Thankless

In my past life, I worked in both design and writing. I wrote, and then I made it look pretty. I was both a verbal and visual communicator.

But not anymore. Today, I am a writer. It's a simpler life. It's easy to describe. "I write for a jewelry company" is so much easier to understand than "I write and design for a global chemical company specializing in water treatment and paper process chemicals, including dry and wet strength resins."

I'm a writer. That's it. I come to work, I sit in my darling cubicle, and I write. All day long. I love my job. As you've probably noticed, I like to write. It's a pretty good arrangement, all things considered.

Except for this one little thing: there's no "wow" factor.

As a designer, your work gets noticed. People thank you for making their messages look fantastic. They think you're a magician. They understand the art in what you do. But, since everyone can write at some level, there's no "wow." No one notices your work unless there is something wrong. The highest compliment a writer generally receives is hearing nothing at all.

Some days, that's just hard. We launched our new corporate Web site today, and even though I wrote a whole lot of the text that's out there, it's the designers that are getting the pat on the back. Granted, it looks terrific, and I would never take that away from them. But let's face it - without my words to work with, there's no site.

So I'm gonna take myself to a movie tonight and celebrate the fact that no one complained that the writing was bad. Yay me - I don't suck a lot.

Playlist

I used to start listening to Christmas music immediately after Halloween. After all, this is good stuff; why should it be relegated to only one month of the year? But over the last few year, seeing the decorations go up right after back-to-school comes down has been a bit disconcerting. Christmas music is special because you only hear it for a defined period of time, so this year I waited until Thanksgiving.

And I just can't get enough. Here are some of the festive tunes eminating from the iPod during this season of peace, love and Starbucks peppermint mocha:

• Do They Know it's Christmas by Band-Aid
• The Little Drummer Boy by Bing Crosby and David Bowie
• Santa Claus is Comin' to Town by Bruce Springsteen
• Feliz Navidad by Daphne Rubin-Vega
• It's In Every One of Us by Dayna Manning
• Little Saint Nick by the Muppets (yes, the Muppets)
• Sing, Mary, Sing by Kathy Mattea
• Celebrate Me Home by Kenny Loggins
• Just One Night by Mac MacAnelly
• River by Sarah McLachlan
• Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses
• Christmas Eve, Sarajevo by the Trans Siberian Orchestra

There's more ... but that's what's playing now. Fix yourself a cup of 'nog and tell me what you're listening to!

And Colleen said ...

ok, I LOVE CHRISTMAS MUSIC!!! Mike can't stand it and I can't get enough. I have been listening to it in the car since Thanksgiving. It just makes me in the mood for this season of love and family and friends. On Dec. 1st it starts getting played in the house. Chase and I are so excited! Merry Christmas!

Clearly, this is just another reason why I love Colleen!

The best laid plans...

Today, I was supposed to be at Kaylee's offical first birthday party. My car had other plans.

Dale says it's the thermostat. Dad says it could be radiator-related. I say it sucks, because I'm friggin' stranded.

On the one hand, I feel very grateful I didn't have a problem on my way to lovely Gillespie, Illinois, four hours from here. On the other, I'm a little disconcerted by the fact that I've spent the entire day alone in my apartment.

Alone. I'm still not good at the alone thing. At least not when I wasn't expecting it.

I went to Target and found a pink rug for the kitchen. Yes, pink. It's pretty. But that's about as much fun as I've had today. NOT what I wanted, NOT what I planned.

I missed monkey cupcakes, family and Della's special brand of hospitality. I missed the kind of unconditional love that only this family can offer. I missed my Charlie hug. (I did not, however, miss Hunky Mike, Bird's husband, because he wasn't there. Whew!) But most of all, I missed Mike and Rae and Kaylee, at the first big gathering of our extended family. That makes me sad.

But I will have my car looked at and it'll all be better soon. For the moment, I'm going to get back to wallowing.

Blessed

Thanksgiving with my family was the best gathering we've had since before Mom got sick. I don't know what it was - the warmth of home, the chardonnay, the Christmas music - but we all got along in a way I can hardly remember. After the dishes were done, we girls sat around the table with Dad (Mike & Bernie were watching football) and laughing - just laughing practically nonstop.

