Just the facts

The latest from my downtown penthouse:

• I have a shiny new alternater. I also paid rent. Ergo, I am poor. Send beer.
• Have a very girly night planned with my friend Di. This must estrogen may not be good for me, but I'm looking forward to it.
• It's leap day. Have you lept?
• I was treated to a wonderful lunch at Wildfire. So good I want more. Mmm ... steak.
• This was a rough week, but I performed miracles and got everything done.

That's it, nothing earth shattering, just the lowdown on life in the mid-sized city. Be good to yourself. And to me. I wasn't kidding about sending beer.

Lucky

I love that there are people in my life who I can just visit and say "by the way, I'm spending the night." I love that my friends treat me like family and that I feel like I belong.

Today, I learned that other people feel that way about me, too. My friend Di is coming over on Friday night. She sells this really pretty line of clothing at home parties, kinda like Tupperware for clothes, and I was supposed to have a party at my place but no one could make it. But no big deal, Di is in for the fun, anyway. So she's gonna come to happy penthouse and we're going to the gym together, and then see a movie and go out for dinner. We're talking and she says to me, "Oh, and I'm spending the night, too."

My smile almost split my face in half.

It makes me so happy that I have a place where people feel at home. I love feeling like that at my friends' homes. I feel privileged to be able to offer them the same.

So, when are you coming?

Realization, reflection, reaffirmation

I made it to the gym again today. And by "made it" I actually mean "whew, the car made it there and back." Amber's my lucky charm - I swear talking to her on the phone post-workout made it go.

Anyhoo, as I was on the elliptical trainer this afternoon, I started thinking - a dangerous prospect, in and of itself. But it was good thinking. About halfway through the workout, I felt like I was on top of the world. I felt powerful. I felt like this little workout thing was a piece of cake, and I could damn well kick it up a notch.

It was an amazing feeling, especially considering how I've felt over the last week. Anyone who knows me also knows that I have this sort of love-hate relationship with my body. No matter what kind of shape its in, I can never seem to really dig it as it is. This probably explains the bulimia that damn near got the best of me in my 20's, the near meltdown on spring break 1997, my fear of bathing suits and the way my self-esteem seems to run directly inverse to my size. Trust me, I'm not proud of the way I've treated my body like Woodstock rather than the temple for which it was intended, but still and all I do what I can, and I try to look as good as I can.

For some reason, most boys are just too stupid to notice or care. Just last week, I got to spend some time with a fella I was kinda sweet on. It was great fun, until someone thinner and more beautiful walked in. Suddenly, the girl who isn't a perfect size six became invisible.

It was a horrible feeling. I cried a lot, and when I cry, it gets ugly. But eventually, I stopped crying, and started feeling better. There is only so much crying one woman can do, after all! And I started focusing on myself - how I feel about me, not how other people feel about me. It sounds selfish, but being invisible served as a stark reminder that, sometimes, it has to be all about me. There isn't a damn thing I can do about the fact that the boy behaved like a cretin, or the skinny girl garnered more attention than I. That's just life. But I can hang out inside myself, and figure out what's going on in there.

And today, halfway through my workout, it came at me like a flood. I love my body. It isn't perfect. It jiggles more than it should. It is lumpier than I'd like it to be. But it is also a work in progress. And throughout that progress, I am finding that my body is strong. My body is powerful. My body may not look beautiful, but it is. There is beauty in every curve, every muscle, and yes, every lump, because it's all me.

I am strong. I am powerful. (Sheesh, I'm starting to sound like Helen Reddy. Forgive me.) And yes, there is beauty here. Sometimes it hides, but it's always there.

Maybe you have to be kinda smart to see it. And maybe the boy in question is just a typical dumb guy. Poor sucker.

Weekend fun(k)

So I'm rediscovering how much I enjoy my own company. I'm not driving anywhere I don't have to go these days, because the Jeep needs a little love. It's pretty much work and the gym, and that's it. This weekend, it's been me and my feline roommates, and not much else.

Tried to go to Lake Geneva Friday night, because we were celebrating Kevin and Laura's birthdays. But the sensible side of me (yes, there is one) won out, because being stranded in Wisconsin without my wheels would suck. Believe me, I know. So here I stayed. Went to the gym on Saturday and had a fabulous workout. I love the gym on the weekend - it's relatively empty, so it's very enjoyable. I'll be going back today, as long as the car cooperates, and I'll treat myself to a sauna.

So with all this "Me-Time" on my hands, I've been reading, catching up on movies, chatting online with friends, knitting, cleaning La Casa de Maggie and doing a fair amount of chilling. I'm getting pretty good at it!

