading out to hear a band, or see a movie, but in the end I fell asleep on the chaise lounge in the living room and finally crawled to bed around 10:30. Yep, that's me - still a party animal!
6. Coffee and a walk. On Sunday, July 4, we slept in and then got dressed to wander around town. We stopped at Caribou for a delicious, frosty coffee treat and then wandered to the lakefront. So beautiful. It was a windy day and the air smelled amazing. There were so many people along the lake enjoying this amazing day. We found a little spot in the shad to sit and people watch for awhile ... bliss.
7. Big salads for lunch. Romaine, chicken breast, cranberries, nuts, feta and Green Goddess dressing. Does it get any better than that? Nope. Not as far as I'm concerned.
8. Wandering through gardens. We visited the North Wind Perennial Farm, which is part nursery and part gorgeous gardens. So many little nooks and crannies, and a big barn full of stuff my mother would have loved. I'm still thinking about the wind chime made of spoons. We also stopped at a mushroom farm, where they had the most beautiful produce ever. Makes me hungry just thinking about it! And that mango/Key lime salsa ... I would like some now, please.
9. Fireworks and water. Amber's friend David (who is also Patrick's friend, of course, and is now my friend, too) invited us out on his boat to watch the fireworks. He's on Lake Como, and from the middle of the lake, we could see fireworks from Fontana, Lake Como and the Grand Geneva. Incredible! Even though it was a little misty out on the water, it was a wonderful experience. I felt like I was among old friends, and sharing fireworks like that ... well, to me, it matters. Fireworks are meant to be shared with people you love.
10. Coming home. I elected to drive home after the fireworks rather than stay until Monday. While I missed breakfast with Laura, I was happy to be home. Honestly, I think that's the best part of most trips - coming home and realizing that this is where I belong.

Good as new?

I don't know exactly when it happened.

Was it a by-product of being married? The annual addition of a birthday? The moment I realized that my best days were probably behind me?

I don't know what led me to this place. I do know that, somewhere along the way, I stopped seeing myself as fixable. I decided that the aches and pains, the ways in which my body simply didn't behave, were just part of getting older. So my knee hurts. So the little sucker is prone to injury. What do you expect, at almost 44 years of age?

Turns out, I can expect more.

See, I've been really active over the last month or so. Keeping up the gym regimen while participating in relays, serving beers and helping friends move. All the while babying my knee, trying to keep from hurting it, and yet causing some very real pain. It wasn't getting any better, so I went to the doctor.

Who assures me that, with physical therapy, I can be good as new.

Really? After I'd given up and pretty much resigned myself to growing old next week, I learn that it doesn't have to be this way? Evidently. And that's an important revelation: We're never really done. We can never give up. Good enough can never be good enough.

So I have my first appointment next Wednesday at 4 pm. It will probably make me want to cry like a girl. Which is fortunate, because I am. But I'm going to do it, and I'm going to be good as new.

Ten on Tuesday, June 29

1. I don't like moving. I really don't like moving in 92 degrees and high humidity when there are stairs involved. That said ... it was totally worth it to install Millie, Eric and Danny in their new old home. Having my friends a little bit closer makes it completely worth it.
2. Spontanaeity and I still get along. Last Friday when Kathleen called looking for a dinnertime diversion, I initially thought "No; it's a big weekend with lots of activity and I really need to do my laundry." But I changed my mind, because life is short, food is good, and Kathleen is awesome. She met me at P.F. Chang's and we sat on the patio. It was a delightful, wonderful evening. And when I got home, I still had plenty of time do finish my chores.
3. Telling people that you value their opinions is not the same as actually valuing those opinions. That doesn't mean I expect anyone to substitute my judgement for his or her own. It does, however, require one not to assume I (or anyone else, for that matter) am wrong just because we share a different set of circumstances.
4. The car has been officially christened El Guapo. My best friend in the entire universe, the brother I didn't meet until I was 29, is in town on business, and the entire family (minus Rae and Kaylee) got together for dinner. Mike Rice has to pilot my vehicles and name them. He's been doing it since college, and it's the right thing to do.
5. Speaking of Rice family dinner ... it was chicken and dumplings, the way Susan (Mom) Rice used to make them. I have a lot of memories of that particular meal. Sometimes around that big table in the Jacksonville kitchen, sometimes huddled around a plastic bag full of dumplings and eating them cold the next morning. Always delicious. Becky and Cindy made dinner and the most perfect peach custard pie I've ever had. It was a magical meal. And like most magical meals, it wasn't the food, but the people, that made it special. This was the first time in two years that I've been in the same room with all the Rice kids, as James has been teaching in India. It was great to see him - and all my adoptive siblings - if only for one evening.
6. Okay, so this just hit me. We're eating the peach pie, and I ask for the recipe, and little brother Chunk says, "I'll send it to you right now." And he did. From his phone. Which means my little brother has the recipe for peach pie on his phone. How cute is that?
7. I have really effed up my knee. Too much activity over the last few weeks, I guess. It's swollen and cranky. Guess I'll have to take it easy this weekend, huh?
8. VACATION! It's just a long weekend, but it totally counts. Heading up to Lake Geneva on Friday night (pray for nice weather; I'd really love to go with the top down) and staying through Monday morning. In my near future, there will be karaoke, breakfast, pool, lake, sun, conversations and laughter. Sounds like vacation to me.
9. This morning I woke up to a little kitty-vomit minefield. Not sure what the little bastard got into, but it was nasty. And it did not make for a good morning.
10. If you eat a lot of black licorice, jelly beans or gum drops, you will poop brilliant green. No, really.

