Friday, August 29, 2008

If you try, sometimes, you just might find ... you get what you need

The last few weeks have been ... shall we say ... challenging?

I've always been a highly emotional person (as if you didn't already know) and lately, I've felt more raw than ever. Anger and sadness have permeated many hours. I've tortured myself by combing over files that should have been forgotten long ago - the 332 pages of messages between Christopher and Judi the Ho, in which he explains my every wrongdoing and comes off sounding like a wounded victim; the e-mail that made it perfectly clear we were done, in which I am told he has to choose between me and his sanity (which, I must say, looks downright artful as a Wordle - see below); and, in a fit of true foolishness, the journal entries from our early days together, hoping to catch a glimpse of truth in what I thought was my One Great Love.

But we all know by now, it wasn't. Instead, I think of it as my Greatest Failure. It's been pretty dark here in Maggie's World.

This isn't like me, really. I've tended to find the positives in almost every situation, but lately I have had a rough time doing that. I've been doing my thing, and crying all the while. Going to the gym and crying. Going to work and crying. Going to bed and crying. (Seriously, my ears are salty.)

And then, the phone rings, and it's Rae calling, just to catch up. Or I get a text from Cute Brian, wanting to know if we're on for breakfast this weekend. Patrick returns my call and offers his guest room. Bex and I attempt to plan a family outing, Dad makes reservations at my favorite restaurant, and an old friend surfaces on Facebook.

Mick Jaggar was right: you can't always get what you want. But if you try, sometimes, you really do get what you need.

I'm not pretending that I'm completely out of the woods. I'm prepared for the dark days to come and go. But sitting here today, after about five straight nights of tears, irrational thoughts and the deep desire to either eat my weight in pizza or cuddle up to the human equivalent of a natural disaster, it's comforting to realize that sometimes, they go, and I have full days of sunshine.

To anyone who's called, or answered, or e-mailed, or thought of me, or blogmented, or IMed ... thanks. It matters more than you know.

5 comments:

Col said...

Margot, NOT A FAILURE!!!!

A lesson...with a lot to be learned from.

When I was in College and very homesick my Mom would say this, "put your right hand on your left shoulder, and your left hand on your right shoulder...now squeeze." That was a hug from Mom.

Give it a try, it feels pretty good. And know that you are thought of often and loved.

maggie said...

Thanks, Col.

You need to check in more often; you were mentioned in the blog not too long ago!!!

Love you ... and thanks for the hug. I'm learning.

monkeyhouse said...

Thou shalt not Wordle hurtful emails from the idiot. Wordle's powers are only meant to be used for good – not evil.

mags said...

I did use it for good! The nastiness looks cool when Wordled!

Besides, it's therapeutic. At least that's what I tell myself.

jke said...

Love sent your way from Oregon!