Because I got yelled at

My brother emailed me, just to make sure I was alive. That's his subtle way of telling me I haven't written anything in awhile. He's so very gentle. Gentle the way Hitler was gentle.

Anyhoo, it's been a helluva week. Between Dale diagnosing himself with pneumonia (although I can't seem to recall his graduation from medical school) and subsequently threatening to drown in a pool of his own phlegm to learning that Dad's bowel obstruction is nothing much to worry about to realizing that all men really are stupid, that's not just a rumor ... well, I've had a lot going on, and anything I might write would probably come off sounding bitter and cold.

So here's the big update from Maggie's World:

• Dale is still alive, as far as I know. This is due mostly to the fact that I don't live close enough to beat him to death on a whim.
• Brian has been working a lot. This has not worked well with my schedule, as I have needed to vent and he's not taking my calls.
• Boys suck, and not in a good way. The sonsofbitches need to realize that women's intuition is not an old wive's tale. We know stuff. And one of the things we know is that you don't deserve us, anyway.
• Dad is perfectly healthy, except for the leukemia, diverticulitis and ulcers.
• Friends don't want you to hurt. Sometimes they try to fix it, sometimes they don't understand it, but all the time they want the hurt to go away. And sometimes, ya just gotta feel it before you can get over it.
• I have the self-esteem of a gnat. It's been a bad week, one of those can't-get-out-of-bed, please-don't-look-at-me weeks. And yet, I keep getting out of bed. And people keep looking at me. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!

That's life here in Maggie's World. So, what's new with you?

Vacation, six weeks later, final installment

We have a tradition of taking it easy on the last day of vacation. We'll either go shopping, to the spa, or do a little fun recreation. This time, we rented a boat.

Captain Glenn drove the SS Dammitvacationsover through the Sasscagoula River, from Downtown Disney past our resort, Saratoga Springs, and all the way to Port Orleans. Along the way, we past beautiful scenery around every turn.

Captain Glenn at the controls.

The view up river. Isn't it just beautiful?

Here, we are passing one of my favorite resorts, Old Key West. I love the way you can almost feel the sun in this photo.

The Treehouse Villas used to be available for guest accomodations. I have always wanted to stay there and tap into my inner Peter Pan, but alas, they are no longer open to real people. Now, these awesome homes are used for temporary employee housing. I could always get a job there, I suppose ...

The Princess takes a tan.

Aunt Princess with Alex. We're squeezing the last bits of fun out of our trip.

We took a limo home. I love this picture, because Kathie has let her guard down and is just laughing like a real person. When she's not the Princess, her real beauty shows. Notice, though, the perfect crease in her jeans.

It was hard to come home - we had such a good time together. Sure, there were moments that were rough. I can't really look at the Polynesian Resort, because that's where Christopher and I got married. Kathie's inability to accept me as I am got a little old after awhile. But all in all, I brought home great memories of my family. Coming back was HARD!

Vacation, six weeks later, part three

On day four, we split up. Dad and the Princess went on a tour - I think it was the This Costs More Than Your Monthly Rent tour, so Alex and I decided to do other stuff. We went to Downtown Disney.

We had breakfast here. Which doesn't sound like a big deal until you realize this is a chocolate and ice cream shop. Yes, I had a hot fudge sundae for breakfast.

This shop made me think of friends back home. Dale and his bike, Larry who wanted me to pick up a t-shirt but never actually told me what he wanted, and Bruce who is the cutest combination of Jewish leprechaun biker dude.

Okay, so a day at Downtown Disney doesn't make for too may great photo-ops. Suffice it to say that our day included buying Alex a sweatshirt (with money I didn't have, but he "needed" it so how can the auntie say no?) and a trip to the movie theater to see (do not laugh at me) "Alvin and the Chipmunks."

Back off. It was cute.

Day five, we all went together to Epcot. Again, we split up a bit - Alex and I going on every ride, even the ones that demanded a dose of Dramamine, and Dad and the Princess eating their way around the world.

If you've never enjoyed a bit of Beverly, you're not missing anything. It's a Coca-cola product marketed in Italy as an aperitif. It tastes - and yes, I'm being serious here - like a mixture of Alka-Seltzer and Tide. And yet, every time I'm in Epcot, I have to have a taste. This may be a sign of mental illness.

Great ride - it simulates hang gliding, and it completely overwhelms you. Disney does it perfectly here, complete with the smell of fresh oranges as you "fly" over the orange groves of California. I love this ride.

They have completely overhauled what used to be "The Living Seas" pavilion in Future World. It now has a Nemo theme, but still has the most incredible exhibits, including the manatees and dolphins. I may never understand why they have a seafood restaurant here, though. See that aquarium? Yeah, we caught your dinner there.