10 on Tuesday, June 22

1. I bought sunglasses. I had to do it on my own, because while I’ll see Tucson Mike in less than a week, we will not have time to shop. This puts a lot of pressure on me, but I think I did okay. Found two pairs that I really like, and they were buy one/get one half off. What good a pair of half-off sunglasses does me, I’ll never know. At least if they’re half off, they’re also half on.
2. Co-worker Mike is bringing me his bike. And that was an unfortunate rhyme. Anyway, I’ll be using it to train for the Muddy Buddy race on August 1. You should come cheer us on!
3. I have the ingredients to make panzanella – tomato and bread salad. Can I just say, yum?
4. Last Friday, we had some of the most freakish weather ever. The sky turned dark and scary, the wind was crazy and we lost power at the office. So what did we do? Went to the nearest bar for a few beers. Soon, it was safe to drive home and all was well … except I had no power there, either. It didn’t come on until 6:19 a.m. Good thing I have friends who are willing to entertain me in my hour of need!
5. I am not usually excited to perform manual labor. However, this weekend I will be pleased as punch to help move my friends Eric and Millie, and their son Danny, to Aurora. They currently live in DeKalb, which is too far away. Aurora will be much more manageable, for me, anyway. It will be worth the sweat and the icky to have them not living in Iowa.
6. At this time next week, Conference will be happening. Many of our management will be in Milwaukee, and it will be quiet, like the day after Thanksgiving. I’m looking forward to getting my cubicle clean and leaving on time.
7. I’m giving myself a little vacation. Fourth of July weekend will find me in Wisconsin, enjoying the water and the company of good friends. I know it’s not most people’s idea of a great vacation adventure, and I know it wasn’t my first choice of where I’d be heading … but it will certainly allow me to rest, relax and enjoy a little time away from the normal day-to-day.
8. I get to see Tucson Mike in just a few days! Well, the rest of the family, too … but it all started with Mike, and I can’t wait to see him. And eat chicken and dumplings. And hang out with the family. Now, of course, I have to admit … I wish the girls were coming, too.
9. I spent part of the day Sunday at my dad’s, because it was Father’s Day. I got presents. I love Father’s Day!
10. Co-worker Lisa and I still walk every day at lunch, as long as it isn’t raining. Today, it was hotter than hot outside. As my friend Marc said, it was “stupid hot”. And I figured, what the hell … at least it’s a dry stupid hot.

Ten on Tuesday, June 15

1. I am trying my damndest to prep for the Muddy Buddy race on August 1. Co-worker Mike and I will run/bike/complete obstacles/crawl through mud on a seven-mile course on a farm in Gilberts, IL. I just hope I don’t make a jackass out of myself. Or die. Or come in last.
2. I really miss having a patio or balcony. I love my little home, but within the next couple of years, I’d really like to upgrade to a place that gives me outside space.
3. Can I say once again how incredibly proud I am of Choose Awesome? Between our sponsorship and donations to our team of (two) walkers in the Relay for Life, the American Cancer Society received more than $560. It was a great feeling to walk for a cause that really matters – to us personally, and to our organization. For our very first venture, it feels pretty incredible. Or should I say awesome?
4. My dad, sister and nephew are still in Hawaii. Some day, I hope to go there. The pictures they’ve posted so far (yes, they access Facebook from the Big Island) are gorgeous.
5. While I miss my Blackberry (which I never should’ve gotten because I’m a Mac person and that’s just wrong) I kind of enjoy having just a regular ordinary doesn’t-do-anything phone. There’s a feeling of being unhooked that comes from not being reachable 24/7. I like that. I will remember that when I go iPhone, and not feel so attached.
6. My container garden is doing very well! I’m going to have to transplant some of the herbs out to give Tom (that’s the tomato) a chance to grow. I am so excited to have fresh tomatoes!
7. I’m still tired from being up all night Friday at the Relay. I am not as young as I once was.
8. I really dislike accepting copy changes from people who aren’t writers. Conversely, I really like having a job. At times, these feelings run at cross purposes with one another.
9. This Sunday is Father’s Day. As much as Mother’s Day is tough for me, being half orphaned and all, I feel for my friends who have lost their fathers. I talk to my dad almost every day, and I am always grateful for being able to do that – in part because I have a reminder, in the form of my friends, that life is short, and Dad won’t be with me forever. Your loss has given me important perspective, and I am grateful for that. You will be in my thoughts on Sunday.
10. I really (really) try to refrain from being passive-aggressive and snarky. This may come as a huge surprise, because it probably doesn’t seem that way. Just think: what if I didn’t try? My world would be nothing but snark. I’ll pause while you feel grateful.