The food was good, but the company was better. I felt blessed to be part of the family. I felt part of the family. It's been a long time.

Torture for no good reason

I went to the gym, but it was closed. My pre-emptive strike against the pumpkin pie didn't work, so I headed home to do a bit of cleaning before heading over to Dad's for the feast.

And for some stupid reason, I started poking around on my computer.

I found my instant message history between Christopher and I. And may I just say ... ouch.

How can two people go from "I love you, and I just thought you should know" in October of 2003 to "i do not know how to give you what you need and still keep my sanity and self-respect" in January of 2006.

It still breaks my heart. And yet I continue to read. Maybe one day, this failure will make sense. Maybe one day, I'll figure out where the lies began. Maybe one day, I won't feel like the wind's just been knocked out of me, remembering how it felt to be loved and then have it disappear so quickly, it's like it was never there to begin with.

Maybe one day. But today, it's torture and turkey.

Thankful

So it's Thanksgiving. The perfect opportunity to express my gratitude for the things that make life what it is. Some are deep and profound, some are just ... well ... not. This is by no means a complete list, but it is a start.

• My job (after 13 months without one, you'd better believe I'm thankful!)
• Hot cocoa with schnapps and whipped cream
• Rosemary mint shampoo
• People who "get" me
• Giggles
• Looking someone in the eye
• Kisses
• Hugs
• Old friends
• New friends who feel like old friends
• Good music
• Memories
• The ability to smell snow on its way
• Coffee
• Bagels and cream cheese
• Sunsets
• The sound of footsteps - crunching in leaves or snow, click-clacking on pavement, or padding barefoot on the hardwood floor
• The unconditional love of animals ... and rare people
• Truth
• Wanderlust
• Stuffing
• People who don't expect me to be perfect
• Pedicures
• Soft wool yarn
• My nieces and nephews
• The sauna at the gym
• Not missing the lesson
• Road trips
• Sushi
• Tequila
• Hardrock, Koko and Joe
• The hopefullness of Cubs fans
  

And there's more ... much more ... but for now, that'll have to do. Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving Eve

Nothing much to say today, except happy Thanksgiving! May you know you are appreciated by those you love.

Ch-ch-ch-changes (with apologies to David Bowie)

Most of the time, change is good. Diapers spring immediately to mind. But smelly diapers aside, change can be scary. But as a rule, change is not the enemy. Change, I believe, is inevitable, yet friendly.

Most of my true friends have been around for awhile. People tend to come into my life and stick around for awhile. Patrick's known me for 27 years. Kelly's known me for 25 (unless you ask Marge, who'll tell you it's 35, but I swear to you I did not meet Kelly when I was six.) Kevin, about 20 years, Mike and Cute Brian and Di, 12 years, Rae, 11.

We've all seen each other change. We've seen each other become professionals, spouses, parents, crazy, rejected and lost. We've stood with each other through the good and bad, through death and the creation of life. I like to think we've grown together.

Often, when people leave our lives, the explanation is just two little words: "You've changed." Well, thank God for that. Imagine how much it would suck if we hadn't! Of course I'm thinking about when Christopher said those fateful words to me, and allow me to be the first to say "duh!" In the best of situations, people change, and my situation at the time was something less than the best. I was bound to change.

I've changed? Funny, but Patrick, Kelly, Rice, Brian, Rae, Di, Kevin ... they've seen me through the changes. And I've watched them change, too. The changes have brought us closer together. The changes have certainly kept things interesting over the years. So to my old friends, thank you for changing and growing with me. And to my new friends, I look forward to changing at your side. And to those who leave because we've changed, well ... may they one day come to terms with the fact that change is not the enemy. Change is merely the path we take to what's next.

Time may change me, but I can't trace time.

My brother is hitting on me

Rice and I have a long history of pain. We've been hitting each other for 11 years, like any good brother/sister combo. But this time, I have proof.

Are you okay?

That's what Racheal asked me last night before we turned in. We'd been talking all day long - catching up, filling each other in on our lives. This is the first time both Mike and Rae have been in my home since it ceased to be "our" home - the first time the single Maggie hosted the Tucson family since the untimely demise of what once was a marriage.