Just one shot of World Showcase. I have always loved the pyramid in Mexico, and not just because the restaurant inside is beautiful. Has anyone else noticed that food seems to be a major theme of my vacation?

Vacation, six weeks later, part two

The second day of our vacation dawned cold. Like in the 40's. And windy. We were at the Disney Studios, and we were so cold we took literally zero pictures. We were too busy shivering, so you'll just have to take my word for the fact that we were there. We saw the "Beauty and the Beast" show, which was both cool and cold, and the highlight of the day was dinner, served in a warm restaurant.

Day three was Animal Kingdom. It is my favorite of all the Disney parks, because it is just so incredibly beautiful. Here are a few highlights from the day:

Here's Alex, being Alex. My mom taught him to cross his eyes, and then cautioned him that his face might freeze that way. Looks like he really doesn't care.

Coolest. Coaster. Ever. This is Expedition Everest, which is both indoors and out. You encounter the fierce Yeti as you attempt to scale the mountain. Alex and I went on it four times, even though it made me sick to my tummy. It's that cool.

The menfolk at our lunch table. We ate at a new restaurant called Yak & Yeti's. It was so good, we ate there for dinner, too.

I have a little crush on Br'er Bear. When I waved at him, he came over an hugged me, right in the middle of the parade!

The Festival of the Lion King show is one of my favorites. I tried to get a good picture of the tumble monkeys, but they move to fast for me! You'll have to see it for yourself.

A different kind of valentine

You can plan all you want, but sometimes it just doesn't work out.

Take, for example, my plans to spend Valentine's Day dinner with Patrick. Well, when the choices are A) Have dinner with a guy who's coming down with something when I'm just now getting over something or B) Don't, I took the high road.

Which left me on my own for the evening.

Sheer bliss, with the exception of the clogged bathtub.

I thought I'd like to have a nice dinner on my own, maybe watch a movie, and have a nice bubble bath. So I had to stop at the store to buy food for said nice dinner, and some Drano for the clogged bathtub.

The dinner was delish. The Drano didn't work. Which explains why I was wandering around Meijer at 9 p.m. in search of an auger to clear the pipes. Picture this: Girl, desperate for her candlelit bathtime, in shorts and a tank top and rubber gloves, trying to work the damn snakey thing into the drain. There's something in there that I just can't get past. Dammit all, anyhow.

Heavy sigh.

Now there's water and guck in my tub, so I had to let it ssssslllllloooooowwwwwllllly drain before I could clean it.

Thankfully, once it was clean, I decided it could just slowly drain agan after my bath. So there I was, at 10 p.m., submerged in the bubbles, surrounded by candles, drinking champagne and listening to Caribbean drums on cd.

It wasn't what I'd planned, but it was Valentine's Day with someone I love.

Vacation, six weeks later, part one

Hey, I wasn't in charge. All the pictures were on The Princess' camera, so I was at her mercy. But at long last, here are some pix of our New Year's celebration at Walt Disney World!

The flight was on time and everything!

My traveling companions - nephew Alex, sister Kathie (although she is not a nun) and my dad, Glenn.

We flew first-class. The flight attendant took this picture. Don't we look like we're already having fun?

My room. I like having my own space, so no one messes it up. Yes, I'm anal, even on vacation. Shut up, Mike. Now let's unpack and head to the Magic Kingdom!

Me with my favorite character EVER, Jiminy Cricket.

Me and my daddy. Can you see where the big head comes from?

Cinderella Castle. It's magic.

Forgive me, I know this is blurry. For the holidays, they light the castle with countless twinkling lights. It looked like it was covered in crystals. Breathtaking.

Love and other inexplicable phenomena

So it's Valentine's Day. February 14. The international day set aside to focus on love.

It's funny - in all the time I was married, living 24/7 in what should have been a happy romantic world, I never celebrated Valentine's Day. We were so cocky - we didn't need a special day to honor our love. We had Tuesdays, or May 19, or any other day. Trouble was, we didn't have Tuesdays, May 19, or any other day. The days just slipped by into nothing. The romance was gone as soon as we started peeing with the door open.

Our first Valentine's Day together, I received a gift. It came from Christopher by way of my first love, Patrick. He, knowing my erstwhile ex would simply let the day go by as if it was just another day, bought me a beautiful sapphire heart necklace, and gave it to Christopher to give to me.

It is still a treasure to me

That's not to say that one must receive gifts to make it a special day. A card, a song, a cup of coffee - all those things say "I love you" just as well as jewelry, a fancy dinner, or a shiny red Mustang in the driveway (although I may have to reconsider the whole Mustang thing.)