I like ...

camping
pineapple
believing one person can make a difference
butterfly kisses
travel
different drummers, and moving to their beat
playing catch with whatever’s handy
the ocean
dark chocolate
sarongs
soap
my lawn, which is really a beautiful park
going barefoot
Coppertone
cold chocolate cake and a glass of milk
wishing on a star
hope
the fragrance library of Demeter
with apologies to Kevin Costner, long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days
my wrists
being forgiven
forgiving
Snake River Lager
the feel of a dog’s nose in the palm you my hand
honesty (it’s such a lonely word)
feeling good in my own skin
crab rangoon
Loralei Gilmore
El Guapo
old letters
antique cake stands
grande extra shot nonfat mocha easy whip
romantic comedies
the next chapter
Christmas Eve
Spanish
Trixie Belden
garlic
the music of the 70’s
my job
easy silence
Levi's button-fly 501s
two brothers named Mike
sterling
knitting as meditation
drive-in movies
choosing a path
crying when I need to cry
experiences that encompass all five senses
Lush
potato salad
falling asleep

10 on Wednesday, June 9

1. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with how much I love my actual brother Mike. I was over at Dad's over the weekend, and we decided to give him (Mike, not Dad) a shower. It's nice to be able to help Mike feel secure in a wobbly shower wheelchair made of plastic, but I was able to even make him laugh a little bit. We got him all nice and clean and smelling awesome. I'd wash his toes any day.
2. My dad, my sister Kathie and nephew Alex leave tomorrow morning for Hawaii. I hope they have a great time, especially my dad. At 81 years old, I love that he wants to travel. I especially love that he's finally taking that helicopter tour. Bon voyage, my dear ones.
   
3. Work is called work because it's work. Otherwise, they'd call it recess and you wouldn't get paid. But damn ... lately it's been more work than usual. Not complaining - love my job, love my co-workers, love having a job. But it's a stressful time of year. Bring on July.
4. Our tiny little not-for-profit, Choose Awesome, is sponsoring the Relay for Life at Elgin Community College this Friday and Saturday. I'm incredibly proud. I'm also walking on the Choose Awesome team. Truly looking forward to it.
5. Cats shed. A lot.
6. Sometimes going to the gym becomes a totally spiritual experience. Last night was one of those times. Everything just sort of fell into place, the energy was right and we had a magical hour of dancing. I'm so lucky.
7. Tomorrow (in Chicagoland, anyway) Jimmy John's subs #1-6 are only $1. I'm going with my co-workers. Nothing beats a $1 sammich. Well, several things do, but none that I can get on my lunch hour for a buck.
8. Yankee Candle has this smell called "Sun and Sand" that smells just like I remember my uncle Don's cabin smelling. The perfect combination of Coppertone and fresh air. You should get yourself one.
9. I am craving s'mores.
10. I have really been missing the water lately. It's been a long time since I've spent time lakeside, so I think in a few weeks I'll head North to Lake Geneva. I may not leave the shore for a few days.
    

10 on Tuesday, June 1

1. I love June. Summer makes me happy.
2. What a fantastic weekend! I was able to spend a lot of time either lounging poolside or driving with the top down. I keep sunscreen in my car out of necessity; I think that's the coolest thing in the world.
3. I'm slowly obtaining my summer glow. I know technically it's not healthy to tan, but I use as strong an SPF as I can (30) without breaking out in hella-hives, and I try not to relax out there for too long. I'm not going to spend the summer hiding in the shade.
4. Speaking of lounging in the sun, I came to an important realization on Sunday. I was at Polly's mom's pool, and it was hot and sunny. I had my swimsuit, so I decided to hop into it and cool off in the pool. Polly's cousin Jennifer was there, looking like her beautiful self, and by comparison I'm sure I looked like a sad whale. But as I told Polly, I'm over worrying about how I look. The truth is, I'm overweight. It's not like all of a sudden people will see me in a swimsuit and realize this! So why not take a dip with the kiddoes, relax on a lounge chair, and enjoy every gorgeous moment of summer? Why not, indeed.
5. I had completely forgotten that in Season Three of Moonlighting, the character of Sam is played by Mark Harmon. A very young Mark Harmon. The scene when David knocks on Maddie's door, intent on telling her he loves her, and Sam answers ... it's still heartbreaking after all these years.
6. Sometimes, no matter how hard ya try, ya screw up. The trick is to move on with some semblance of grace and dignity.
7. I really want more of those shishkabobs Polly made on Sunday.
8. The bad news: my scrubby soap thing melted in my gym bag. The good news: it smelled really good, and now everything in my gym bag smells like it. Not a bad trade.
9. It's vacation season and I'm not going anywhere. I wanted to, but airfare is just insane right now. So I'm going to let the money sit in my account and make more of itself for the time being. Besides, I need a new mattress and a new computer and lots of other things more than I need a vacation. I think.
10. Work is crazy in June. The people I work with are crazy in June, too. I fit right in.