And of course, there were tears. They creep up on me at the most unexpected of moments, mostly when these extraordinary people remind me of who I was when I was at my best, when they tell me honestly that it was I who brought the fun, and Chris just came along for the ride, that they loved him because I loved him ... and I'll leave you to interpret that however you choose.

"Are you okay?" the sister of my heart asked. "Why?" I wanted to know. "Because your eyes are shiny," she said. "And I just need to know that you are okay."

Not "Stop crying," not "Get over it," not even, "Because you're crying and I'm worried about you." No, just an acknowledgment that my eyes were shiny, and what I was feeling matters to the people who love me.

What I couldn't figure out how to say last night was how grateful I am that, once again, the people who know me best are there to offer me a soft place to fall, a shoulder on which to cry, and more laughter than can be contained in one small downtown apartment. But this time, they brought something more. They brought me an amazing bundle of living breathing goodness named Kaylee.

I love getting to know my niece, to revel in the wonder of what she will become, to listen to her gurgly laugh and hear her utter "mommy" when you least expect it. But most of all, I love the fact that it's damn near impossible to feel hopeless when Kaylee is in your midst, Racheal is in your kitchen, and Mike is cracking jokes.

This is family. This is where I come from. This is who I am.

I sense a shaky theme

I've been out of touch for a day or so, because once the Tucson Contingent arrived, they pretty much had all my attention. For the last 24 hours (which I think you double and add 30 to figure baby hours ... or is the metrics?)

I've been happily ensconsed in the kind of love that only comes from Rice. And we're talking people named Rice, not the grain. Although a good bowl of rice pudding can be pretty comforting.

Anyway, we shook the baby, and then the baby had a shake. I'm comforted by the knowledge that Mike & Rae will probably always visit me as long as I live where I live, because A) it's near the airport and B) it's near a White Castle. So without further ado, I give you: an afternoon with Kaylee.

I apologize for the less-than-stellar quality of this video, but A) Mike was sitting in front of the window and B) I shot it on my phone.

They don't lick floors, do they?

So I'm down to counting the hours now. Mike, Rae and Kaylee will arrive at Chicago's lovely Midway Airport at around 11 in the morning. Give them time to get off the plane, get the luggage, pick up the car and drive to Chez Mags, I should be seeing them for a late lunch.

The house is clean, sort of. The important stuff is done - all the switchblades have been picked up from low shelves, the tequila's off the coffee table, the porn is in the closet (not that it's gay porn...) and there are toys for Kaylee to play with/drive mom & dad nuts with. The floors are reasonably clean. Reasonably, meaning there aren't any measurable dust bunnies. However, I wouldn't eat off of it if I were you.

So I'm thinking ... babies put everything in their mouths. Do they also put their mouths ON everything? Because if babies lick floors, we might be in trouble.

We had joy, we had fun ...

... we had seasons in the ... SNOW?

You have got to be kidding me. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm embracing autumn, and winter, too, but it's November, people. And yet, on my way into the office this morning, there they were.

Flurries.

There came Suzy Snowflake, dressed in her friggin' white gown.

So tonight I got out my winter gear. Gloves? Check. Coats? Check. Scarf? Crap, I think I left it at Kelly & Kevin's last weekend. If you see my half brown/half cream scarf, will you put it on my shelf?

But not to be left with a cold neck, I knitted a quick one, and it's kinda cool - more like a big neck tube than a scarf.

This was officially night two of the knitting season. I have hats to make for my nieces and nephews, mittens to make for my sister (if only I can remember how to do the thumb so it doesn't come out the wrong side of the left hand this time,) and a couple of surprises for some others on my list. (Don't tell Jenn, but she's finally getting her cable-knit pillow.)

I'm ready. You hear me, winter? I will not be defeated. I'm going to have fun! I'm going sledding, and skating, and I'm gonna build a snowman outside my office window if I have to wait until the entire building is empty. Because summer shouldn't get all the fun. And in the winter, you get to come inside afterward and snuggle, and wear flannel, and drink cocoa (with a little love stirred in, if ya know what I mean) and build a fire and think warm thoughts. There is fun to be had, and I want in on it!

