This is a public service announcement.
Do not, under any circumstances, allow yourself to view the "movie" entitled There Will Be Blood.
Here ends the public service announcement portion of this blog post. The rest is simply details and closing arguments.
The movie should have been called There Will Eventually Be Blood, or Don't Hold Your Breath Waiting for the Blood or There Will Be Blood, but You're Gonna Have To Wait for 2.5 Hours.
I gave up $6.50 of my hard-earned money, and two and a half hours of my life, and for that I blame Daniel Day-Lewis. Fuck you, Daniel. Go steal someone else's kid. Go kick another minister. Go drink someone else's milkshake. Just don't come knockin' on my door. You suck.
Actually, he wasn't bad at the acting ... it's just that THERE WAS NOTHING TO ACT FOR. As Cute Brian (who is reading over my shoulder as I write this so I technically am required to call him "cute") pointed out, the desert made a good supporting character. And added just about as much to the plot.
There were about seven storylines, none of which actually intertwined with the other stories, and none of which were actually resolved.
I am a bitter movie-goer. I got sucked in by Hollywood, people, and I am not happy about it.
Best part of the evening? It's a toss-up: either trying to figure out which of our laughs Tina the waitress liked, or the post-movie pie.
Please, don't do it. Don't rent it, don't NetFlix it, don't pay-per-view it, don't let anyone, no matter how cute they might be, suggest that you should see it. Anyone who likes this movie is either blind, retarded, or European.
Or some funky amalgam of all three.