Ten - May 26, 2010

1. I relented and put my little window air conditioner in the ... well, doy ... window. The temp climbed into the upper 80s this week, and from my swanky penthouse, it gets pretty steamy. Even with the a/c a'runnin', I can't get it cooler than 75 degrees. But there's a break coming, so it'll be off before we know it. And either way, I'm not complaining. I complain all winter long; I don't bitch in the summer.
2. Green tea mixed with lemonade is completely delicious. Occasionally, I add a splash of lime-infused rum, which just ups the anty a little bit. Tasty.
3. My nose is completely stuffed. I miss breathing. Actually, it's not so bad, except when I'm trying to sleep. I love sleeping, and I hate breathing through my mouth. Icky! Wah.
4. I spent the day last Sunday with the Ludena family - Polly, my old theater friend, her husband Marc, and their three kids - Ross (my Godson), Jack and Ro. Such sweet awesome people; love them! And the boys wanted nothing more than to ride in the back of Aunt Maggie's Jeep. Life is good. Got to see Ross and Jack in their program at church, have lunch with the family, and then see Ross and Jack in their piano recital. Their teacher was my Junior High choir director. (Cue the creepy animatronic puppets; it is a small world!) Had a blast, love the kids, and I really love the way old friends can come back to each other no matter how much time has passed.
5. Memorial Day weekend. Well, hello, summer ... you look good.
6. Boo-yah! At what age am I no longer allowed to say it? It's just so much fun!
7. On the financial front, may I have a drumroll please? I am no longer in default on my student loan. Within a few months, something good will actually be reported to the credit reporting agencies on my behalf. It's been awhile ... boo-yah.
8. There are storms in the forecast tonight. Yummy.
9. Today is my mom's birthday. She would have been 79. She was a witty, wonderful, wacky woman. I miss her every day ... even more during baseball season.
10. I don't believe ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is the one trait that really makes me crazy, because it's a choice. A little research makes all the difference between ignorant and not-so.
    

Habits - the good and the bad

I walked at lunch today. The sky is a clear and perfect shade of cerulean. The breeze is warm. The trees are brilliantly green and the two-mile trail is almost free of water after the flooding last week.

I go every day, at around noon, as long as there isn't a torrential downpour. It feels good. It's a welcome break from sitting at my desk. I smile almost the entire way. Today, I walked by myself because my walking buds were either busy or late, so I had time to myself to think. And I thought to myself, "This walking thing is a pretty good habit."

It's not something I've done on purpose. It started out as just a way to break up the day. It wasn't my intention to create a habit, but if you do something often enough, regularly enough, it just sort of happens.

As I rounded the first curve, around the pond at the corner of Devon and Mittel, I came to the harsh realization that that is simply the way life works. Do something often enough, regularly enough, and you have yourself a habit.

Which probably explains the low self-confidence I've battled my entire life, or why the bad stuff is easier to believe, even if I'm the only one saying it. It's a habit. I've habitually let myself believe the worst, and I've kept repeating to myself over and over.

You're not good enough. You're too heavy. You're not pretty. Your head is too big. (Okay, that one is true.) You don't deserve it. Everyone else is better, smarter, prettier and/or more talented than you.

I've heard the whispers. Most of them are mine; I am a master of self-doubt. But today, I heard other voices. You walk fast. You are powerful. You could totally knock the crap out of that creepy old runner guy. I'm going to start listening to them; that's a habit I'd like to cultivate.

Change ... it isn't always for the better

I have this friend who really isn't much of a friend any more.

I felt bad about it for awhile, until I realized I really didn't like him any more. Not the "like" of a 13-year-old girl, mind you ... nothing remotely romantic here. He'd just changed, and he's no longer someone I want to spend time with.

This particular friend thinks that, depending on the circumstances of the day, it's okay to cut in line. To basically step in front of 30 or so other people and put himself first. I confronted him; he told me I was wrong. He apologized, but only as a way to open up the conversation again.

Then he called me a bully. He told me people are afraid to call me out when I do things wrong. He should meet my sisters. Hell, he should meet most of my true friends.

Which got me to thinking ... first of all, he doesn't really know me. Second, he's just not the kind of person I like to spend my time with. I don't feel any particular animosity toward him, I just don't want to be in his toxic presence.