Two more get-ups

Since I was a wee one, I've counted the time until something cool happens in "get-ups". Not days, get-ups. As in, how many times will the alarm ring before I get a treat? If there are two weeks until I leave for Disney World, there are really only 10 get-ups, unless I have something I need to get up early for on Saturday or Sunday. See? Get-ups make the time seem closer.

There are only two get-ups until my Tucson family comes to visit. I already got up today, so it doesn't count, and I won't set an alarm for Saturday, I will probably just roll out of bed when the doorbell rings to tell me they're here!

I explained to the cats last night that we were expecting company. I don't think they really give a damn. Benld basically looked confused (although it's hard to tell; he never looks particularly wise) and went back to sleep - see illustration. And yes, he sleeps with a pillow. Josie, mystified as to why all the linens at Chez Mags were getting washed, seemed to think she was getting her own apartment in my cedar chest. I contemplated closing the lid, but thought better of it.

So in just two more get-ups, I get to see one of my favorite branches of the family. I can't wait to see them, to hug the adult-like ones, and to squeeze the baby-like one, to wake up on Sunday morning and have coffee with two of my favorite people in the world. Oh, that reminds me. Need to get cinnamon rolls.

another manic monday

Today was just plain nuts. Waited all day for the cable guy. We had an appointment between 8 a.m. and noon.

They arrived at 3:08, and actually made it into Chez Mags at 3:32.

But I have a phone, and high-speed Web access, and more than one channel on television, so I shouldn't complain.

After a long weekend away, it was kind of nice to have an unexpected day at home. And just now I realized that I won't have another full work week until December, because we have Thanksgiving next week, and I'm taking November 30 off because Kaylee's first birthday is a national holiday (and you're all invited to come over that night and help us decorate Kaylee's First Birthday Tree, which looks suspiciously like my Christmas tree.)

So anyhoo, I'll be back in the swing of my usual routine tomorrow, but for the moment I'm feeling pretty good. It's been a long time since my home was wired as if it's the year 2007. I've had to crawl back from what seemed for awhile like it was going to be a constant state of poverty, and while I'm still a long way off, I'm going to enjoy the moment.

Even my spleen hurts

Tonight, I was re-named "Aunt Whatev." It was my niece Aubri's birthday party. Still is, in fact. It was held at the roller rink in Delavan, and everyone re-convened back at Kelly & Kevin's house for cupcakes, snacks, games and a sleepover. The cupcakes were my personal creation - chocolate cupcakes filled with chocolate ice cream and covered in chocolate frosting. It's what Aubri asked for, and it's an Aunt's job to fulfill her niece's wishes. Kelly thinks that by indulging her every request means I'm making the child high maintenance. I think it's only high maintenance if I actually got dry ice to keep them frozen while at the rink. I didn't do that.

I'm up to my armpits in teenage girls, and a couple of teenage boys. Turns out, I've still got it. I think a 14-year-old boy by the name of Steven had a little crush on me. We skated. And skated. And skated. After I took a few turns around the rink, my mother-in-law, Marge, and my ex walked in. My legs started to shake. I prefer to think it was because the sensation of skating was something relatively new to me, but I have a sneaking suspicion it was due (in part, at least) to the fact that Christopher showed up when he wasn't expected to be there. But I just kept skating. I fell once - bounced on my fat ass, and felt it right up to my head. But I had a blast. Not falling, but skating.

It occurred to me on the way home that I had a way better time then Christopher did. I skated, I played with the kids, I tapped into my inner child and just reveled in the joy of being with friends young and not so, just being the goofy people we are. Two years ago, when I wasn't yet aware that my marriage was over, I wouldn't have skated. I would have stuck at Christopher's side, regardless of my own desire to be in on the fun. Have no fear: that side of me has been retired. My life now is way too much fun to go back.

Kelly and I shared a couple's skate. Jason and Aimee skated together, and how cute are they? I think they have a crush on each other. Kevin won the Pepsi Stretch, Aubri did great at the Limbo, and I think everyone but Amber fell at least once.

So now we're back home, I have a beer (the first of several, I'm sure) and I'm relatively certain I am going to wake up in the morning wishing I'd had the good sense to say "no" to skating. But it was worth it.