This is my second Valentine's Day since he moved out. It's been a roller coaster, to say the least. There are moments when I wonder how I survived, when I remember the weeping, the begging, the shadow of a woman who didn't think she could survive without my husband. And I also remember the people to pointed out my strength, my support system, my reasons to move forward in this crazy endeavor we call life.

Sometimes, it still sucks. But most of the time, I revel in the strength, support and humor I've found over the past two years. (Of course, it doesn't hurt that the woman my ex is waking up next to these days came with four kids and a face only a blind mother could love.)

So today, I choose to celebrate true love, something I wasn't able to find with the man I married, but seem to find in abundance in my "real" life. To those of you who have showered me with love over the last few years, you truly saved my life, and for that I am forever grateful. And I am pleased to report that tonight, I will be dining with my first love, Patrick, the man who taught me how I deserve to be loved.

Lucky for me his partner, Ed, is working tonight.

Smiling today

I awoke to a beam of sunlight poking through the curtain. Blue sky. Sunshine. February doesn't look nearly as dreary today. 

Automotive disarray and personal fraud

So it was a helluva weekend.

I'm home now, after dealing with mechanical hell. I love my car. It's been extraordinarily good to me - never crapped out when I was unemployed, never really causing me any unexpected trips to the mechanic - until now. So I think it's worth it to invest a bit of cash into the old girl. And yes, I've decided she's a girl, named Craig.

See, we don't know what's wrong with her. She won't act up around the people who can fix her. She's just putting up a brave front and not telling anyone what's wrong. It's as if she looks at the guys and says "I'm FINE!" when they try to diagnose the problem. So it'll have to get worse before it gets better, but for the moment, anyway, I'm still driving.

It felt very good to walk into my apartment tonight. I really do love my home, and I miss it when I'm not here.

I was talking to a friend tonight who is having some relationship troubles. She wanted to talk to me because she says I am deep, philosophical, a good listener ... and as she's saying these things, I felt like an incredible fraud. I'm thinking to myself, maybe she just hasn't figured it out. Maybe I've made the right impression and it stuck.

I have that same feeling at work, sometimes. I'll get a challenging assignment and I'll be excited about it, until I really think about it and start to wonder if I'm good enough. Maybe, just maybe, I've pulled the wool over everyone's eyes, but soon they'll discover I'm just a fraud.

I hope that's not true. I hope I am authentically good at being a friend, and good at my job. And I also hope that, some day, I won't feel like such a fraud, and I'll believe all the nice things people have to say.

Enough with the crap, already

So reading the title of this post, you might think I'm talking about the snow. But you'd be wrong. Sure, we've gotten a shitload of the stuff this week, but I'm dealing okay.

Nope, the crap I'm tired if is cancer. It's not enough that it took my mom, most of my grandparents, my other mom, the father-in-law I hardly knew but love anyway. Now it's got my sister in its grip, and it's trying to hold on.

You may recall that my brother is a bone marrow match for my sister, which is all well and good, but lately her numbers are way off. I'm not a doctor, but I do know that when things are out of whack, it ain't good. Well, we found out yesterday that the cancer is pretty aggressive, and in a couple months they will check again and re-evaluate. If Luke (that's what I call the cancer - Luke Emia) hasn't started to behave by then, we'll be looking at chemo, and then a bone marrow transplant.

If that doesn't suck, I don't know what does. First of all, she has gorgeous hair. Second of all, I've seen what chemo can do to a person. It can be pretty ugly. I hope my sister's up to it. And third of all, enough already!!! I realize that if you live long enough, you're bound to get cancer, but this is ridiculous. Jenn's pretty young (45-ish) and super healthy, except for the whole cancer thing.

It just sucks. So if I could ask a favor of you, gentle readers, say a prayer to whomever you believe in, that Jenn would have the strength to get through this with her sense of humor intact, and that her husband might somehow become supportive overnight. And while you're at it, the whole family could use some wisdom and courage. If we're gonna get through this, it's gonna be together.

Dinner

There's something about old friends who show up with pizza and a movie on the night of a nasty snowstorm.

Especially when they leave the leftover pizza.

Life is too short ...