I worry, because I know he talks to other people I know. But my friends know better. The people who know me are above this seventh-grade bullshit. So I'm at peace, because I've grown beyond friendship with this person. And there's something quite freeing about that.

Second star to the right

There are lots of bloggers out there. There are a few bloggers who dedicate themselves to evaluating community theater in our area. I tend to disagree with either their assessments (because they are self-important blowhards) or their ethics (because they accept free tickets).

So, just this once, I'm going to use this space to publish a review. While I'm not a national champion actor (whatever that is) nor currently theatrically active in any capacity other than audience member, I believe my opinions are valid.

Last night, I saw K-Pax at the Geneva Underground Playhouse (GUP). I went with a group of friends who gathered at Bistro Thai two blocks East of the theater beforehand. (I won't review the restaurant here, but trust me ... try the yellow curry.)

The GUP is quickly becoming one of my favorite venues to see a show. It's small, so you experience performances in a way few theaters allow. And with a show like K-Pax, it's perfect.

K-Pax tells the story of Prot (Scott Surowieki), an alien from the planet K-Pax. A kinder, gentler planet, if you will. Prot finds himself admitted to Ward Two of a mental institution, and here we meet not only his psychiatrist, Dr. Gene Brewer (Pat Able) but the other patients in the ward as well.

And I just told a lie. I said K-Pax is the story of Prot, but I really don't believe that. K-Pax is about what you, the audience member, decide it's about. You get to decide. Is it about mental illness? The fragility of the human condition? Going beyond ourselves? All I can say is ... yes.

Surowieki relishes this role. There are moments when he seems to devour it ... literally. His approach to his character is full-on acceptance of who Prot thinks he is. Able, as Dr. Brewer, has the unique ability to blend in and let the character of Prot be the star of the scene. This, in my opinion, is the mark of a truly great actor - someone who is willing to fade and let his fellow cast member shine. Particularly difficult when only the two men are on the stage, yet Able does it with a grace not often seen ... at least not by me. His portrayal of Brewer (a character, incidentally, named after the playwright) provides the audience with an understanding of the comfort level his patients have with him. If I didn't know he were an actor, I'd hire him to listen to my problems. (Dr., I have this rage thing against certain bloggers ... )

The first resident of Ward Two isn't a patient, but nurse Betty McAllister (Angelicque Cate). Cate brought to her character facets of many different medical professionals I've met throughout life - the nurse who comforted me and the doctor who sympathized with me over loss, to name a few. Cate's portrayal made me believe she cares about her patients. And when there was a moment of levity, Cate seamlessly helped us find the laugh.

The other residents of the ward include Chuck (Steve Lord); Ernie (Russ Devereaux); Bess (Angela Bend); and Howie (Peter Lemongelli). We watch their stories unfold as Prot gets to know them, and there are some stellar performances here. Lord shows his comedy chops and his tender side as we learn of Chuck's losses and yearnings for more. Devereaux introduces you to Ernie in a way that breaks your heart and then puts it back together again as he faces his fear and moves past it. Way past it. Bend beautifully embodies the impact violence has had on Bess, and soon you find yourself rooting for her the same way Prot seems to be.

And then there's Howie. Lemongelli moved me to applause and to tears almost simultaneously with his portrayal of this damaged soul. Howie is a jewel just preparing to shine.

Actually, that description works for every patient of Ward Two. And it's Prot who points them toward their next steps, who ties the story together and who shows the impact one person can have on the lives of others.

The character of reporter Giselle Griffen (Kathy Richardson) is introduced in Act I, and I'm still not sure why. She doesn't move the story forward a great deal, and she doesn't help us understand the other characters. But Richardson has taken her character and created someone who, while possibly a candidate for Ward Two herself, is searching for her story as she writes it. There's a little bit of all of us in Giselle.

This is a true ensemble show, and the cast is a true ensemble. While Lemongelli gives a standout performance, he doesn't overshadow his castmates. What we have here is a collection of actors who clearly care more about their story - and each other - than they do about personally stealing any moment of any scene. I attribute this to great casting, great directing and quite simply great people. I'd like to have coffee with each and every actor in K-Pax.

Was there anything I didn't like? To be honest, scene changes dragged a bit. There aren't great transformations to be made on the set, and the show would flow more effortlessly if these could be tightened up. And while it was a tiny bit obvious that some dialogue was bungled early on during the May 14 performance, I have no doubt that the actors will correct this before their next performance; those errors generally happen only once. And while I'm on the subject, it did not go unnoticed that the actors steered the story right back on track, while including all the important information and remaining flawlessly in character the entire time.

So take my advice. See K-Pax. Let yourself be moved.

The fine print: I am not an unbiased critic. Several members of the cast are friends of mine. I've known the director since we were both young (and quite adorable, I might add). But I am also a very honest, very critical audience member. If I had the money, I'd pay for your ticket.