Random quote from my life

So last night I'm talking to Mike on the phone. And he says:

"Where the fuck is my baby?"

Classic.

Sounds like inspiration for a haiku:

kaylee crawled away
"where the fuck is my baby?"
stupid stupid dad

Why I love my other brother Mike

Please note: this really isn't a blatant suck-up prior to the big Thanksgiving visit. Really.

I met my other brother Mike in 1995. I think we met the same night I met Cute Brian. There were Frisbees. And olfactory injuries. But Mike and I didn't actually bond until one night when he walked into the newsroom and explained that he needed to drive to Champaign (we were in Charleston, about an hour away) because that's where the nearest Kinko's was.

I tossed him my keys. Sure, I didn't really know the guy, but he needed a car, and I had one. Seemed like a no-brainer to me.

We've been close ever since. He named my car (Lolita, because she had a little shimmy in the front end) and became my brother in the span of about a week. Seriously, he couldn't be more my brother if we were actually related. His family loves me unconditionally, and includes me like a sibling and daughter ... sometimes even better than my "actual" family. And both he and I admit that while we share an emotional connection, we find one another physically repulsive.

See? Brother/sister.

So yesterday I was talking to my sister Pat, and she asked me if Mike and Rae would be visiting with the fam when they're in town. "I just want to see that cute baby!" she said. (I'm sure that will make the parents happy!) I relate that story to Mike, and what does he say? "Whether we visit with your sisters or not will depend entirely on how they treat my Maggie."

HA! We will withhold Kaylee privileges if my sisters don't play nice! Isn't it just like a brother to do that? The truth is, I always wanted that kind of brother - the kind who sticks up for me, tells me when I'm being a bitch, isn't afraid to punch me in the shoulder (the actual shoulder, not the boob,) drinks beer with me and lets me chew on his kid's cheeks. It only took me 30 years to find him. And because he had the good sense to marry one of my other best friends, getting together with family just makes my soul smile.

And they're gonna be here in a week! I can't wait!

Quote, Unquote

An oft-used phrase that drives me crazy, Quote Unquote is rarely used correctly. How many times do you hear stuff like this:

My brother says he's going to quote unquote kick my ass at guitar hero.

Which would look like this when transcribed:

My brother says he's going to " " kick my ass at guitar hero.

No, gentle reader, one would correctly say:

My brother says he's going to quote kick my ass at guitar hero unquote.

Which really has nothing to do with the point of this post. Which just goes to show, sometimes I get off on a tangent before I even begin to write.

I wanted to share with you one of the most beautiful quotes I've heard in awhile. What makes this one even more special is that it's not something from Maya Angelou or Benjamin Franklin. It's from someone real in my life, someone I love.

"I'm (quote unquote?) so lucky to have my friends in my life."

There's a universal truth for you. Our friends reflect back to us the best of ourselves. They magnify our joy, they minimize our pain. They offer a soft place to fall when the world is hard. Over time, we're there for each other this wild give-and-take we call life. We offer balance, support, encouragement and love. That's the mark of family, whether your blood runs through my veins or your spirit flows through my heart.

I, too, am lucky to have my friends in my life.

And you can quote me on that.

Heroes, flannel and jet lag

Most people observing my weekend would think "Boring." I disagree; for me, it was perfect.

Friday night and Saturday, I did some fall cleaning. It's like spring cleaning but more fun, because in the fall you get to figure out where the Christmas tree is going to go.

Hey, that gives me a nifty idea. When the Tucson contingent is here, we should put up my tree. That would make me happy. Putting up the tree alone would make me sad, but putting it up in a house full of love would be awesome.

I also got out my fall/winter clothes. I need to have my winter coat cleaned. And, as luck would have it, I have plenty pants and skirts for the season, but not enough tops. Good thing my bras are pretty.

I spent almost the entire weekend in yoga pants and a flannel shirt. The same flannel shirt I wore in college - you know, the blue plaid one in all the pictures? If those sleeves could talk ...