• to scowl when you can smile
  
• to save the sexy underwear for occasions when it might be seen
  
• not to have a theme song. (Mine? "She Will Have Her Way" by Neil Finn)
  
• to get caught up in the stuff you cannot influence
  
• to ever say no to cuddling
  
• to forget where you came from
  
• not to take a detour
  
• to deny wanderlust
  
• or just plain lust
  
• to withhold forgiveness
  
• to try and fit into someone else's mold
  
• not to celebrate every gorgeous moment
  
• to let a little thing like geography keep you from the people you love
  
• to wonder why you're not happy
  
• to keep it to yourself
  
• to spend it without the company of furry critters
• to turn down a dance
• to wish the past had turned out differently
• to eat inferior chocolate
• not to say "I love you" every time you mean it

The back row of a dark theater

I love movies. They make me happy. The only thing better than a movie is a movie with someone I love. 

So last night, Cute Brian came by and we thought maybe we'd catch a couple of flicks. (He described it as a "double-header." I thought that sounded naughty. And btw to Kelly, he has facial hair these days. Seriously dishy.) We were going to se "Juno" and then perhaps "Cloverfield."

There's something about being an adult and choosing to sit in the very back of the movie theater. All the kids think you're up to something. Juno is one of the very best movies ever. It make me laugh, it made me cry, and made me feel all kinds of stuff in between. I loved it. I'd see it again in a heartbeat.

Then we went outside for a smoke break (before you reprimand me, Kelly, it was Brian's smoke break, not mine; I was the charming company) and then got tickets to see "Cloverfield."

I only made it through about 10 minutes of the second feature of the evening. Patrick told me it would make me sick (because evidently it's an artistic decision to create a film that looks like it was shot by a first year blind art student) and he was right. So we abandoned our seats (once again in the back of the theater) and went back to Chez Mags.

Have you ever seen the movie "Skeleton Key?" We watched that on DVD back at my place, and it was really quite unexpected - very good, and not just because it didn't make me nauseous. Plus, there's something about drinking cocoa on the sofa while watching a movie. You'll get no complaints from me.

Thank heaven I'm flexible

So, big weekend planned. I was going up to Lake Geneva for karaoke, and then of course to see the snow sculptures and go tubing.

None of that happened. (Cue the collective "awww..." from readership.)

No, instead my brother chose Friday to stop being able to breathe. Not literally, and not permanently, but my brother Michael was having issues breathing, so Dad took him to the hospital.

For those of you not in the know, Michael is my twin, and he was born with cerebral palsy. Yes, my twin is retarded. Big shock, eh? Not to worry if you feel the need to find the irony or make a joke. I've made them all already. Anyway, a few years ago, Mike was on an outing with a group from his school (which really isn't so much a school as it is a group of other retards) and his chaperone stopped paying attention to him and Mike went down the stairs. The big, concrete stairs at Phillips Park. Which doesn't sound remarkable, except Mike can't walk. 

Ergo, downstairs is a trip he ought not take. Long story short, he pretty much shattered his nose (which wasn't small to begin with) and was seriously banged up for awhile. And that's why he goes to the hospital when he can't breathe right, because A) he can't really explain what's wrong or what he's feeling and B) the doctors worry that a rogue bone chip or something may be hanging around in there and causing problems. 

But not this time. No, it looks like a simple case of respiratory infection and/or pneumonia. (When Dad first told me, he said "walking pneumonia." I about crapped myself.)

So I decided to stay home instead of heading north, and it's probably for the best, although I miss my friends and my karaoke and my snuggling and my winterfest. So I guess it's a good thing I'm flexible, and can roll with the punches, so to speak. It's also a good thing that I have friends around here, too, who keep me out of trouble (or join me in causing it.) It's shaping up to be a spontaneous movie night, complete with cocoa, minty goodness, and Cute Brian. Yes, Kelly, I'll tell him you say hi. 

What I know for sure

• It doesn't matter whose blood runs through your veins; the people who love you unconditionally are family.
  
• A dog's wet nose in the palm of your hand can cure just about anything.
  
• You are never too old to make snow angels, start a snowball fight, or catch snowflakes on your tongue.
  
• Home is where your people are.
  
• A well-stocked pantry equals peace.
  
• Living just a few blocks from a movie theater has its benefits.
  
• You can try to snuggle yourself, but it's not the same.
  
• People who can't keep promise suck big time.
  
• People who don't love animals probably won't click with me.
  
• Marshmallow peeps are yummy in cocoa.
  
• If both of you eat garlic, the kisses are fine.
  
• I've never given birth, but I have lots of kids.
  
• David danced.
  
• Life is too short to be pissy in traffic.
  
• Cozy socks make for cozy Saturday mornings.
  
• Chocolate chip cookies are good for breakfast.
  
• True happiness is a combination of love, laughter, and grilled cheese.
  

Quote of the Day

From a review of the new film Over Her Dead Body:

"Eva Longoria brings a Jennifer Lopez level of suck to the screen."