Ten on Tuesday - May 11 edition

1. Dull girl? Not a chance, but there’s a risk of life becoming (almost) all work these days. Lots of projects. Lots of deadlines. Lots of me pulling my hair out (which isn’t pretty because, let’s face it, at my age it’s already starting to thin.) But I’m capable, and I know where the coffeepot is. I’ll get through it; you just might not hear a lot from me until July.
2. I walked at lunch today, even though it was raining.
3. The Code stands strong. I have an ethical code that runs along my spine, and when challenged, Maggie gets cranky. My challenge is to learn to respect people whose ethical boundaries differ from my own. It’s not easy. That’s why they call it a challenge.
4. I hate my mattress and my couch. And my budget, which doesn’t currently allow for replacement. Not looking for a solution, just venting.
5. I love ending the day with a hot cup of something. Maybe it’s just because the nights lately have been super-chilly, but when 10 p.m. approaches and there’s cocoa or tea or decaf in my cup, I’m a happy woman.
6. Ground flax seed has the consistency of potting soil, but it makes my yogurt stick to my ribs so I’ll keep eating it.
7. Edy’s makes a S’mores flavor ice cream. You should eat it.
8. I spent Mother’s Day with my dad, and Patrick’s family. (Not at the same time, but in that order.) It was a lovely day. It was the first time being without Mom on Mother’s Day really hit me, maybe because this year we didn’t gather as a family. But it was good. It was exactly how it should have been. Time with Dad is a strong connection to family, and to the woman who was my mother. Time with Patrick’s family is loud and accompanied by great food. What more could you ask for?
9. Last week, co-worker Lisa and I put together some displays of jewelry and she photographed them for our magazine. We created something really quite pretty, and useful. It reminded me of the last-minute photo shoots for the feature page at the Daily Eastern News … except not.
10. When the money is tight, there’s nothing better than cheap food, shared with friends. Hell, that’s true even when the money isn’t tight.

A kinder, gentler driver

I love driving my car.

Tell me when you get tired of hearing that.

But I think the best part is that whole Wrangler brotherhood thing. Or sisterhood, what with the boobs and all. The Wrangler kinship, I'll call it.

It's simple, and I've written about it before - the way most Wrangler drivers acknowledge one another as we drive past. Most of the time, it's a wave. Often, it's a peace sign. Occasionally, it's a salute. I've even had a few blown kisses. (Incidentally, to date, every single Wrangler driver who has not offered some sort of greeting was driving what I consider the non-Wrangler. The four-door yuppified version. So it doesn't really count.)

Anyway, it always makes me smile, and today I got to really thinking about it. How cool is it that having one thing in common - the car we drive - makes us treat each other kindly? How incredible that we intentionally greet one another, simply because we all share a certain fondness for a particular type of automobile.

So here's what I'm thinkin': start waving at cars like yours. Drive a minivan? Be proud! Wave at other minivans! Own that mustang and wave at your fellow enthusiasts! Be truly edgy: drive a mercury Grand Marquis like my 80-year-old dad, and start waving at others who drive them.

Sure, most people will think you're a special kind of nutso. But ... what if it caught on?

It's been quite a week

I have never been quite so happy for Friday to come along. This week has absolutely kicked my ass. Anything that could possibly have gone wrong, has gone wrong. Some things that could not have gone wrong went wrong just to spite me.

Yeah, it's been one of those weeks.

And yet, I'm still smiling. I took my lumps - and there were plenty. As I told a co-worker this morning, there's plenty of room on the blame train for all of us, so let's just get on, ride to the next station, and leave the damn thing behind us.

Suffice it to say that I'm exhausted, and there's no real end in sight. Until maybe July-ish.

The best part is, even through the mayhem, I've kept my sense of humor. I've listened to good music, taken my lunchtime walks and left work on time every day but one. I've made it to the gym for all my regular classes. And today, co-worker Lisa and I walked to Dairy Queen at lunchtime. There's something quite decadent about eating ice cream in the middle of one's mid-day workout, don't you think?

I'm not saying it hasn't been a challenge. Au contraire, mon cher ... it's been moment to moment sometimes, in this quest to Choose Awesome. But I've done okay. And there's only one day left! I can see Friday from here, and I'm pretty damn happy about that.