But on Sunday, I had to put on some Big Girl Clothes, because I was going over to Dad's to celebrate my sister's birthday and do some laundry for free. I have found that when I don't look tidy like a Stepford ex-wife, visiting my family is more of a discussion of How Margaret Doesn't Fit In and Youngest Child/Greatest Disappointment. So I primped. It's just easier that way.

So I arrived at Dad's with little fanfare, threw in a load of wash (I haven't done towels in about three weeks) and hunkered down for a visit. Then, my nephew arrived. Carrying two faux guitars.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I was saved by a 14-year-old and his game console.

Alex brought Guitar Hero. Now, I bring this up not because I'm any good at any video game. I bring this up because I'm the only one who'll play with him. Such activities are "beneath" my tight and right sisters, and Dad gets a little intimidated by technology. So Alex and I spent most of the day holed up in the front room, battling it out via music and watching movies - Caddyshack and Fletch. I had more fun than I've had in a really long time with my family. Don't get me wrong, I love them like crazy. It's just that sometimes I don't think they like me very much. Having Alex want to hang out with his old aunt, knowing that he had no doubt I would play with him, is the best feeling ever.

I love being an aunt. I love that I have nieces and nephews that go well beyond blood relationships. And I love that they love me back.

For the record, he handed me my ass on a platter in Guitar Hero, but he still can't beat me in Horse.

Now if only I could adjust to the time change ...

Why I love Brenda Lee

It's November 2. There's an undeniable chill in the Midwestern air, and while channel surfing on the radio en route to the office this morning, I heard the lilting tones of Burl Ives emanating from my crappy speakers. Ya gotta love Burl. (Back in the day, he was an EIU student. All the cool kids were.) "Have a holly jolly Christmas," he said.

Could it be? Is it Christmastime?

Yes, I guess it is.

93.9 FM plays Christmas music all season long. And yes, the "season" starts now. For me, the holiday season starts with Halloween. It's a holiday, people! So why not tune into Christmas tunage immediately after? Why restrict Andy Williams to one month out of the year? Why, indeed!!!

After my buddy Burl, the next song was Brenda Lee's "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree." This is the only song I ever bought on a 45. (For those of you who don't know what a 45 is, you're too young, and you can kiss my aging ass.) I love that song. I get a sentimental feeling when I hear it. And yet, for about eight years, it never played in my home.

To say Christopher didn't like the song is like saying I don't like being on fire. He hated it. That, and "Jingle Bell Rock." He never said I couldn't play it, but it wasn't worth it. So I didn't listen to it.

For eight years.

So today, I cranked up the volume, rolled down the windows and revelled in the complete and utter joy that comes with being the DJ of my own life, and the knowledge that I will never again allow another person's taste dictate my own.

And by the way, I eat red meat, I love dairy products, I feed the cats from the table and I still believe a wedding ring is essentially just a piece of jewelry and it doesn't matter if you wear it as long as you remember you're married.

The itch

No, I don't have a yeast infection; it's not that kind of itch.

I'm having the itch to travel. Earlier this week, I wrote an article about lia sophia's 2007 Incentive Trip; they're going to Hawaii in March. Now, I'm writing about our top-secret 2008 Incentive Trip; I can't tell you where it's going.

But I wanna go!

Not that I'm complaining, mind you. This is the type of writing I love to do. It just makes me hungry. And itchy.

Haiku for today

i'm better today
feel oodles more like myself
yay! back to "normal"

The wonder of Kaylee

I am so excited. In a few weeks, my baby niece Kaylee is bringing her mom and dad to visit. They are coming from Tucson for Thanksgiving, and will be here for a couple of weeks. They won't be with me exclusively during that time (after all, they have a lot of family to visit!) but I get to have them all at Chez Mags off and on for two weeks!

My to-do list in preparation:

• Baby-proof the house
• Prepare the cats
• Borrow toys
• Hide the porn
• Decide what I want Racheal to cook for me while she's here

Looks like I've got my work cut out for me!

This picture is of four of my favorite beings in the universe, my second brother Mike (the tall one) and Kaylee the Wonderkid, plus two of the greatest canines in the world. They all live in Tucson with Rae (the mom/sister-in-law), Gabby and Max (cats). I miss them all the time. I can't wait until they are here.