Wednesday, October 24, 2007

What you keep

I've been cleaning a lot lately. Some of the stuff that's in my storage unit has been there since I moved into the apartment in downtown Arlington Heights over a year ago, so it's time to go through it. If I haven't used it in a year, I probably don't need it, right?

Except the Christmas decorations. I didn't put them up last year, but I'm not tossing them yet. Besides, this might be the year. Will you come help me decorate?

Anyhoo, I got to thinking about stuff I've gotten rid of, and stuff I've kept. Somehow, that train of thought always brings me back around to Christopher. He "encouraged" me to get rid of a lot of stuff. My Fiestaware. Shoes ... how many pairs of shoes? Books, to make room for his. And I willingly did it, in the name of love.

But the stuff that I kept, and the stuff I've acquired since he left, is so much cooler. And by "stuff" here, I mean people. Sure, my collection of antique juicers is much smaller now than it was in the days B.C. (before Christopher,) but my collection of amazing, loving people is better than ever!

There are people I neglected during the marriage - most notably Kelly and Kevin and the kids, and Cute Brian. There are people who were on the periphery of my life but never allowed in, like Kim, and Mom Terry. And there are new people - Dale, Angel, Nemo, Elaina (the greatest ex-wife-in-law a woman can have!) and scores of others I'm just beginning to know. People whose warmth and love fill my life with incredible joy.

The amazing thing is, he might have taken my soul and my confidence with him when he left, but I can get that back, and I think over time I will. But he didn't really take anything else, except our bread machine. Most of the people refuse to choose sides, and those who have chosen, well ... I think they still wish him the best, even though they don't want to be in his life. So what did I really lose?

I lost a man who couldn't love me after the money ran out. I lost a man who chose to love someone else besides the woman to whom he promised forever. And yes, I lost some of who I am - the graceful, confident woman I once was. But I get to keep a new spirit, fueled by people whose love is boundless, whose energy is intoxicating, and whose faith in me inspires me every day. He lost the wonder that is me, and kept ... well, Her and Her Four Kids.

Live A.D. (after Divorce) really isn't half bad. And most of the time, it's all good.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

What are you throwing away?! Do I need any of it?

I am glad that I am not on the periphery anymore, it's so much cooler in the middle of it with ya!

Okay so he made you get rid of some of your antique juicers, can't we find more at the antique shows and rummage sales and just those days of bumming in the summer? Now that I know and now that Amber knows (she lives in St. Charles a lot of the time, very cool shops and sales there!) we can help you rebuild it better, stronger, way more cool.

Oh and he did NOT take your soul. (Unless it was in the bread machine) He can have the crappy confidence, because you have already started building better confidence.

And maybe the parts of yourself that you think you lost are gone to make room for the parts of yourself that you have now and will have in the future. Maybe they aren't lost, maybe they are in the bread machine...

I love you.

Now, tell me what you are tossing...