Ten on Tuesday - April 27, 2010

1. Songs get stuck in my head so easily. It’s particularly annoying when they stay there all night long, and at 3 a.m. when I’m up peeing, they’re still blaring around in my noggin. Last night, the song was “Joyful Sign” by the band Girlyman. I fell in love with their music on Saturday night, when they opened for the Indigo Girls. Amazing music; they are awesome. (Girlyman, and the Indigo Girls.) But I digress … “Joyful Sign” is about the way sometimes people leave you, and sometimes, that’s a good thing. It’s my new theme song.
2. What a whirlwind! I drove up to Madison on Friday, taking a half day off. The drive was interesting, because a rusty hunk of metal fell off my car. I don’t know what it was, but Frank will tell me when I get el guapo in to see him later this week. Anyway, I drove to Madison. Hung out with Elaina and her husband Chris (yes, she married not one, but two men named Chris) and their two kids. Then we were off to the show, stopping for sandwiches beforehand (grilled veggies and provolone, how do I love thee?). Amazing show. I laughed, I cried. No, really. Then on Saturday, we had breakfast (Elaina made homemade chocolate chip pancakes) and then she, the kids and I ran my errands. Beer for co-worker Lisa, bagels for me, Sonic goodies for all. By the time I got home Saturday night, I was exhausted but happy. Life sometimes twists and turns, but somehow it brought together two women (who used to be married to the same guy) and turned them into friends.
3. I either have nasty allergies or yet another cold. Just sayin’. And complainin’.
4. My budget is a constant struggle. I spend too much money on food. I like good food. Good food is expensive. I should probably eat less!
5. I started walking outside during my lunch break. There is a two-mile walking path near the office, and I’ve been enjoying a little sunlight each day at noon. Heaven, and good for me, too!
6. I dislike people who think they are more important than other people. This probably annoys me more than any other attribute. We all share the same world, and no one is more important than anyone else. Even on my princess days, I know that to be true. Why is it such a difficult concept? Why do people think the rules apply to everyone except them?
7. It’s a little after 3 p.m. and I’m already looking forward to going to bed tonight. Yeah, I think I have a cold.
8. Sometimes when I’m driving to work and singing along to the radio, I’m pretty sure anyone who sees me thinks I’m having some kind of psychotic breakdown. Then I laugh and keep on singing (and playing the steering wheel).
9. When I talk to my dad on the phone, often my brother is in the background holding his own half of the conversation. It is hysterical hearing him repeat everything my dad says, milliseconds after Dad says it. He absolutely cracks me up. (For those who may be unaware, my brother Mike is my twin and has cerebral palsy. My dad is his caregiver – yet another reason he should apply for sainthood. Mom took care of Mike up until she got sick, and I will always believe that he has the best sense of humor ever created. It’s been an interesting life.)
10. Smile more. It doesn’t hurt, and it makes other people smile more. We could start a smile revolution!

Grace

I'm not perfect.

But then, you knew that.

I am a work in progress, with oodles of ways I need to improve. Two major areas spring to mind: my physical health, and my financial health. I've come a long way in both areas ... and yet, I have so far to go.

When I'm not perfect in either of those areas - which is most of the time - I struggle to find the grace to let it go. I'm 43 years old, the little voice inside my head tells me. I should have my financial house in order. I should have built a strong and healthy body. But I'm trying.

It's a struggle.

I'm heading out of town this weekend, and I feel guilty doing it, because I don't have as much money in the checking or savings accounts as I wish I did, and gas to Madison won't be free. To say nothing of the fact that last year at this time I was showing up regularly for court date after court date, dealing with the bankruptcy while simultaneously fending off lawsuits from creditors. To say nothing of the fact that I now actually have a savings account. I've come a long way, and it still doesn't feel like enough.

I only made it to the gym twice this week. I feel bad missing my Saturday morning workout, because I'm missing a regularly scheduled gym day. Yet I can't seem to acknowledge the fact that two years ago, I was about 70 pounds heavier than I am now. All I can see is the 70 I have left to go. Two years ago, I didn't pay any attention to what I ate because then I'd have to be accountable. Those days, for the most part, are over, and it still doesn't feel like enough.

I know the road to both destinations will be long and often tedious. I know that anything worth having is worth the hard work it takes to get there. But I have such a hard time giving myself the grace to enjoy the process. Because I know that it isn't about getting there; it's about the lessons you learn along the way.

I've learned a lot, but there is so much left to learn!

So for the moment, today, this weekend, I'm going to find a little grace to share with myself. I'm going to set a budget for myself, and I'm going to eat with care, and maybe even take a walk around one of my favorite cities. I'm going to soak up the joy of spending a day with a most unlikely friend, revel in some amazing music, and let myself enjoy myself.

I'm going to forgive myself for my mistakes, and accept the opportunity to not make the same ones again and again.

Ten, on Wednesday

1. I’ve got to be a wee bit nutso. I’ve signed up to participate in the Chicago Muddy Buddy Race on August 1. It’s a relay, and my partner is co-worker Mike. The race is seven miles of off-road running and biking, and we trade off tasks; while he runs I bike, then we work through an obstacle together, and then he bikes while I run. My goal is to finish it, and not get injured. Or, ya know, die. In all honesty, I’m really looking forward to it. It gives me something to look forward to, a goal to keep my eye on so I keep plugging away at my fitness goals. Power on, Team Inconceivable!
2. Which reminds me … I started logging my calories and workouts again this week. Which sucks when you eat a half-pound cheeseburger, but I logged the calories anyway. (And it was worth it, lemme tell ya.) My re-established goal is to be in good enough shape to do well in the race on August 1, and be at my goal weight by Christmas. After all … 2010 is the Year of the Maggie. Might as well get everything I can out of it!
3. Blame is a waste of time. Just freaking move on.
4. My cubicle at work is in the flight pattern for planes landing at O’Hare. Anyone who really knows me also knows this is a horrendous distraction. I do love airplanes. And fire trucks. Although the office is not located in proximity to a firehouse, so I don’t see them nearly as often as I do planes.
5. It’s almost smoothie season! I got out my Jamba Juice recipe book and I’m fixin’ to make some delicious breakfast smoothies once the weather is warmer. May I say, yum.
6. I am headed to Madison this weekend. Just overnight Friday, when my ex-wife-in-law and I will take in an Indigo Girls concert; I don’t want to drive back that night, so I’m couching it at Elaina’s house. I’ll be missing my Saturday morning workout, but I think it will be totally worth it. I hope to get to Brennan’s Market to pick up beer for co-worker Lisa, and Gotham Bagels for a little somethin’ for me. It’s a little overnight vacation, and I’m pretty much ready NOW!
7. In July, my cell contract will be up, and by then I am determined to go iPhone. I’ve wanted one for more than three years, and I’m ready to stop waiting. The Blackberry has served me well, but it’s just wrong for a Mac girl to use a phone made by someone else. I have spoken.
8. I have a hot-pink streak in my hair. Just on the underside, so it’s understated. Well, as understated as hot-pink hair can be. I was at my friend Millie’s house over the weekend, and she wanted me to do her hair (all over pink streaks) so we did that … and there was bleach and color solution left over. Had to happen, right? I think it’s neat, and maybe even a little bit fun.
9. I don’t drink enough water. I drink water all the time, and still it’s not quite enough. I want to get my eight glasses in before the end of the work day, so I don’t spend the night peeing instead of sleeping. So far, EPIC FAIL.
10. I signed up to get travel deal updates from Travelzoo. It’s torture. I found a six-night Aruba vacation for $600, including airfare. Seriously? I may need to opt out of the e-mails just because it’s starting to feel personal!

Six years

Sometimes it seems like only yesterday Mom was sitting in her chair, wearing her "Queen" robe and watching baseball.

Other times, it feels like she's been gone for ages. So much has happened in the span of those six years, it's hard to believe that's all it's been.

Six years.

When Mom was sick, I began teaching myself to knit. Chemo took her hair, and she wasn't the type to wear a wig, so she opted for scarves and hats. My goal was to knit her the softest cashmere hat anyone had ever worn. But she was gone too soon, and the "hat" - really just 20 or so rows on double-pointed needles - is buried in a Zip-loc bag, waiting for me to find the courage to finish it. I made other hats; oh, I've finished countless other projects. But that hat defeated me. She left before the rows of yarn became anything at all.

I remember the day I shaved her head for the first time. Her hair was falling out in clumps and it was time to just give up the ghost. Her skin was so dry, I rubbed her noggin with mineral oil to keep it soft. She'd lost so much weight, but she never lost her spirit.

I remember making her chicken soup. I learned to make it, just for her. And she liked it. I felt like I'd really accomplished something with that first pot. I felt horrible when some of it spilled on the floorboards of my then-husband's car. (Looking back I think it's funny that in the summer his car smelled like an old refrigerator.) But Mom loved it (the soup, not the smell in the car) and I was so proud to have made something that she wanted to eat.

There wasn't much she enjoyed eating. It's odd all the ways the chemo/cancer combo affects the body; her sense of taste was just a mess. There were just a few things she really liked - namely, my chicken soup and brother-in-law Bernie's cherry cobbler. Any time she asked for either, we would make it. I think we both felt honored.

One day, her legs were so dry and itchy, she was uncomfortable. So I got some emollient salt scrub - I'm sure it was Kathie's - and I sat with a basin of water and rubbed her calves with the scrub, sloughing off the dead skin and leaving behind some rich moisturizer to hopefully keep the dryness at bay for the day. Sitting on the floor washing my mom's feet, I felt the role reversal. She who had once bathed me could now use a little help. And once again I was overwhelmed with a feeling of honor for being able to care for her.

At the time, I was only working part-time at the bookstore at College of DuPage. I had a little time on my hands, having been laid off by my fulltime gig a few months earlier. So I spent a lot of time at the house I grew up in, letting the woman who raised me lean on me when necessary and relishing the opportunity to be there with her, sometimes just sitting in silence.

And then that day came, all too suddenly for me, and she was gone. I was left with memories, a great recipe for chicken soup and a half-finished hat.

I think this winter, I'll wear it myself.